affair with sil

[rosyred]

This is a long story but I will keep it as short as possible.
iN 2000-2001 my H had an affair with my SIL (my brothers wife). we were really close almost like sisters and talked all the time.
I didn't know at the time didn't even suspect it, H told me in 2007 after we had split over something else. of course this has now damaged the family and I was in contact with my brother for a while after it happened, but that has now fizzled out. they are still together and have renewed weddong vows, done counselling and so on. Just recently I thought i'd try to forgive her and went there to chat and was okay for a few weeks, now I feel different and don't want her in my life and certainly can't be her friend. I wanted to do this to have my brother and niece and nephew in my life still, but am fed up of being the one to forgive and forget. as for my H I took him back after amny months of deliberating and we were okay for a year, we were then forced to live apart through circumstances, in whcih time he had an EA for two months.
I am now starting to suffer from depression and just don't know which way to turn. I am preganant due in May and don't want to make radical decisions while so hormonal.
I am a forgiving person but I now see that life without trust is horrible and I feel so betrayed by everyone. my dad was a womaniser and my mum died at 48 after battling cancer.
sorry so long but so much has happened I feel like I am heading for a breakdown.

yuou poor thing you have so much going on.
Don't feel the need to forgive your SIL. You tried which is a lot more than most people would have done but you can't do it.
I assume your brother is still with her? Can he and your nephew come round alone to see you?
Tell your MW you're feeling depressed - she'll be able to get you some help.
What do you want to do about your H? Do you want to try to save your marriage, or do you just want it over? Either way, counselling could help.

Really feel for you rosyred - sounds like they just put dynamite under your life and lit the fuse - no wonder you are struggling to trust.

I would recommend a book called Women who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes - she is a storyteller/shaman and there are specific sections in the book about anger and forgiveness.

You have to look after yourself with the baby coming as well, so there is nothing wrong for now in just putting the issue aside until you feel stronger and focus on your own wellbeing.

I did initially want it to work and he is doing all the right things at the moment.
I was seeing my brother alone but it's quite difficult to always do things seperate, we have a large extended family so gets a bit difficult for them to know who to invite. my brother is still angry and blames my H for all of it as his wife was suffering from bulimia at the time so not herself. lol. I have said that does not excuse what she did. our kids were all close so they have been terrribly affected by it.
I just cannot get my head around the fact that people claim to love you but can treat you so very badly. We have four DC's together so I wanted to keep things together but realise now that I have to put myself first sometimes

Also it is normal to feel a lot of grief about what has happened. Is your H still on the scene?

rosyred - my goodness, what an awful set of circumstances. I think there is so much going on for you, that a priority order of help and care is needed. This is what I'd suggest:

• Get some urgent help now for your depression. Take a midwife into your confidence and tell that professional that you fear you will be a prime candidate for PND, given what has happened.

• Did your H ever get any therapy to get to the bottom of why he has been unfaithful, not once but twice? Building a relationship with someone whose character flaws remain unaddressed is my definiton of an impossible task.

• Put the relationship with your brother to one side for now. He is smoothing over the cracks in his relationship if he blames your DH exclusively for his W's affair. The blame should be shared. What he chooses to deny is his problem however. If she similarly didn't get help to analyse her behaviour, in all probability she will be unfaithful again. If neither of them know why you cannot be in contact, it might be appropriate to write them a letter.

You have been dealt the most awful hand and it is not surprising you are feeling so victimised. Two people you loved betrayed you horribly, your H then went on to betray you again and you had an awful bereavement and bad memories of an unfaithful DF.

H is still on the scene, he has started the proceedings to see a psychotherapist, but whether he will see it through who knows. he seems different and determined but as with most people who have caused hurt they don't like to be reminded of it. i am also annoyed because I used to be so confident and self assured and ever since I found out i go in and out of depression and I hate it.
I did tell doctor she suggested relate and said AD's were not a good idea.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself but you do start to wonder if it is you that people find it so easy to lie to.
I have texted SIL today to say sorry I can't be friends like that anymore, Ican be civil around her but thats it for now.
I am also very angry with myself for not being more aggressive and erasing those people from my life. I feel for my kids and wish they had the family life they had before. The reason I can't get over my mums death is because she found out my dad had cheated for 4 years with a then 16 year old. he was 42 and had fathered a child. she then went on to get secondary cancer and died within 6 months, so ive always wondered if she hadn't had such trauma if she would have been okay

