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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared to tell DP that I'm pregnant

20 replies

stilldazed · 19/02/2010 09:54

I don't post very often and i'm not sure if this is the right place. But I can't talk to anyone else and really need to get this out.

I have a DD who is 9 months old.She is gorgeous and the best thing that has ever happened to me. She was unplanned and DP found it difficult...he adores her and is a great dad but the whole experience put a massive strain on our relationship.

Anyway i'm pregnant again about 8 weeks which is mad because we haven't exactly been very active in that department.

I'm terrified of telling him.we are only just getting back on track.but I feel so alone...and the morning/all day sickness is killing me.
Thinking of having a termination(although really don't know if i can) rather then tell him...it's that bad!!

OP posts:

LittlePeanut · 19/02/2010 09:57

You poor thing - this isn't just your responsibility - please tell your dp, don't terminate without telling him first. That would be far worse a secret to keep.

Ladyscratt · 19/02/2010 09:58

If he loves you and really cares that much then he should be supportive no matter what you decide to do.

I would tell him, you are going to have to anyway, then ask him how he feels about it and if you both think termination is the best option then that is up to you.

I don't agree with them personally but I am not you.

EightiesChick · 19/02/2010 09:58

Poor you. You must speak to someone. Is there no-one at all you could ring? If not even the Samaritans would be able to listen. I'm sure there are other organisations that advise about pregnancy - not sure which but others will know.
How would you feel about having another child, putting your DP's reaction aside for a moment?

Original poster

stilldazed · 19/02/2010 10:17

Thanks for your replies.
EightiesChick I feel that if I was with a partner who was positive and supportive i could do it. Obiously the age gap would be a challange! but it's the relationship...I just don't feel like i have the energy to go through it all again. feeling constantly guilty and crap and always trying to minimise the impact of the baby on his life/independence and having to play everything down. I just don't think i can go through it again with him.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 19/02/2010 10:27

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like the man you need to get rid of, rather than the pregnancy.

you should only have a termination if that is what you think is the right thing for you and your family and if you believe you can live with it afterwards. It isn't a quick fix.

Why the hell should you have to minimise he impact of his daughter on his life? he is her father! You didn't trap him into the pregnancy after all and the second one is as much his responsibility as yours.

You really really need to start prioritising your own welfare as much as his. You are the one who does all the work by the sound of things - he needs to support you.

What do you mean by "his independence"? do you mean his ability to carry on living like a single man?

I think you need to take a good look at your relationship and your place in it. You sound like he has you just where he wants you. This pregnancy could be your chance to rectify that or get rid of him.

skinsl · 19/02/2010 10:28

i think you need to focus on what is wrong with your relationship. It sounds like he is being incredibly selfish. I know some men don't bond properly with the kids, but it sounds like he is resentful of her, which isn't fair on you or her. There are things you can do, my DH was not very involved initially but with time it changed. So I do think I know what you mean.
Please don't make the termination decision until you have talked to him and talked everything through. You need to get this issue resolved, not just because he might not want another child, but because you are treading on eggshells trying to protect him from the reality of baby disruption. Yes, babies disrupt your life, but I think if they are involved more and involved in everything, then the good outweighs the bad. I hope this makes sense.

lololol · 19/02/2010 10:30

another way to look at a very small age gap is to think that the early years (which your relationship seems to have round difficult) for both DCs would be almost simultaneous and soon both DCs would be what I call "civilized". ie aged 3/4 with no nappies/buggies, can hold reasonable conversation and follow instructions etc.

Don't have a termination just becuase your DP finds things difficult with a baby. Only have a termination if you have both discussed and agreed that it is the best thing for everyone, in particular you.

verycherry · 19/02/2010 10:54

Firstly congratulations - you are obviously not horrified at being pregnant, just at the situation is puts you in with your partner.

You say your DD is the best thing to ever happen to you, you don't sound as if you would want a termination. I would echo what other posters have said, don't have one, tell you DP then go on from there you have equal responsibility for both your DD and this pregnancy.

