Have I done anything to upset you?? Should I have told the truth or not?

[mosschops30]

My fucking loopy mother just rang and was whinging about something or other as usual (ive mostly stopped listening).
The towards the end of the conversation I could tell something was coming when she gets that whiney 'im gonna cry' voice on and she said 'I havent done anything have I, to upset you since your step father died' ..... and I said 'no, dont think so'
Should I have told the truth and said yes you have and heres the list:

• you have been unbelievably selfish in every way imaginable
• you keep asking me to take dd out of school so you have someone to go on holiday with depsite it being her options year and my constant refusal
• 3 days after i gave birth you rang me to ask my opinion on winter coats
• you were the only person who didnt txt me after I announced ds2's name. And when you did you made it clear you didnt like it.
• in fact at Xmas when we drove 3 hours (with my sore leaking c-section wound) to see you you told me again that it was a funny name and that we should have called him oliver
• you upset ds1 by not watching his 10 minute xmas concert he wanted to show you on the lap top
• you told me I should get dh to move out for a week so that you can come and stay 'because youre my mother )

And probably a million other things I cant remember off the top of my head.

So should I have let it all out or just keep the peace by keeping schtum?

I wonder what prompted it?

Do you think that somebody else has said she has been difficult since your sd died?

Sounds like telling her (given that she did them all in the first place) wouldn't have made her change, would it have made you feel better tho?

Has the death of your stepfather sent her loopy or has she always been that way? If it's his death then you should probably cut her some slack.

I want to know what you called DS2 in order to prompt such an odd response!

I called him Noah

Im not sure if someone has said something, but the fact that no one wants to go on holiday with her speaks volumes seeing as she couldnt wait for my step father to die (yes she said that for years) so she could go off and enjoy herself with her friends.
Only now she is very lonely without him, and is feeling quite guilty of how she treated him.
I think she has NPD, she used to be like this, very demanding and selfish, self important and rude, she was normal for a few years then but has got worse over the last 2 years (father died last year).

DH cannot bear to have her in the house, the last time she stayed she constantly undermined us with the dc's and they ended up in tears not knowing whether they were coming or going.
In fact I think I have driven her to the station in silence the last 2 times shes stayed

bump, anyone else think Im a wimp?????

No, I don't think you're a wimp. If nothing's going to change by you telling her the truth, then why put yourself through the distress of having to deal with her making a personal drama out of your pain?

PC youre probably right and in true NPD form she would just feel hurt and betrayed and turn it all round so its all about her and how she feels.
Although it would be lovely just to rant it all out at her, she would want to discuss it over and over again and I just havent the time, interest or energy.

But I do think Ive missed my chance lol

You have my every sympathy, is so hard to deal with.

And Noah is a lovely name.

My mothers a self obsessed nasty piece of work too and i have over the years come to the realisation that speaking out only causes a massive blowout and makes her behave even worse and achieves nothing so have learnt to bite my tongue (most of the time... i did have words recently about her blatant favouritism of dd over ds1 and i think my dad must have had similar at home as he knew how much it was upsetting us... ds1 is old enough to notice. she improved but in her own typical way which is so obviously faked that it's lucky he's only 3 or even he'd be able to tell)

PrettyCandles has it in a nutshell.

Don't waste your energy, you have had a hell of a year and you need to conserve it. Pick your battles, I say!

Did you ever get her that badge for her winter coat saying "Noah's Grandma?!"

lol snotbaby i did say that too her at xmas and she pulled a cats bum face . Was it you that suggested the 'Noahs Grandma' badge, we still laugh about it on a regular basis

dd suggested yesterday that we could make her a cd of annoying childrens songs with Noah in them, and she could listen to that

I'd tell her exactly what you've said here and list all the items and then say if you want me to go over any of this with you I'm quite happy to when you've had a chance to think about it.

Then wait for her to call back.

If she wants a relationship with you she'll address everything. Otherwise let her stew and ignore her. You'll either have a new improved ish mum/grandma or not have to listen to her selfish twunterings.

Yes mosschops it was me! Glad you enjoyed it!

Honestly, the more you stress about these things, the more you are playing into her hands. I know it's easier said than done, but if you can get to a point where you just roll your eyes, think "She's at it again," and go about your day, it will be one of the best presents you can ever give yourself.

Hope you're nearly recovered now from your horrible post-op time. Good luck!