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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cards From Ex's

20 replies

londoneye · 23/02/2010 12:29

I was married for several years and recently have seperated from my husband. I have met someone else and it has been wonderful...that is until i stumbled across a loving card from another woman. The story goes she had an affair with my man some years ago while she was married (he was single) but she decided to stay with her husband. For the last however many years she sends him cards at Christmas, Birthday and Valentines to his registered business address (not home address). I questioned this and he says she decided to stay with her husband and that the cards do not mean anything. The recent card was thrown into the bin unopened. Im obviously unhappy about this but how far do i push this. I'm happy in the relationship but now find myself becoming jumpy at texts coming through. Now I am accused of a trust issue....

OP posts:

Hassled · 23/02/2010 12:33

Well she sounds like she has some ishoos but I can't see that your new man has done anything wrong. Especially if the card went straight in the bin.

Original poster

londoneye · 23/02/2010 12:41

Yes thats what I'm trying to tell myself. I need to take stock before I end up convincing myself its more than it is !!!

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 23/02/2010 12:55

Don't let her issues become yours. If the cards meant something, and there was more to it, they'd get opened and would never see the inside of a bin.

Pity her, trust him, and be happy

AnyFucker · 23/02/2010 12:57

ditto SWBL

cathcat · 23/02/2010 12:58

Don't spoil your new relationship with his issue. He did not even open the card, it seems very straightforward. Do you have trust issue from your marriage?

Original poster

londoneye · 23/02/2010 13:07

Not so much trust rather insecurities - Yes partly although it was not through an affair the seperation came about. Its a number of insecurities about the future financially and my childrens future. Seeing the card and then seeing him recieve another on Valentines just ignited a further reason to worry about stuff. I tried to explain that to him but perhaps as he himself has not been through that he doesnt see how i feel. I need to drop it now but hope that in time perhaps they will just stop coming...Do I request him to ask her to stop?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/02/2010 13:10

yes, LE, if it bothers you that much, I would tell him to contact her and make her stop

or send the cards back, unopened

acceptance of them does say something, if she feels she wants to maintain some sort of contact with him, then he is allowing her on some level

I wonder if her husband knows about the cards?

Original poster

londoneye · 23/02/2010 13:18

I should imagine not...I find it quite sad in a way that she should hanker after him after all this time. He says that they are not reciprocated in any way which I have to hope they are not !

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 23/02/2010 13:42

Does he have her address? Send them back with a picture of a bunny in a pan stuck to the envelope I'm sure her H would be intrigued!

Personally though, I wouldn't ask him to contact her. It's exactly what she wants, and him having any form of contact with her is exactly what you don't want. Unless you're sure that after he has told her to stop, you won't then spend your days wondering whether or not he is now back in contact with her.

drloves8 · 23/02/2010 13:49

id write " not known at this address" and pop them back in the post .
Your DP is like this -> at it all.
What an odd ex he has !

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/02/2010 13:58

He won't send the cards back, because he runs the risk of an angry husband coming after him.

Actually, I would be worried about your man. He has been willing to engage in an adulterous relationship in the past and therefore, I suspect he doesn't much value fidelity in relationships. That would be the issue for me, not the cards.

Hoak · 23/02/2010 14:02

I think throwing them away unopened is fine as long as he really does. How do you feel - do you trust him? How do you know about the cards? Presumably he told you which indicates he wants to be open and honest.

skidoodle · 23/02/2010 14:03

I can't really see that there is an issue here at all - a man gets cards from an old girlfriend. Why does it bother you? I don't get it.

Original poster

londoneye · 23/02/2010 14:28

We were clearing out and found an xmas card dated 2008 so he briefed me on the situation. Xmas 2009 was in his pile of post which he opened in front of me as I had commented on by saying "no guesses as to who thats from" and then left on the floor for a couple of weeks and the current Valentine card again in his post which was unopened and popped in the bin.

Yes I realise that it was an adulterous affair and perhaps should be concerned but it was 10 years ago and I hope that he has learned from that as she decided to call it off.

I think he doesnt think its an issue and that I shouldnt be bothered but it does and dont see the need for it. Cant be helped !

OP posts:

Pagen · 23/02/2010 14:40

10years ago and she is still sending cards?! Wow, thats an obsession and a half.
I take it he has had no other contact with her, except the cards, since they ended the affair? Well, if he could manage 10yrs without her then its unlikely he is going to try and re-ignite things now he has you.
Still, if it really is bothering you I agree with the "Return to sender, no longer at this address" idea if you feel comfertable asking him to do that.
My fiancee still gets statements from his bank with his ex-wife's name on as she still hasn't got round to contacting the bank to confirm it is no longer a joint account..its been 2 years now. But I've drawn a line at 2 years and told him to get her to sort it out, I don't appreciate another woman having/using his name when I'm about to take it.

Original poster

londoneye · 25/02/2010 10:43

I found the card opened but still in the bin does anyone still think that i should have doubts???

OP posts:

expo · 25/02/2010 11:04

You know - it may be best to simply ignore it. She is initiating this contact. She has the problem, not him. He is probably still a little bit flattered to be getting them after she turned him down to stay with her husband 10 yrs ago - wouldn't you be? But being flattered at getting them is totally different to wanting her.

He may get a bit peeved that you are meddling in his past if you send them back. I think if I were in his situation I would find it REALLY hard not to open them - you know, just to see....! Curiosity!

Original poster

londoneye · 25/02/2010 11:15

Thanks Expo...yes I suppose I would do the same lol...human nature and all. Ive got to ignore it otherwise its going to eat me alive. Just hope she'll give up...

OP posts:

sunshiney · 25/02/2010 11:21

Have you a set idea in your mind - if he did this I would feel ok about it?

If so, what would you want him to do?

Tread carefully...sounds to me he's done nothing wrong, even opening the card out of curiosity is normal.

Original poster

londoneye · 25/02/2010 11:50

I havent even mentioned that...I agree curiosity would have got the better of me . Have to let it go now otherwise I will just push him away

OP posts:

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