If he is an arse about it then you need to think about you and only you (and DD) if he can't support you then you need to look after yourself and sod him. I know some men find it hard etc etc but he really needs to get over himself and take responsibility and you need to stop bearing that responsibility for himself and managing his life to lessen the impact of DD. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Wishing you the very best, make the right decision for you.

Original poster

stilldazed · 19/02/2010 12:11

mrsboogie when i say independance I mean that he goes to the gym a couple of times a week, a drink after work, goes away on a sunday to play golf..stuff that if the situation were different I might complain about because I need some time off too!

I do have to say that he helps a lot with DD but he says he resents me for the change in lifestyle...resents me not DD.

I should that he is 35...it's not like he's been cut down in his prime!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/02/2010 12:12

absolutely agree with MrsB

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 19/02/2010 12:16

Do you mean by "if the situation was different" that if the child was planned? Because it wasn't planned, you feel like you can't complain?

That's bollocks. How is it entirely your fault? Unless you lied about being on the Pill or something, an unplanned pregnancy isn't your fault.

And even if it was, he doesn't get to keep on with his old life at the expense of yours. Why are you accepting the narrative that the pregnancy was your fault?

noktok · 19/02/2010 12:22

on the basis of your post:

"he goes to the gym a couple of times a week, a drink after work, goes away on a sunday to play golf..." plus the fact that he is 35 and has the attitude of a teenager, I don't think you should have a termination. It would be for all the wrong reasons - ie so that your partner can continue to live the life of a batchelor and not ever bear any responsibility for anything. I'd be getting rid of that man before I even considered getting rid of the baby.

Original poster

stilldazed · 19/02/2010 12:22

The reason I feel it was my fault is because he wanted me too have a termination with DD and I couldn't so it was me who took the decision to carry on with the pregnancy he was against it.

It was totally unplanned and not 'accidently on purpose' type situation.

OP posts:

thefinerthingsinlife · 19/02/2010 12:23

please think very very carefully before you have a termination, i had one at 17 and ive regreted it every single day since, to the point I end up crying about it pretty much everyday.
In relation to your dp you need to tell him, and be honest about how your feeling. If he cant deal with the pregnancy try to see it as his loss (hard i know). Your children will be happier with you being a single mum, than you and dp staying together and the children knowing/feeling unwanted by their dad.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do op

mrsboogie · 19/02/2010 12:26

he resents you ? was it an immaculate conception then?

if he wanted you to have a termination before then he may want you to do so this time. You need to take the time now to decide whether or not that is the right thing for YOU.

When you have decided either way, you need to go on the offensive. Sit him down and tell him that he has got you pregnant again, that you are willing to try not to resent him for that IF he starts to share the impact of his child(ren) rather than having to be sheltered from it.

Either that or he ships out. Otherwise you will spend the next 18 years apologising for your and your daughter's existence. He is lucky to have you both and he should bloody well know it.

KentuckyFriedPenguin · 19/02/2010 12:32

MrsB is speaking a lot of sense.

Rather than think about your OH you need to think. Do i want this baby? Can i cope with 2 children on my own if i need to? Will this be something i will regret if i terminate? WIll i regret not terminating?

And then the questions regarding your OH will come depending on your answers to the questions.

Your OH sounds like he is quite controlling

AnyFucker · 19/02/2010 12:32

ewww, I really don't like this man

skihorse · 19/02/2010 12:34

I totally agree with mrsboogie, he doesn't sound like a very nice man. You need to start taking care of you and whilst I hate to say it - maybe you need to start thinking about contraception because two "accidental" pregnancies seems a little careless.

RoseWater · 19/02/2010 12:37

so sorry you are in this situation - the advice from other posters is good - please think carefully about yourself rather than him.

skinsl · 19/02/2010 12:45

if he wanted a termination the first time, it does put a slightly different slant on the situation. he just sounds selfish. whatever has happened in the past, this is the situation you are BOTH in now. You need to sit down and discuss the future and get some answers from him about what he wants. And also think very carefully about what you want. And if you don't want the same things, then take it from there.

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