DH has moved out, like to chat, alcohol related.

[aleene]

I have posted before about DH's drinking. He has now moved out. This is what I wanted but I don't feel good about it at the same time.
He is a caring person but I couldn't bear the signs that he had been drinking in the day and then coming home and lying about it. It is almost as if not only the alcohol but my lack of trust in him has ruined the marriage.

He is now not speaking to me. So I don't know what will happen in the immediate future. I haven't told people yet in RL, and the DC's haven't noticed he has gone (they are used to him not being here most of the time).

I think going to Al Anon would be a good step for me. Anyone got experience of this?
Anyone else been in this situation?
I feel guilt about him going but also relief.

I've got to go out in a mo but I didn't want to leave this unanswered. I'll post more later as your situation is very similar to mine.

The lies and general deceit you have experienced is, sadly, extremely common with someone who has an alcohol problem. The lies are used because they cannot face the truth. It's part of the addictive nature of alcohol. For every lie he told you, he told himself a hundred.

And it is inevitable that you lose trust in someone who shows himself to be untrustworthy. You'd be mad to do otherwise. Trust is IMO an essential part of a relationship and once it's gone then the very foundations of the relationship are destroyed.

I've been to Al-Anon and it is very helpful to realise there are other people out there experiencing exactly the same as you and having the same doubts and fears. And also the same feeling of relief that they have gone. One-on-one counselling can also help a lot - I got some organised via my GP and it was fantastic.

It does get better. You are doing the right thing for you and your DCs. Look after yourself and let him worry about him.

Thank you for replying. Got to go out now too but back later.

All alcoholics lie in one way or another. I know, I am one, albeit in recovery.

The problem is, we're alcoholic all the time, but only drunk some of the time. It's easy to fall for us when we're sober and then wonder how the hell you got into this when we're pissed up.

We're also very good at blaming others and manipulating them, because the alternative would be to face up to the truth and we REALLY don't fancy that.

AA has worked for me and I know people for whose partners Al-anon has worked too. Give it a go - what have you got to lose?

But don't expect too much from him till HE notices, admits and then sorts out HIS problem. He doesn't mean to be a prick but, at the moment, he honestly can't help it.

Good luck to you. It will get better soon.

Thank you Miflaw, for posting. I think I will give AlAnon a call and try to go next week. I may speak to GP also as she suggested counselling (for us, or just me).
I have moments of doubt - like maybe all those times he said he hadn't been drinking, maybe it was the truth. But deep down I think I was right - instinct is powerful. Also it became that my trust with him was just shot to pieces - Snorbs, you said about trust being essential and mine is no longer there.

I have just been on the AlAnon website and found it very upsetting but I'm not sure why. I doubt I have the courage to go to a meeting tbh.
I feel so tired, I just want to go to bed. is that normal?

bump, anyone?

Hi Aleene, I have been to Al Anon as I have a chronic alcoholic sister. I found it very helpful although I only went a few times. The first time I just sat there and cried and cried for the whole time i was there, I could barely get my words out. Its like when you looked at their website, its a horrible recognition in what you are reading/hearing. They give you some good leaflets, one called "Alcoholism is a MerrygoRound called Deciect" is particularly good. I urge you to go once at least, there is no commitment, or signing up to it. If it's not for you then you don't have to go again. xx

Thank you, I think it was the horrible recognition...but also at the same time the parts that don't fit my DH make me doubt myself and think it wasn't that bad and I should just be getting on with it. But it was bad, a huge obstacle coming between us time and time again, and I was left wondering what was a lie and what was truth. I am exhausted by it.

Aleene, all sounds very familiar.

I spent more than twenty years thinking I was imagining things (and often still do). Alcoholics are consummate liars. I would recommend AlAnon, plus the support threads on here.

Best of luck

Hi. I have an alcoholic ex. We might still be together today, but drinking took over his life. He collapsed when caring for our 3 children a couple of months ago. Now he's not having any unsupervised contact. He was SO convincing and manipulative that I had no idea he was drinking to excess when the children were with him. I am deeply sad about him / his life / his position as my children's father. Its very difficult to remember the good times we did have at the start and I am having to coach myself to not feel guilty for his actions. Maybe AA would help me too?

Thanks for posting ADifferentMe.

Notsohotchic, can I ask you a few questions - what was he drinking and how much? How was he hiding it from you? How much did you suspect before his collaspe? That must have been very scary. I hope it was a wake-up call for him. I'm sure Al-Anon would help you.

Just a few words about my own experience....At Alanon you will find people from all sections of society who can talk the talk because thaey have walked the walk.Everyone is there because at some point in their lives things became unmanageable because of someone elses drinking.You will not be judged and I found relief in sharing my story and hearing from others.Couldnt believe that other people could possibly have felt where I was.I have only been to a few meetings but i have recently split with ex in Nov and def helps me feel grounded/realistic when I see him ie dont look for responsible behavior from somebody incapable of it.Also good to learn as much as you can about the disease.Counselling good idea will help sort out the confusion.Take Care,

ps dont be scared to go ,people will want you to feel welcome but if its not for you no worries x