Female friendships - why does this happen?

[electra]

Does anyone else find that sometimes, people suddenly go cold on them?

For me it never happens with women I have known since I was a child - only 'new' friendships and then, only occasionally. But whenever it happens I can't work out why because I bend over backwards to be the most selfless kind friend I could be and have never fallen out with my good friends who I've known for years...

I'm not gutted or anything but just wondering if other people experience this too! I suppose not all friendships are meant for the long haul.....

You wrote your own answer.
"I bend over backwards to be the most selfless kind friend"
Why? Have your friends ever asked you to make sacrifices for them? What do you expect in return?

No, I don't expect anything in return at all - that was not what I meant......but I always try to do whatever I can to help iyswim. Is that not what friendships are about? Unconditional favours, etc?

Anyway, this is not something that happens over and over - just occasionally.

I don't think friendships, or any adult relationships, are unconditional.

I think perhaps sometimes people rush head long into a new friendship before getting to know each other properly. As time goes by you can discover that you didn't really have that much in common to begin with. Just a thought.

I agree with that Grace - of course.....but the things you do within those relationships should be unconditional imo.

Perhaps you are right Karmann....

Ah, Electra, I see what you mean

Relationships are transactions. When you do somebody a favour, they then "owe you one" (which is why the expression's so widely used!)It is possible that by trying too hard - bending over backwards; being selfless - you're putting too much in the 'favour bank'. The people you help might feel indebted to an uncomfortable degree. The best favours provide benefits to all the participants at once, so only a little remains 'unpaid', if that makes sense.

I realise that losing a few friends along the way is ordinary; I'm taking trouble over your thread because I get the impression you're thinking a lot of things through at the moment - if I can add anything useful to your processes, that's good for me.

Grace - that makes good sense and I hadn't thought of it

MD - interesting, perhaps I should take note of your experiences!!

hmm yes, this is my experience too.
But then tbh i am not that clingy about friendships.
I like you, have got some very good friends who i have had for many many years, they are "GOOD" because they dont take too much effort, they are just there, me for them, them for me. I LOVE thier company, we dont owe each other anything, we are just, well, natural i suppose.
I have had other friends who to my mind expect too much, this then goes by the by. Naturally though, no fall out, no bad feelings just disapear.

I think that the time that friendships feel demanding is when they are not healthy.
Of course we all go through difficult times in our lives, and at thise times we need the support of those who are in a position to offer help and support. I certainly dont feel hard done by if they are not there to bend over backwards for me.

I HAVE had my fingers badly burned with a friendship and refuse to go there again, this is the reason for my attitude i spose.

I've been thinking about your post electra and thinking about my circle of friends.

I have 4 female and 2 male friends that I am extremly close to and they tell me when I am being a pratt or they help me out without question. I know that I can ring at anytime and they will help me out (They have done)

What makes them good friends is that they were friends with me without any add ons. What I mean by that is I have had other friends who I've seemed reasonably close to but they became my friend through association e.g. DS friend's mum, work in the same place. Once that changed -kids get different friends, change jobs that common thread fades and you gradually lose contact.

The first group of friends I have known for over 20 years.
I guess you 'bond' with some people more than others.

I must admit I've never had anyone suddenly go cold on me though,that sounds odd.

You can never see your own behaviour in the way that others see it. What I mean is, in your eyes you are x,y and z. But your friend may not see that at all. My example is a friend who I thought was supportive and caring, actually turned out she wasn't that caring after all. I am not saying that is what happened here, my point is that we cannot see ourselves the way others see us.
Blimey, could I be any more rambling?

electra - It could be that the person who is receiving your favours can feel inadequate. You are the generous strong person in the relationship, she is the person who is needy so begins feeling inadequate.

Could it just be because people are so busy? I know I find it hard enough to see my old very good friends let alone having the time for new friends much as I may want to. I try hard but inevitably I can go a long time without seeing some people just due to the hecticness of life.

i used to bend over backwards until i realized people don't WANT you to do that. i stopped and offer when it seems the other person would welcome it, and things go a lot more smoothly then. now i recognize it in other people, and it does make me feel uncomfortable. i feel like they're doing it because they want me to like them and want to feel closer. it's off-putting in a bizarre way, like you're trying too hard.

MadamDeathStare: I could have written your post! Maybe this is quite a common thing, I don't know. This thread has been v helpful though and definitely given me food for thought! Thanks for posting, OP...

Well you see of course, I cannot see my behaviour objectively and so from another person's point of view it could appear different, I agree. Hmmmm it is all quite head doing. But I think I need to work on the way I see relationships because I was raised in an odd way, I now realise. My relationships with men have been a disaster as a result. My parents raised me to believe that selfishness is the worst possible trait and that you should almost constantly sacrifice yourself for friends.......only the tip of a big iceberg.

I feel quite uncomfortable when a new friend starts "bending over backwards" for me. I am not going to return the favour, I just can't be arsed to invest that much in new friends.

I have a small group of extremely close long term friends so if I am making new friends I am looking more for lighter friendships. Of course sometimes one of these morph into proper long term friends but that takes years IME.

When someone does start to be overly friendly too quickly I start to back off a bit - I just don't want to feel indebted to someone.

I agree with Morloth - you might be coming on a bit too strong. Whereas with my friends I've known since school, I really would do my utmost to help out if needed, I would actually feel awkward if a recent friend started putting herself out too much.

I think it's better to go with the casual, fun stuff with new friends, at least until you've 'settled' into the friendship a bit.

(But you sound like a lovely person to be so nice, btw. )

Thanks for your contributions - I will bear this in mind in the future!