Stuck in a rut - how do I get out of it and make my husband accept how I feel?

[chocolatekimmy]

Hi

I've been with my husband since I was 14 (1984) and we have three lovely girls.

I feel we are in a rut, life is a chore and there isn't much fun anymore.

He seems to resent me going out now and then with a friend. He has a thing that he does everything round the house (not true but he does pull his weight).

He is often grumpy and shouty, often at the kids - usually unexpectedly or excessively. He doesn't go out and do anything (apart from watching the odd football match) and literally has one mate who he doesn't even bother to contact. Last year they went out once, only becuase i arranged it!

He is negative about all of my family and his and in fact, slags off most people. I said recently that he seems to hate everyone.

I brought him some cheap golf clubs 18 months ago and he hasn't used them. He doesnt' have the time for anything, too busy doing everything of course!

I'm getting fed up and told him he needs to stop making excuses and get out more!

Our sex life is unpredictable - conversations last year were around the lack of effort/passion. He promised to make more effort but often slips back into his old ways but weirdly it can be amazing at times too.

When we had a chat recently he said I don't give him attention, I never kiss him or cuddle him or show any affection and that he always makes the first move on me (though I initiate sex and try out new things at times). It made me think and he is right, I love him to bits but I don't feel like showing affection very much.

I make an effort to go out to a dance class once a week. I work full time and often feel tired but I need the time away.

How do I get change without hurting his feelings? I just think if he got a life he would be happier. All he does is work, come in, do dinner/kids some nights, veg out in front of TV, go to bed, get up and start again. No wonder he is grumpy!

I do think its to do with other things, his Dad wasn't interested in him much as a lad (too busy abusing his sisters) and we went through the trauma of all that coming out 3 years ago and his Dad being put away for 12 years and his mum getting nasty with his sister and him.

I can't go on like this for another 20 or 30 years but I don't want to break up.

Sorry for the long rant! I hope someone can give me some advice on this one.

Gosh, it sounds as if your DH had a terrible childhood - what a lot of skeletons in the closet.

He probably doesn't have any imagination as to what to do outside work - the role model of parental/familial behaviour that his own family provided him with hardly sounds inspiring.

You are quite right that he "needs to get a life" as he sounds very bored and frustrated (and so of course you feel resentful and unaffectionate).

Does anything interest him? What sort of leads could you give him?

thanks for replying.

He used to have a season ticket for footie but they dropped a few leagues and now have a lot of mid week matches so he doesn't go so often.

He knocked some golf balls around with a guy he used to work with a few lunchtimes so I thought golf would be good and relaxing - but oh no, he is too busy and weekends are too short. I would happily wave him off for a morning or day a couple of times a month. I cut an offer out the paper a year ago and he didn't follow it up.

I suggested he join a local gym (he could do with losing about 2-3 stone), again too busy and too tired. If I can do pilates or a dance class at 8pm one night after girls in bed surely he could. I think if he got fitter he wouldn't feel so tired anyway.

Another thing that has come out over recent years is that i feel like his mother at times. I'm an organiser but i refuse point blank to sign up for golf for him etc. We only go out as it is if I organise it and i just want him to do it now and then and tell me where we are going rather than saying 'its up to you'.

I think some mates would help, a beer out now and then or a game of pool. He has no one to talk to, though i feel down about it all, at least I can off load to a friend or come on here (its been a while). He has no one to express his feelings to which can't be good for him. I'm sure the stuff about his dad has affected him more than he lets on.

He's not taking care of himself physically, intellectually, emotionally, socially - of course you feel like his mother (or that he is treating you as if you were his mother). He is supposed to be a grown up and to be able to take care of his own physical, intellectual, emotional and social needs.

However, with a childhood as dreadful as the one you describe, he undoubtedly didn't go through a full growing up process. I am sure he needs some (more) therapy of some description to help him come to terms with the past and understand that the future only holds what he makes of it.

It's great that you say you love him to bits, so I really hope you can sort something. He sounds a lot like my H, in that he works hard, comes home, tidies up, helps with the kids (I have 3 little ones) then watches tv, goes to bed, gets up and does it all over again... My H is so bloody miserable about it all, I just want to shake him or stick a rocket up his a**e! I too am chief organiser, if it was down to him we would never do anything or go anywhere. For me though, I don't think I love him anymore.

If you still have love, you need to find a way. Like you say he has had a lot to deal with, and he is in a rut, which can happen to us all. I hope you find a way to shake him out of it. Has this happened before? If so how did you snap him it out of it before? Would he consider counselling? Sorry I can't be much more help but I guess I just wanted to say that I hope you work it out, because you still love him. Good luck x

crikey, it sounds more serious now I've written it down!

