Friendship issues ?? - relating to children

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Could really do with some help on an issue I am facing with a relatively new friend I have made at my daughters school and the impact to that relating to her daughters behaviour towards my daughter.

My daughter started school last year and being a bit sensitive I worked hard to encourage her to make new friends and get settled in her new school. I made friends with another new mum and her daughter and things seemed to be going well. We shared lifts for the girls and all seemed to be well.

Since September my daughter has come home quite a few times with comments about her friend and the things that she has said to her, relating tales of meanness towards my daughter in the playground etc. I have encouraged my daughter to play with others and tell the teacher if she is upset about comments.

At the end of last term things got quite bad and my daughter seemed to be in tears constantly over some slight or perceived slight on her. I had a discussion with friend and made it clear that my daughter was very tired/very sensitve due to tiredness and in order to keep us all sane I was stopping all playdates etc and lifts as I needed to keep the girls apart for a bit. I was very clear that it was me/my daughter who needed a break and it was nothing to do with her/her daughter.

There has been a definite cooling in relations this term and friend is inviting other girls over for play and her daughter is making constant references to my daughter about how she is not allowed to go, hence my daughter getting upset. My DD finds it hard to make friends, whilst friends DD finds it relatively easy, and so I have worked with my daughter in trying to understand/adjust to the new dynamic of friends DD not being her 'best' friend and that she needs to learn to play with others and get on with others too. Things seemed to be improving of late as my daughter is quite busy with afterschool activities and we have started to invite her friends over on our free day.But now friends DD has managed to get space on one of our activities and I have witnessed myself some of the behaviour going on as I have been a helper at some of the sessions. There are attempts to undersmine my daughter in front of others and exclude her from games/activities.

All escalated last week as friends DD made a very hurtful comment to my daughter last week. compltely unneccessary and unprovoked. I have been advised that she was being difficult that day in school. Comment was my mum says....... Now my daughter seems to have let this go over her head and was just relaying it to me and not unduly upset my it. I however am livid.

After some careful consideration I decided that I would tell friend that a comment was made, but not what comment was said, as I felt that this would unduly upset her. Decided this as I would want to know if my DD was being mean to others so I could work on it with her. As a result I would need to encourage my daughter to play with others and would not be inviting friends DD over for a while as maybe they (her daughter) were/was tired of each and they needed a break for a while longer. Thought it was all ok and she understood my dilemma.

Fast forward to today and both girls were at a party yesterday and there seemed to be very few children from school there as it is half term I guess. mine and her DD only children from their year at the party. So my daughter tried to play with friends DD only to be rebuffed constantly. I saw this myself on one occasion. At pick up both my friend and her husband were definelty quite cool with me and I am not sure how to handle things now.

Do I ignore and keep going with my plan of encoraging new friendships or do I tackle this with friend? We are at quite a small school and I have 5 more years of this. Most of the mums get on well and I dont want to create tension/allegiances if I do tackle.I am quite upset though that they are off with me as it is their daughter causing all the tension and I dont feel I have done anything wrong (stand to be corrected here though)

I am prepared to be called overprotective and told to leave them to it, they are only 5 and learnig abour friends etc. But comment was nasty and part of me wants to wring her neck for even saying it. Hurtful thing is also she said my mum says... Is this what my friend really thinks of me and my daughter??

I would really appreciate any advice on this as its really filling my headspace at the moment and I dont know what to do.

sorry that was very long but wanted to get everything out

Have you spoken to school about this and what did they say?

It sounds a very difficult situation. It's too late of course, but I do think the stopping of all lifts and playdates might have been a bit extreme.

And i do have to say that in my experience, the difficulties in relationships are very rarely, if ever, completely one sided.

I think if I was the other mother I'd be pretty upset too - although I hope I wouldn't share my feelings with my daughter - which she obviously has. However, it must have been hard for her to explain to her dd why the lifts and playdates and everything had stopped.

What was the hurtful remark? Was it something parroted from a grown up or something the child could have thought up for herself?

I don't have school aged children so have no experience but, I'm not sure you have helped the situation.

All children say hurtful things at one time or another and you should obviously encourage your daughter to make new friendships but stopping playdates etc is, in your daughter's eyes, making the issue much larger. Of course she is going to be upset over every perceived slight if you tell her that they are so bad you are stopping her playing with her friend.

And constantly speaking to the mother about it sounds quite a passive aggressive response. What did you expect her to do?

"I am prepared to be called overprotective and told to leave them to it, they are only 5 and learnig abour friends etc"

Yes!

"But comment was nasty and part of me wants to wring her neck for even saying it. Hurtful thing is also she said my mum says... Is this what my friend really thinks of me and my daughter??"

You said you'd told your friend that a comment had been made but not what that comment was?

Without discussing it fully, you haven't given her a proper opportunity to respond. I think either saying nothing or telling her exactly what was said would have been more fair. What could she have done with partial info? I'd have found that blahdy annoying.

I should imagine she's probably quite confused and hurt at this stage and has possibly told her DD to steer clear of yours, hence her behaviour at the party.

...but isn't that what you wanted? You can't then expect her DD to entertain yours because no-one else is there to do so!

sorry about late reply had to pop out.

I have not contacted school as I did not want to escalalte thing further unnecessarily.

The language of the hurtful remark suggests that it definitely came from an adult. Not sure if from mother but definitely an adult. Comment was racist.

Re stopping the playdates what I did was say to my DD that she was very tired from activities and that she needed to focus on them and school for the time being and so all playdates stoppped, not just those with this child. Since new term started we have also been very busy with other stuff so opportunity has not arose to arrange them anyway.

