How do you deal with this....

[fluxy3]

Things have been very rocky for a while with H. I have asked for a separation, he won't, saying he does not want this.
I have been in counselling to try and get my head around everything... feel like I am going mad. Feel very depressed, finding it hard to function.
He is in total denial that things are really this bad again. we've already been to Relate. There is no violence or abuse of any sort.
I suspect he is PA and probably a little NPD, but my mind is so fried at the moment , it feels as though I'm the one with all the problems or causing the problems.
It's impossible to talk to him, I quite literally can't. He walks into a room, I walk out. He's acting like everything is going to be fine... he probably thinks I'll just snap myself out of it.
Very down, crying a lot, totally frustrated and he cannot or will not see that this is affecting the children. I can't spend the rest of my life like this... to everyone else he is Mr wonderful/laidback and I'm the miserable/unhappy/stressed/tearful one.
Thanks for reading.

I don't know what PA or NPD are.

If you want a separation, you separate...no question. He can't make you stay with him.
Do you have any real life support to help you do this?

it isn't his choices to not separate though - if you want it, and feel it really is for the best then YOU have to follow it through.

I would see a solicitor, get my basic facts in place and then TELL HIM (not ask) that you are separating.

passive aggressive and narcissistic personality disorder

Of course, thanks.

Well, if he is passive aggressive and definitely if he has NPD you are being subjected to a form of abuse. Not physical but certainly emotional/psychological abuse. The very act of denying that there is anything wrong is messing with your head so you have ended up being the one upset and he goes around like nothing is wrong and buries his head in the sand.

If you want to separate, sort out your legal position and tell him that it is over.

My family are miles away and his family, local, have cut me out, long story.
Have just spent half term with my sister, she was caught up in it all and despite my best efforts, I'm pretty sure she had a miserable time.
I have been unhappy for a while and have spoken to several friends, I feel very powerless to make any changes, plus I don't want to bore them again with my problems.
I have one friend who has just been in a similar situation and I chatted to her.

why do you feel powerless?

Thank you for your replies.
This is exactly what my counsellor has said, Niecie and Chasing squirrels.
I will contact a solicitor.

I guess that I am just so low at the moment. Confidence has taken a bashing really and low self esteem issues that have stemmed from, in part, this relationship.

that must be really hard.
do you feel that taking control might take away some of the feeling of powerlessness, or is it impossible to imagine this?

Can you imagine being separated, and coping? Or does that prospect seem too much?

I can imagine being separated... I think about it all the time. it's scary, but I know that I can do it. As for coping, I pretty much do everything as it is now anyway. H does help, but I am the one juggling job, kids, house etc.. In many ways it would be easier without him as I could just 'get on with it'.
I feel like I have this double life, at home I'm fine as long as he is not around, at work- I'm happy although can be stressed (teacher), but when he is around me, I clam up, I can't speak I don't want to get involved in any conversation as it will usually end in me being' hooked in', him smirking and me in tears again, followed by, "I love you so much" repeated several times as he follows me around the house.

Been there. Done that. Got out. Survived. And you will too.

How well I remember the winding me up to screaming point and then being over-affectionate. Makes you sick, doesn't it? Then the children think you're mad because you're crying and furious when all Daddy wants to do is love you. Dirty mind games.

The difficult bit, which you've now done, is realising that there really is a problem outside your own head; the rest is just detail. Find out your rights, book yourself a solicitor - it all takes time and energy, of course, which are in short supply, but take it a few steps at a time. Having your own income and a workplace that gives you a different perspective is a huge bonus.

Ok, you only have two choices, and they are yours to make regardless of what your H wants.

Either:

a) Stay in this relationship and be miserable and low for the rest of your life or until you snap

or

b) Leave the relationaship. Start a new life and conqour your low mood and feelings of powerlessness.

You are the only person who can make those decisions and the only person responsible for whatever decision you make.You are not powerless.

You cannot blame your H if you decide to stay, or try to say it is because he doesn't want to seperate.

It is your decision and your responsibility to make the most of your life.

