Impossible MIL getting us both down - any advice?

[emeraldgirl1]

A little b/g, sorry for the length, please skim!!

My MIL is a very unhappy woman, I suspect NPD but obviously I can't diagnose her officially!! She's just finished going through an extremely acrimonious divorce from FIL after having made family events unpleasant to impossible (because of the divorce, and their joint inability to contain matters between the two of them) for the past 7 years.

She came as near as dammit to ruining our wedding 5 years ago - hysterics and nastiness for months beforehand (because we were daring to invite guests who had 'sided against her' in the ongoing divorce) and she said some extremely unpleasant things to DH about how she wished she'd never had him, he's a lying shit etc, and then tears on the day to the extent that many guests were left with the impression she hates me and didn't want the wedding to go ahead (not true, actually; she has never had a problem with me in the slightest but it was embarrassing for me and DH ot have to deal with questions about why she was crying/scowling/picking rows with FIL all day)

She has never acknowledged any mistakes or misjudgements over the way she handled the wedding and though I am the kind to try to let things go, I know DH has a real problem with forgiving and forgetting such unpleasant and destructive beahviour.

It has got no better ever since, is the real issue - she continues to scream and yell and cry when she doesn't like whatever situation she is in regarding us. We have done an awful lot of disengaging but we get no support in this from the other siblings - they aren't as badly treated with the yelling and manipulation etc so although they sympathise they won't present a joint front with DH.

We have tried to mend fences and let things go but whenever we make a gesture such as inviting her to a nice meal (even though DH baulks at brushing her beahviour under the carpet) she just turns up and picks a fight, or cries in front of packed restaurants when she perceives the smallest hint of what she thinks of as criticism. She never makes suggestions for nice things to do, and yet will cry and whine if we go too long without suggesting something.

DH has had enough. THe last straw this weekend when she threw a tantrum when he did not attend a tea party organised by a friend of hers - he had said he was not able to make it, MIL ignored or forgot this, and then threw a tantrum when he did not turn up. Shouting and leaving nasty texts etc. It has now been 2 days and she has, as ever, not apologised for her over reaction.

DH is veering towards cutting off contact. I have my doubts because I know what he thinks/hopes is that this will make her change her behaviour. I am not sure anything will make her change and i can't bear seeing him disappointed. Also I fear she will become even more aggressive and it will take a lot of his time and energy to deal with.

But i dont know what the alternative is. Reasoning with her has not worked. Standing up to her has not worked. Semi-withdrawal has not worked.

Any advice at all???

Borderline personality disorder????

i have my suspicions...

the double whammy is that my own mother is not dissimilar - that makes our lives fun!! But i at least have had years of learning how to deal with my own mother - DH"s mother has 'only' been this way for about the last 8 years. She was good before that!!

emerald It sounds to me like you have the role of peace keeper in this relationship between MIL and DH. You sound amazingly patient where most DILs would have been at the end of their tether a long time ago.

Perhaps it is time to take a step back and let DH do what it seems he has wanted to do for a while....cut contact with her???? Even if it is for a little while, just to take a break.

My IL's had a good go at near on ruining our wedding but that was because the do actually hate me. They were as miserable as sin and wanted everyone to know it. Our wedding photo's turned out crap because of MIL's scowling. TBH she had a face like a slapped arse in the photo's and FIL wasn't much better and he wouldn't stand near me to have photo's taken. They ignored me and my family all day and their behaviour is what most of our other guest remember about our day. Took the limelight out of the whole thing really.

My point is, they have never said sorry for this and we have had virtually nothing to do with them since. DH's choice not mine but I think he finds it hard to forgive them as they are not sorry. Maybe this is the same for your DH with regards to his mother? He has probably come to the end of his tether with her. Everyone has a limit before they snap.

I too have a mother who is a complete nightmare and at times we have fallen out and not spoken for 6 months at a time. I never see this as permanent, just having a break from what is a very tiresome relationship (for me that is). It gives me time to myself without the stresses and hassles and gives me time to recharge my batteries ready to deal with her again. Perhaps this is what is needed for your DH? That or possibly cutting contact for good?

I can´t help thinking if your husband doesn´t want to see his mother, then that is up to him tbh.

If I wanted to stop contact with my parents I would expect my husband to back me up.
Let your husband deal with his mum his way. If you stop contact for a while then if she gets angry it doesn't affect you as you don't listen to it.
It sounds as though she is unpleasant and you both see far too much of her. Ban her number from your mobiles so she can't leave texts and back off. What the other sibs do is irrelevent.
If a person causes you more misery than pleasure then you see less of that person.

go with your DH

cut contact

Why are you bothering with all this? She is a nightmare and you have tried your best - and been a lot more patient than most I suspect.

