Totally stressed by pil, please tell me how you would feel?

[verycherry]

Been with dp for 6 yrs have ds3-2.5yrs, ds4-7 wks with him and ds1-16, ds2-14.

His parents live 2hrs away, he moved out at 17 and has had a cordial but somewhat detached relationship with them since, seeing them approx 6 times a year.

The ds3+4 are likely to be their only grandchildren as dp's sis is gay and not particularly maternal.

I have always got on ok with them, they are kindhearted and generous but his dad is quite controlling and his mum fairly submissive. A prime example of his controlling behaviour was telling us he would pay for a new floor in our dining room and hall (we had'nt even said we wanted it)but only if we had exactly what he had just put down in his house! His dad does'nt really listen to anything I say and tends to talk over me - although he is quite like this with everyone.

I work full time, nights/weekends/12 hr shifts and dp is military, currently away all week. I am on mat leave at the mo but have adequate childcare in place when am working.

When I was pregnant with ds3 they announced they would be moving to live in the same town as us - we were quite taken aback and did'nt quite know what to say! When I asked what they would do about work (both late 50's at time not financially able to give up yet) his dad said he'd transfer as works for large organisation and his mum said 'well i'll be looking after the baby!' . When I went in to be induced his dad told dp they would leave immediately and come to delivery suite!!!! Dp soon put him right.

Anyway, his dad is often all talk no action so time goes on no move, thank god! We do not want to spend anymore time with them, we currently see them about once a month and that is strained, conversation difficult as his dad often just talks on about himself and thinks he is an authority on everything. They have often mentioned houses they've seen online but i've always been vague in reply...

So (sorry this is turning into an essay!) dp gets a call 2 wks ago from his dad (his mum never rings, she sits in background listening in and when she amd I have text convo's he will ring after to say exactly what she has said )saying they are def moving up here, his mum feels she is missing out on the boys etc etc etc.

Both of us in the past have been quite clear that we think this is v bad idea - leaving jobs, friends, family to be here where they only know me however it does nt seem to go in.

They are saying they are doing it to help me out, will look after boys when I return to work. Dp has explained we have childcare,don't need help etc. I definitely do not want them looking after the boys, they have never once asked about my actual working hrs so have no idea what looking after them would entail! Therefore I do not believe its about 'helping me out' at all.

His dad rings yesterday to ask me about a village close by, talks over me as usual, tells me they are viewing a house on saturday near us which also has an annexe and that dp's sis may be moving with them (she is 34 living alone at mo)!! Then goes on to say we are aiming to be here before you go back to work, says this 3 times to which I only responded riiight.......

All this despite dp ringing his mum last week to say, quite categorically, we are v worried about you moving here, we have childcare - do NOT need more, it is a massive responsibility for verycherry you moving here not knowing anyone purely to see the boys, she has a v busy life is out everyday. He asked her what level of contact they wanted here, she said to have boys while I work and to pop in whenever for coffee and to see them. It was left that we would discuss this sat when they visit, but they have since arranged this viewing...

There is more but am aware tis long. I understand they want to see their grandsons BUT I feel it is totally unfair of them to impose this move on us, particulary as dp is away all week and will be for foreseeable future, I don't want to entertain them, am not comfy in their company and neither is dp.

We have to be v clear on sat, however we have been clear already but they are not listening! What do we do? Am I fair to feel like this? Any suggestions?

As an aside, my parents live in same town - have lived here all my life - and I do see them alot, but I am v v v close to them, they don't provide childcare (are abroad big part of year) I think pil are envious of this but dp does not think its a motivating fctor.

Ask them what bit of NO do they not understand

YOU have childcare already

You need to stand up to their bullying now because if they move to your town it will be 24/7

Oh God, I had v similar with my parents. They live 4hrs away, when dd1 was born they wanted to sell their house, our house and my Grandad's house and all 6 of us move in together. Their plan was they'd both give up work and look after dd1 while dh and I went out to work to keep everyone

We had similar problems in getting them to listen to us, in the end we just had to say no quite bluntly to their faces. Dad didn't speak to me for a month but eventually got over it.

Has your dh spoken to his sister about it?

I wonder if you could suggest that as the grandparents, their 'job' is to spoil the kids somewhat and that if they were responsible for discipline, as they would if they were doing childcare, it would mean they wouln't have the grandparent/grandchild relationship that you would like them to have. My mum was carer to my DSis, 2 children and she has a very different relationship with them than she does with my two. With mine it is more what I would call a grandparent/grandchild relationship, whereas with my nephews, it is definitely more of a parent/child one.

Otherwise I think you just have to tell them, over and over if necessary, that you have childcare that suits you all and you have no intention of changing it so if they choose to move, they are not to think that it is to benefit you.

Tough one for you.

jeez, what a nightmare.

You HAVE to say NO, and soon. Just tell them straight out, as nifty said, your life will be worse when they get there.

Thanks all, it is a bloody nightmare and I agree we have to just say absolutely NO NO NO to their face's.

profyaffle glad to that approach worked for you, we def have to do it on sat. He has'nt spoken to his sis, they rarely speak she usually texts me re meeting up etc. She is more reasonable but is also depressed at mo and flits from job to job, relationship to relationship hence has ishoos....

I do feel like they are a bit bullying so am glad you also see that niftyblue I will not be bullied by them though. I totally see how it could become 24/7 my absolute worst bloody nightmare!