Whenwillifeelnormal "Building a relationship with someone whose character flaws remain unaddressed is my definiton of an impossible task."
OMG I think you have just made my jaw drop with that statement. Flipping heck you have totally summed up the last 18 months of my life.

thank you

Glad that's helped Cheated On - what I'm saying applies to both you and the OP. You cannot control another's behaviour choices - whether it's infidelity or any other major flaw. Only the person concerned can control that, just as you're the only person who can control your choices. When someone makes monumentally bad behaviour choices, it is their responsibility to get to the root of it and make changes. You can however choose to insist that they do that before you resume or re-commit to a relationship with them.

If they fail to do this - or you choose to carry on without them having done this work, there is every chance the same behaviour will happen again.

Rosyred, you are not responsible for the behaviour choices of the people in your life. There is nothing about you that makes people lie to you - it is about them. There's nothing your brother did to deserve the blow that was dealt him - he was not responsible for his wife's affair.

Assuming your H is thinking of using a private psychotherapist, there should be no delay whatsoever - so I'm not sure what you mean by "starting the proceedings" to see one. Yes, it is common for cheaters not to want discussions about their behaviour, but my God it's necessary that they do discuss it - if you need to - otherwise they will be forever in denial about their actions and you will never start to heal.

I am frustrated at your doctor's panacea of Relate - this will not be helpful just yet. Your H needs to start work on himself first.

What I really do think would help you is your own counselling space - I think you need bereavement counselling and separate help to process the awful events you have faced. When too many bad things happen to us, it causes us to lose our faith with the world and our ability to cope. In the absence of ADs, you need help and care to get you through this.

Glad you texted the SIL - that is now dealt with and you should focus on you, your family and your own relationship.

Thanks whenwillifeelnormal. I know deep down it is not my fault and I continue to treat people with respect because that is who I am.
You are absolutely right about the person having to deal with their own issues first and I have always insisted he does this and I am quite prepared to be a single parent.
He is waiting on the NHS for referal, so unfortunately will take time, simply can't afford to go private. he knows the issue lies with him and he does have many issues about his own family, never really expressed exactly what.
I did have bereavement counselling years ago. mum died in 1998, she was an angel so didn't have issue with her and spent whole session talking about what my dad had done, thought I had dealt with that though but sometimes it gets me again. me a DF are fine now and have a good relationship, took a long time though.
I am most scared of putting my faith back inot H and to be let down again when I could have just moved on. on the other hand if he is genuine then I want him to change for us, not someones else benefit ifyswim.
I think I might feel stronger when baby is here, so I guess i should just wait it out.
I know deep down the man has a good heart but he has so many issues that he never dealt with

good luck rosyred, I know where you are coming from. I was feeling the same when I waited for H to sort himself out, sadly it never happened. We went to relate and he said he would go to counselling seperately because relate crought up alot of issues from his past. Interestingly I was the one with the typical difficult background (broken home etc) but it turns out I have dealt better with my issues as I faced up to them at the time (even though I was a child), however hidden childhood issues came out with H. H never sorted out counselling and I realise our relationship is never going to work unless he sorts himself out.

I told him he needs to do it for himself and the kids, not for me and not for our relationship.

I am also a forgiving person and I intend to leave our relationship with no bitterness (a few issues with trust maybe!!), but I also need to forgive myself for not being able to stay in a relationship that is not a positive one and is having a detrimental effect on me.

Thanks again Whenwillifeelnormal, I have kind of worked all through this in the last 18months, and what you say is SO true... you just sum things up so beautifully!!

Thanks, I guess like you I am pessimistic about him actually seing it through, but every time I have doubts he, that he is not aware of btw, he will take himself to GP or say I really need to see GP again. I told him early on I will not do all tat stuff for him.
I wonder though when it gets to talking about the tough stuff like his childhood he will run, I guess it harder for them before it gets better, which proves that men are sometimes not strong enough to see things through if it causes heartache for them.
Good luck for the future hope you find happiness.
wwifn how do you know so much about tis stuff, have you been through it yourself?