Accept that she is toxic, cut contact and live a happier life.

Would also say go with your DH's decision and cut all contact with his toxic mother. I do not say such things lightly but there is really no other alternative.

You cannot and should not be acting as a peacemaker in such situations; it does not work and often inflames the situation further. It is okay to walk away from this emotionally damaged woman; you did not make her this way (her problems I suspect go back far beyond 8 years ago).

Would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. Your DH may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by the same author.

have been there done it on both sides of our families,all we want is a simple easy life,what a laugh that is i think reading other threads like this one and there are hundreds i have come to the conclusion that our parents were the first generation of spoiled children so we now are on the recieving end of the effects,i know my dad only truly cares about himself and has my mum as his dogsbody/slave,i also know my husbands mum is exactly the same but with very frightening violent outbursts when she doesnt get her own way,we are the first in both cases to say to both sides enough is enough but i can tell you the fallout from other family members has been horrific and its only truly knowing we were right to stop the cycle of rot that has kept us strong.GOOD LUCK TO YOU XXX

I agree with you saggyjuju the fall out from other family members is horrific.

With DH's family it's been awful. They have made him feel like sh*t and have made him out to be a liar and have acted as if his point of view and feelings do not count for anything. They have hounded him, tried to make him feel guilty and have basically tried every trick in the book to make him 'back down' to his parents without so much as an apology from them (because they have done nothing wrong after all ). Dh has been to hell and back and as a result had a breakdown just before Christmas.

OK - mil is generally unreasonable with anyone when she doesn't get her way - she thinks she doesn't get her way with your dh - he suffers and has had enough.

I SAY GOOD ON HIM - GO WITH HIS WISHES AND CUT HER OFF - what she does cannot be anyworse than now surely?

I say this as my mil is the same - she never gets to act like your mil as dh heads her off and does EVERYTHING she wants - hence our marriage has broken down. Your husband sounds decent - he's trying to help himself - so go with cutting her off.

I'd minimise contact with the rest of the family if they're that awful. If my sibs made me feel like shit I just wouldn't talk to them. Being related to someone isn't a reason to accept behaviour you wouldn't accept from a friend.
Surround yourselves with people who like you and whose company you enjoy. Shared genes really aren't that important if the love and respect isn't there. If a "family" doesn't support each other then the word is just a word and doesn't mean anything.

2rebecca thats spot on and exactly what we have done,it doesnt however stop the hurt as we consider ourselves the NORMAL WELL BALANCED ones {thats a laugh none of us are !!!} and we would love to have a close family,but not to the point where emotional blackmail and coverups for disgraceful behaviors are used,we are looking to the future and surrounding ourselves with positives as best we can and i have seen in our children already a more settled and less anxious happy bunch

Thanks so much for advice and input everyone - I didn't have the chance to reply for a few days but it's so great to come back on and see so many wise words!!

The only thing I think I gave the mistaken impression of was that I am acting as some kind of peacemaker - I'm actually doing nothing of the sort! I'm just not getting into rows with MIL myself, as it wouldn't be helpful in this situation I feel. I'm actually really not trying to get DH to patch up things with his mother, all I want is for him to do whatever he feels most comfortable with. My issue, really, is that I find it hard to watch him when he goes about trying to deal with her, because I know he is always hoping for something he will not get from her. A friend of mine likened it to trying to get someone in a wheelchair to walk - she CANNOT respond the way he wants her to because she is no longer wired the right way. All I'm really trying to do is alert DH to the fact that, no matter how much he tries, he won't get her to behave the way he wants her to. Basically, that he can only change his own behaviour, not hers.

I'm not sure that's peacemaking, particularly? And I'm more than happy to let him make his own decision about cutting her off or not - it's entirely up to him, I'm just trying to help him navigating through his own problems with it.

I'd be thrilled if we had a lot less or no contact at all!!

The sad thing is that I don't think he really accepts she will never change.

Thanks again everyone, thanks saggyjuju, and I think your take on this generation is an interesting one - not thought of things that way before. I certainly know that my MIL is deeply bitter about all the chances she feels have passed her by, and that doesn't help her much! That is something I've noticed in other women of her generation.

Oh, and mampam, am really sorry to hear about your H's breakdown, I can completely understand how people can be driven to that in this kind of situation. Hope he's feeling better now?