You don't actually have to put up with his mind games or your misery.

I know it seems hard, but when you actually do it, leaving isn't so bad.

Thank you for all the replies.. have been reading some other posts too and got some advice, although not directed at me, and it helps.
I'm avoiding getting into a conversation with him about anything, and I'm seeing a solicitor on thursday to find out my rights.
I'm on the computer, he comes in the room and starts talking to me in this really sickly sweet way, about how he loves me desperately, how he does not want things to be like this and how he just wants us to still be a family.
I just keep repeating the same thing, that I have made my mind up ( at this point he will tell me he knows that but it's not what he wants...) and that I can't discuss anything with him as all he does is try to convince me to change my mind and that he keeps saying the same thing. My final words are usually, "so will you please leave me alone?". I am not nasty, just very detached, as has been suggested by my counsellor.
This is repeated at some level every day, no other conversation, no further attempts at discussion, nothing.
It's a bit creepy to be honest, keeps calling me by a shortened version of my name, which I have asked him not do to and also keeps calling me darling, which I hate, but if I respond, it will mean he has hooked me in, I might angry and he has won.... crazy.

Hope you find the strength to go through with the separation, it sounds like you are doing the right thing for what it's worth x

Thank you Too Busy... I've been following your thread too.. I could have written some of it myself.... It's just so hard when you feel guilty about splitting up the family, but I am so unhappy. I have to keep reminding myself of all the little incidents that have occurred so that I don't fall back into the same old pattern with him again, then still feel the same another 2-3 years down the line.
I should have left 10 years ago..... I cannot look at or watch certain programmes or even hear some music as it reminds me that I was as unhappy back then as I am now.... what a waste of time eh?
Keep posting. x

fluxy, are you me? It's like reading posts I wrote last Jan/Feb - search for them if you like, they may help. Even if you're not me, you are clearly married to the same man and doing the same job and feeling the same way!

I'm almost out of it, but it has taken a year. Our interactions were remarkably similar to yours (he only told me he loved me for the second and third time in 15 years when I had already told him it was over) and I too was followed around the house and harassed by him. My girls are now 10 and 12 and have been aware of far too much.

The only reason I'm still living in the same house is because he refused to move out and I have ended up buying another house, partly funded by some money from him and topped up with a scary mortgage, and the owners of that house are the most useless, annoying people ever with a degree in delaying tactics.

I really hope things work out for you, stay strong and do what is best for you, and your children. From my experience, they are better off with a happy, calm mum than the stressed-out, edgy and worn down mum they have now.

If it helps Fluxi, I think it was way more difficult to take the decission to separate, than coping with the consequences of such decision.

Hi Lilac, I remember your posts...I think I may even have posted....
It's hard when they are sooo 'kind and loving', but you have this horrid pit feeling that things are just not right, you've had it for years and despite Relate, personal counselling and pill popping things just don't seem to get better. My children are 10 and 12 too... I hate that they have seen me hysterical, crying,weeping,angry, moody, withdrawn etc.. etc.. and all the time daddy is being oh so nice to me....
As my counsellor has said to me "it's easier when you can see the bruises".... Things were not right when we got married 6 years ago, I know realise I did it because I thought if I got married things would be different.. they weren't. It got worse, much worse, because his family got involved and turned against me too, as all they could see was me being 'awful' to him..... my poor kids barely see his family and he seems quite happy about it, even though he knows how much it distresses me. Their loss, my children are lovely. His reason for not getting is sorted is 'whats the point'.... beggars belief really.
I will be strong, but it's bloody hard.
x

Yes, fluxy, it is bloody hard. You WILL get thru this, a very good friend texted me that message last year and he is still right. I will, even though the people I'm buying a house from are * **holes and if we don't exchange tomorrow I'm pulling out of the deal altogether and finding a place to rent.

My youngest is really struggling at the moment, she is extra clingy and moody and argumentative. When I think how much this is hurting her I just want to cry. I wish her dad had had the decency to move out, even if temporarily, while we got our living arrangements sorted out. It's hell.