We recently christened our first dd and asked dh's cousin (who has become one of my best friends over the last three years) and her husband to be godparents.
They accepted but on the day she said she was shocked to be asked as she knew someone else who really wanted to do it. I was surprised by this as there was ever only two couples we considered for the job and it was a clear "if it's a girl, it'll be the first couple, if it's a boy it'll be the second couple" and there is no way that this person she was talking about was the other couple as they don't know eachother that well.
Fast forward a couple of months and fil goes abroad (where he originally comes from) to see friends and family, comes back to the UK and says to dh "what did you do to X (dh's cousin, the brother of the godmother), he is very upset with you". We don't know what he is going on about and he won't say anymore appart from "don't tell him I told you." Also weird as dh has spoken to this cousin on the phone once since then and he didn't say he was upset.
We haven't seen this cousin in months, in fact the last time we saw him was when dd was born and he popped by with his gf for 15 minutes, before that we saw him twice when I was pregnant when we invited him over for bday party and ny eve's party.
It turns out that 3 years prior dh and the cousin X had a conversation 3 months before our wedding. Dh was saying how the best man he had chosen wasn't so close to him anymore and that cousin X was actually much closer then. In the conversation ther were hints (from cousin x) that he would be a better godfather than the bestman. (the godfather to your first child is usually the best man).
must add they were both drunk at the time as well, you know how you tell your best mate you love them when you're drunk?
We forgot all about this story from 3 years ago until now that it has been brought up, we didn't actually see much of this cousin after our wedding since he never turns up when invited to ours (literally we invite him over for dinner and he just does not turn up), then he moved abroad for over a year (to the country where fil comes from) so that he wouldn't have to pay taxes on the sale of his business, then came back and we still did not seem much of him. He has told us he does not want children and is quite happy with his dogs. So all of this means that when it came to choose godparents he did not even feature in the shortlist. (also it is important to us that we ask a married couple, and he is not married, his gf never made any efforts with us, giving us the impression she does not like us.) We have also been to this foreign country twice at the same time as them since then (to visit family), tried to make plans to go out together and were met with lot of excuses and stood up a few times.
Yet now he is offended that we did not ask him and asked his sister. I have grown very close to his sister, her and her husband have been ttc for 5 years now, been through 4 IVF that I know of and 1 ectopic pregnancy.
We see them every two weeks, have dinner at eachother homes etc.
I really don't know what he has said to his parents/family etc but godmother said her parents did not want her to accept the job because of this. We're quite hurt by that as we are close to their parents as well and they do not have the full story.
He was invited to the christening, told his sister he was coming but then did not turn up. the godmother is more hurt by this than us I think as she told me she was baptising her godchild and none of her family came. (cousin X and his brother because of this whole story, their sister and parents for other reasons.) she feels very let down. I didn't expect them to come because thye never turn up when we invite them and I was quite relieved they didn't a their behaviour was tiring at the new years eve party. (complaining cause they couldnt smoke inside, one of them getting very drunk and playing with light switches, turning the radio volume right up (I mean??? we're not teenagers anymore come on).
I think that it is very selfish of him that he cannot just be happy for his sister who wants children and cannot have them to be a godparent (for a second time). and I don't understand how he can be so angry about something when we grew appart so much, he never mentionned anything since we got pregnant, never called to see how I was or showed any interest whatsoever.
the godmother came to see us after the christening and said we needed to clear the air with cousin X, again a surprise to us as we didn't think it needed clearing, idf he doesn't care that's fair enough, we have grown appart.
Dh then went on to explain the reasons why he wouldn't have chosen him to be a godparent anyway (probably bad move, she is his sister after all).
Dh actually said that if his brother behaved like that he wouldn't be proud of him, (ie play on the xbox all day and not look for a job) and although he probably pushed it too far saying this that is how he feels.
Turns out she invited him over that night and repeated every single thing Dh said. Dh doesn't mind, there is nothing untrue about what he said, its how he feels. Next thing you know cousin X calls dh and says "how dare you tell my sister than she shouldn't be proud of me" dh had to cut the phone conversation short as we were just told an uncle had died so not prepared to have this conversation. The cousin X then hanged up the phone on him saying "what the fuck what the fuck".
Now though the situation is awkward. I don't even want to bring it up with my friend as she might just tell him everything I say again. by the way all the things that dh said are true and godparents have agreed with and said they thought the same over the past year, he does the same to them (not turn up etc) so I did feel a little bit stabbed in the back by my friend for saying "june's dh says this and that and the other about you" when she thought just the same before.
part of me want to "clear it" and part of me just can't be bothered, too busy with newborn and work and trying to make it all work to worry about his feelings when I feel he has been totally unreasonable.
I'm not worried about that friendship with cousin X, it's not like we've had any kind of friendship over the past two years; it's just that I feel that he has been painting some kind of story to his parents, his brother and fil and probably other people and made out like we officially asked him and were still very close and then completely let him down out of the blue or something.
anyway just had to write this down, hopefully will make me feel better and I'll stop thinking about it.