DP smoking weed - had enough

[bunsandroses]

I am usually a lurker rather than a poster but tonight need to share or am going to burst a blood vessel (sorry if it is epic).
DP and I have a pretty rocky relationship, had a brief split after DS was born but have decided we owed to us all to give it another go.

DP has not been able to stay in a job longer than a few months and has decided as a result that he would become self employed. Result is a very strained financial life (we live in his mums house as he cannot afford normal rent). Despite this he has always found money to smoke weed (even when we do not have enough for petrol) and go to the pub every night. He does not go and get wasted every night but has to have his couple of hours of 'peace and quiet' every night.
When we got back together I said that before I moved back I needed to know that he was going to give up smoking weed (he was smoking in the day, in the week at the time), with no excuses or exceptions. He swore blind he had stopped and that he wanted to' cleanse his body and focus his mind', even said it was impossible to run a business and smoke weed.
Anyway, skip to now, he is still smoking and when i got back, unexpectedly, at lunchtime yesterday he was smoking a joint in the kitchen with my female next door neighbour (also a big smoker). Last week, he said he had to help my neighbour clean her shed out?! In fact he was helping her set up the equipment to grow weed in her shed (I read his texts). I do not have a moral standpoint on weed, what i have a strong view on is that my DP is not able to have anything in moderation and we cannot afford in any sense of the word to waste time smoking.
.
Tonight was the final straw, got back from work/nursery at 4.30 and DP was at pub, i bathed, fed and put DS to bed at 8, with no food in the house I heard him at my next door neighbours, went round and basically lost my rag (i have a fear of confrontation but something snapped).
God, it sounds so sordid when i read it back, I just feel that he has no intention of changing and I am going to live with a 40 year old stoner all my life.
How should i approach this, he is adamant he does not have a problem just enjoys smoking. Well done if you got to the end of this!

"I just feel that he has no intention of changing and I am going to live with a 40 year old stoner all my life".

Exactly. He has made his choice here. All you're doing by being there with him is enabling him. He is no DP to you at all, all he is now is a millstone around your neck.

I think you need to hold onto the above thought and make tracks to make a life with your son without him in it on a daily basis. A stoner dad for a father is no decent role model for your son to emulate is it?.

What is in this relationship for you exactly?. Who decided to give it another go after the last split?.

He is also quite happy to drag you down with him. He really does not give a fig about either of you.

oh dear

I don't know how things could be any worse as a single parent

he lives life a single man, does not contribute to family life in any way

leave him, love and find your own way

he is going to drag you all down with him

Attila, thank you for your post. I think what you said is right, what is in it for me? He was desperate for a second (fiftieth) chance and his family said to me that he was desperate without us. I also felt that having a child with him was a huge commitment i could not just walk out on.
I have moved away from my home to be with him and have started up my own business here, still these are not reasons to stay, just logistics.
Thanks

He says he doesn't have a problem? Oh, I think he has plenty of problems: he is a grown man who cannot support his family through normal channels (ie work), still relies on his mum to keep a roof over his head, allows you to do everything for your ds even though you clearly work much harder than he does, says he wants to 'cleanse his body' and sort out his business yet cannot stay off the weed, puts more effort into helping his neighbour set up an illegal weed growing enterprise than he does into supporting / feeding his family...

You are wasting precious time and energy on this man. Worse, your son is being subjected to a very poor role model, an irresponsible father and an unhappy mother.

Get out, now. Take back your life.

"I just feel that he has no intention of changing and I am going to live with a 40 year old stoner all my life".

Nope, it's worse. One day you will be living with a 50 year old stoner, then a 60 year old stoner. You see where I'm going with this?

Unless you take the opportunity to get rid of this loser and start a life for you and your son that has a real future.

Oh dear, sounds like your dh is a serious stoner. I was married to one of those once, ex h spent all the cash on weed before we'd bought food, etc. The thing is, he isn't gonna change unless he wants to , and it doesn't sound like he does. You are, as AF says, a single parent.If he wants to change, you could negotiate a sort of a deal, no weed during the week, only after dcs in bed at weekends etc, but i suspect he won't comply so you are left with the choice.... sorry!

i know weed is socially acceptable nowadays, blah blah blah, but the fact that your dp can spend plenty on weed rather than provide for his family is not in any way acceptable.
my last relationship was with a guy who i knew smoked a bit of it. it turned out he smoked a dam sight more than a bit, he spend more on weed every week than i spend on putting a roof over my head. he's gone!
the fact that your dp is also having sneaky smoking sessions with your neighbour really stinks too. he should not be having sneaky sessions of any sort with another woman. i'm not implying anything is going on, because knowing prolific weed smokers, it will all be about the weed. but it takes the p1ss.
you deserve better, and your ds deserves a better example of a grown man.

so true, AF and WS, but a single parent does not contribute financially to a weed habit out of the household budget.
also, to flip the situation a little: imagine if you, OP, could not sort out rent, bedtimes, regular income etc because you're always a bit too drunk to sort yourself out. he'd be rightly hacked off, and quite right too!

How old is he sorry? Did you say he was 40? Unless he is 17 this is not acceptable behaviour. I also don't have a moral standpoint on weed. I used to smoke all day every day and I only stopped when I was pregnant and when I breastfed. After I finished BF smoking made me dizzy and sick so I didn't go back.

Its pretty crap that you are having to live at his mums, are you financially dependant on him? Have you applied for council housing? Living with your partners parent can put considerable strain on a relationship.

Do you think he is depressed? Does he know what he wants to do with his life?

Hi, this post is old, so I don't know if you're still dealing with this situation, but through experience thought I could put a comment forward.

You may as well be his mum with trying to help him by telling him to smoke or not to smoke, when to smoke, what to do and when to do it.

It is his decision, put the ball in his court. The only kind of a relationship you're having with this guy is a mother figure, co-dependancy relationship. He is showing you a total lack of respect, which will impact on your relationship with your child. He will see how daddy treats you and think that this is ok.

If he is really serious about you and his/your child, then he will seek help, the first port of call would be his GP or FRANK.

Actions speak louder than words

I feel for you and can completely understand how difficult it is to live with someone who has issues