You have some valid and practical points - thanks.

On the postive side, I can't bear the thought of a marriage break up etc and want to make it work. But if I feel like this at 39 what will it be like in 5, 10, 15 years etc?

Can you help him take more interest in his physical self and appearance? Could you sort his wardrobe for him and go shopping for new clothes? Find him a new hairdresser and get a new cut?

A better self-image can bolster self-confidence to explore the world a bit more.

I think it's great that you go out now and again but from what you say, you don't much as a couple. Do you have dinner together; even at home but on your won without the kids? Do you go to the cinema etc? Sometimes, we make so much time for ourselcves that we forget to make time for each other - together.
When I read your post, I thought it was quite similar to how I'm feeling at the moment too. I tried talking to DH tonight and he came out with "that's right blame it all on me" so I'm certainly not great at relationship advice but my mum keeps telling me that there has to be more to a marriage than just making tea for the kids, work and housework. Remember what you love about each other and get someone (if you can) to have the DCs for a whole weekend and just relax together, go for walks, chat, get your old cds out etc.

lucimule, thanks for posting. I understand the 'blame it on me totally'.

We get out now and then together if I arrange it all and its usually a good night with a chance to talk properly.

Interesting about your mum, mine thinks you shouldn't stay together for the sake of the kids. Interestingly my dad is a bit of a grump with her and has his funny ways so she gets on with her life and meets friends and goes to bingo which he moans about.

I look at them and think theres no way i am prepared to be like that in 20/30 years time.

Theres lots of things i love about hubby but i feel as though I am gradually losing respect because of his passive nature and the fact he clearly isn't doing anything despite these conversations we've had.

He just doesn't seem willing to change - am I wrong to expect him to?

No you are not wrong to expect him to have some get up and go and to look after himself - his life isn't over yet and it isn't fair to you or to your children just to sit around doing nothing!

Coming it at it from the other side, the things you think would help your DH are what my XH magically thought would make my life better for me when what I actually needed was a DH who wanted to spend time with me, rather than one who wanted me to spend time with other people IYSWIM (cf. your comment about your DH getting a life). And the more he told me I needed a hobby, the less I wanted one, because as soon as I did start doing something, he'd say I was only doing it to please him, not for myself, and that he felt I was 'pretending' - aarrggh. At a distance of some years, I'm not sure whether that was true, or whether he was using my 'negativity' about life to justify his affairs.

The affection thing is a bit chicken and egg. Is he miserable because you've withdrawn affection, or have you withdrawn your affection because he's miserable? The less my XH wanted to be with me (actually accusing me of being the one who didn't show affection) the sadder I became. And the sadder I became, the less he wanted to be with me.

This might need professional intervention...

ClaraJo, thanks for sharing that, it sounds as though you have had a tough time in the past.

I understand what you are saying, I feel quite resentful at the moment and he probably does/will in time towards me.

I said last year during a heated discussion that perhaps we should contact relate and he was shocked and said its for people at breaking point!

I have so much inside that I want to say to him but I am scared to in a way. Mainly because facing up to it makes it more real and also because he is a great dad and generally a good bloke and I don't want to hurt his feelings and make him withdraw. At the moment its kind of ticking along but being completely open could change things so much.

Aaaarrrgghhhh

If you do have a good time together when you go out as a couple, why not set it up as a regular thing?
swap babysitting perhaps with a friend if you can or find a local teenager who could do it?
Tell your DH that you really want things to get better but that you realise its up to BOTH of you (so he doesnt get defensive that you are blaming him) and hopefully he will get into the swing of going out more with you.
Then maybe both of you meet friends out for a drink afetr a while to encourage him to socialise with others.

If you want things to work, you probably should find a way, somehow, to talk about what is on your mind.

However, I know from personal experience that you really can't underestimate the effect that growing up in that sort of environment can have on someone. He sounds like he might be depressed to me. Has he had any therapy since things came out three years ago?
He might need (more) help, but he might not be ready yet to get it. Hmm.

Maybe relate would be a a good idea?

NNchangezz

Not sure that he is depressed but i don't think he has dealt with his dad situation. It was only just before it came out that he said he didn't think much of his dad and that he wasn't interested in him as a kid, big sister was the favorite and that is why he didn't make a huge effort with him (he'd never said that in all those years so perhaps its been there a long, long time and he never faced up to it).

I had some counselling - it all took its toll on me as i was the main carer/supporter of his oldest sister (the mum rejected her and also got funny with my hubby at one point) and had a lot of emotional involvement. I don't even think he would acknowledge that he needs anything like that.

Maybe thats all part of him not forming relationships with others and being negative (not trusting?) towards people. the plot thickens!