I carefully considered what to say to the mother and have spoke to her twice. Once before Christmas to say that in the run up to Christmas we should do our own thing regarding lifts as we were both b usy and it would give the girls a break. I stressed that it was my DD who was tired and oversensetive due to tiredness. I did not want her to do anhything at this stage.

The second time was last week when I felt that if my daughter had something especially burtful that I would want to know about it. Wouldnt you??

I take on board your comment about what did I expect her to do? I should have considered this a little more and maybe told her exactly what was said so she would understand why I felt I had to say something.

All comments appreciataed.

I think you should encourage your daughter to find new friends.

I see where you are coming from about this particular child (my dd had a mini-toxic friendship at nursery, am so pleased she has now left behind this other child and gone to school, where it's much easier to leave 'em to it) but you can't have it both ways, you can't dictate that this "friendship" stops (allbeit temporarily) telling the Mum etc and then expect them to be your little girl's friend again when it suits you.

I'd honestly cut my losses and leave it at that. I wouldn't do any more talking to the Mum about it, just maybe organise playdates with other children.

I am still very good friends with my friend, but dd and her dd just bump into each other at the odd party now (phew)

Ecomouse - agree I should have told her what was said. I was trying to spare her feelings in the matter but can see that did not go about it right way.

I have nver told my DD not to play with her friend I have told her to learn to play with others. I do not expect her to entertain my DD cos no-one else is there. I thought that they would play with each other as the other children all seemed to know each other really well and majority were not from school.

Anyway friends DD did not play with my DD and was vocal about the way that my DD was not allowed to join in.

I agree the mother has said/child has overheard things and therefore for whatever reason is not playing with my DD. I will need to bear this in mind and encourage other friendships'

Do I do anything now? Or have I done it all wrong and need to walk away from it and say no more??

I'm sorry, are these infant school children, if so you really need to take a HUGE step back and relax, you have many many school years ahead of you!
And trust me as a mother to 2 girls, this kind of thing gets much worse as they get older!
I am afraid once they are in school, you just cannot protect them from everything, and "telling" the parents is a recipe for disaster!
It is very hard not denying, but step back now!

Yes, personally, I'd want to know about it, not just that 'something' was said. There is absolutely nothing I could or would do otherwise.

You removed from her the right to use her own judgement and disabled any further action on her part.

Conversely, if someone came to you and informed you that your DD had said something very hurtful but not what, would you not feel frustrated at the very least?

I think that I should have come on here to post before I ever said anything last week. {grin}

Agree that I should have said what was said.

Sorry, WRAN, cross posts.

If the comment made was racist, I think it's reasonable to make this clear to the other mum, even at this stage. However, I wouldn't hold out hope of your DD and her DD creating or maintaining a friendship.

It is hard, I have 4DC and watching them go through the tentative first steps of socialising and experiencing occasional confusion and hurt is hard but it is how they learn to gauge for themselves the type of people that are healthy and fun or not.

It is very hard. My middle child was friendly with an unkind child last year and I felt very protective. As things were happening at school I spoke to the teacher rather than the parent. The mother had previously expressed to me that she didn't think that parents should get involved in squabbles at school (but then two of her children were the ones being nasty, rather than being upset!). I'd leave it to the school and have a chat with the teacher.

Macdoodle is right Step back from your dds friendship making/losing.
It is a huge part of learning socialisation.
Of course you should protect her from racist and offensive, potentially toxic experiences and you should have told the other parents about the specifics of that.

But, step back and let your daughter make her own friends and you make yours.
Sometimes your friend and her friend might be in the same family but more often it isn't the case.

I have been thinking about this in light of views expressed and think

1. You are all right I need to not 'intervene' in my DD's friendship issues. She needs to learn how to handle these situations herself. I need to not talk to parents about any issues only teachers if they are school based.

1. I need to encourage other friendships and teach my DD to be more self confident and less sensitive to perceived slights.

1. I will walk away from any friendship, between child or mother. Whatever prompted her comments the views have come from somewhere and I am lucky to know them now before I invest any more in this 'freindship'.

I honestly thought I was doing the right thing in not making clear the comment to avoid further hurt/upset. I merely wanted to say that comments had been made and that I thought that breathing space by not spending time together outside of school would help this situation. I guess I was naive as to how my actions have been interpreted by the mother.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to my thread and I appreciate your views.

WRAN, I don't think anyone here doubts your intentions were genuine!

Aside from the worry, I find the ebb and flow of my DC's social networking quite confusing interesting. A foe one week is a buddy the next. They don't tend to hold grudges but will distance themselves naturally from more consistently difficult or bullying types. Have faith in your DD and yourself!

Your second point is key, I think. Good groundwork in self confidence is something she'll have forever and it's possibly the best life tool you can give her

Sounds good . Don't forget, she will model herself on you too, so make sure she doesn't witness you being sensitive to perceived slights too.

It is hard with primary school children - especially girls (IME) - they seem much more fickle than boys, as EcoMouse says, best friends one day and sworn enemies the next!

I think that the best thing is to do exactly what you've said, and advise your DD to play with other children and to try not to take the mean things to heart. Also say that if she feels very upset she must talk to the teacher that day.

Then, difficult as it may be, let them sort it out between themselves and just keep an eye on the situation. Listen and advise, but keep your distance.

My sister has been embroiled in various texting conversations back & forth with her DD's bf's Mum (not that you have but as an example), and I just think it escalates the issue. If the girls can see their Mums getting miffed about, something that began as a childish fall out in school, then takes on more significance, because Mums angry about it at home too.

I hope it works out well.

I think you are really over thinking this.

Why tell your friend her dd had repeated something to yours but not what it was? What is the point of that?

I think you have handled this all wrong tbh.

Thanks again to all who took tme to give considered replies. Much appreciated. I knew I would find good words of wisdom here.

Off to start a thread about raising self confidence in girls.