I would not ever really want any family doing a substantial part of the childcare as it does change the dynamic within all the relationships, much much easier to pay someone else to do it!

I just wondered if your sil could back you up to the pil, ie "don't be ridiculous Dad, you know Brother and Verycherry don't want this" etc but if she's got her own problems maybe not.

Hope you manage to get your message across

Don't think she would as it seems that she is keen on buying in with them and coming here also!! She is viewing the house with them on sat as it has an annexe, that is all an utter recipe for disaster.

When fil rang yesterday he was talking about her buying with them and said 'when we go the house will go to dsis then when she goes it will all come to the boys' obv completely bypassing dp! dp does'nt want the money but finds it incredibly hurtful and how can fil think its in anyway ok to state something like that in a quick conversation, and entirely unsolicited??

Am at your parents view that you would support them all, why do people think its ok to make massive assumptions about lifechanging circumstances???

Send them a letter. It sounds as if you PIL only hears his own voice in a conversation. I think you need to send them both a letter explaining how you feel, and saying that you are concerned about what your MIL would find to do in a new town, given that you and DP have agreed she will not be looking after your children.

Surely with your DH being military you have the perfect solution?
There is a v. strong likelyhood that he will be posted abroad in the next 12 months and of course you will all be going with him and would hate for them to move and then that happen .

Well, you can´t stop them moving, but you could tell them that they won´t see more of you or the children if they do.

What are MIL &SIL like? Would you be OK with seeing more of them whilst FIL works?

Might the buying together mean FIL can give up work?

Doesn´t SIL have a life where she is?

Hmmm... I can see why you're horrified - but really it's up to them if they want to move close by.

If you don't want them to look after your DCs then you should tell them so, and your reasons. I thin it would be rude to tell them that they're not welcome to visit much!

Why not focus on the positives? perhaps DH will get closer - his parents won't be around for ever... and it will be a lovely opportunity for DCs to get to know their grandparents...

I know it won't happen for a while... but with a close relatoinship with your PILs, in a short-ish while, you'll be able to drop DCs at them while you pop to the shops, or out to dinner... or off for the w/e....

I am a bit jealous tbh - I would love family support, but don't have any!

Malificence - that was my thought exactly! A very uncertain posting possibility would arise in my house - that might last for the next 10 years.

You do not want or need your partner's parents in your lives any more than they already are. What they (I mean your partner's Dad because he is the driving force behind this, his Mum is the bystander in this overall dysfunctional unit of theirs here) are proposing is a recipe for disaster. Their apparant desire to help you out is actually wanting to control things even more.

Both of you need to set clear and firm boundaries with regards to both his parents.

BTW your partner may want to read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuarth. You may also want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Fortunately many people have no real idea of what controlling and or toxic parents are like.

As an aside I am not altogether surprised to read that your partner moved out of the parental home when he did.

Controlling parents like his Dad is often make for controlling grandparents as well. They are only really interested in themselves you see, not their grandchildren.

You must maintain firm boundaries and both of you need to put on a united front with regards to them. Just keep saying NO.

Agree, tell them you will be moving to Scotland/Dorset next year. They clearly dont listen or empathise so blunt is the way to go. Ask them perhaps to wait to see what the news is.

Obviously if they do move to the next village you will have to move abroad and emigrate asap!

Actually we are seriously considering requesting a posting to cyprus, and have been for about a year now (dp is normally posted where he requests) this is definitely another plus point for that!

MIL and SIL are ok-ish, but I would'nt choose to spend time with them. SIL does'nt see much of her parents either and moved out quite early on but has just split with her partner and is currently v depressed,no idea what she does/her life is like where she is at the moment but she is always chopping and changing so am not surprised she is into this idea of buying together - she won't be within 2 months of it happening if it does...

MIL told me when I was 35 wks pregnant that they were 'really worried about how I was going to cope' they don't really know me but the fact that my kids are happy and thriving, my house is clean and comfy and they get a proper meal everytime they visit surely must give some indication that I am just about hanging on in there..... Oh and that I work full time and am doing a degree whilst Dp is away all week without having a breakdown probably shows I can just about cope thanks.

Attila You are so right, I have only just begun to think of him as controlling but now I can see how he really is. I have always felt uncomfortable with him but could'nt really suss out why but it does all come down to control. Dp actually said last night that he thought he was controlling. MIL totally goes along with it, I don't know if she sees it or if she likes it??

They insisted on coming to us boxing day despite me being 38 wks pregnant and knackered, I told her that as I was having a home birth and the other 3 were all born at 38+wks if anything happened they'd have to make a swift exit. She replied that they would take it as it comes.... errr no you'll eff off out of my house as soon as actually! Will definitely be reading those books, thanks.

whizzy Dp won't get closer to them as he lives away all week, he would prob see them not much more than he does now. I don't want to get closer to them - I feel v uncomfortable with them. I think Attila has got it exactly right, I don't think FIl is really interested in the boys, ds3 has cerebral palsy they have NEVER asked about his diagnosis or any of his treatments, they have never even as much as mentioned it to me! I do see your point, I am v close to my parents and forever grateful for their support, I do appreciate the benefits of family I just know they will be on top of me and I do not want that.

Emigrating is feeling like a fabulous idea right now!

God, if we had the chance to go and live in Akrotiri, we'd be off like a shot, it's the one place we never got to live in.
DH put in for Cyprus once and we got Lossiemouth in Scotland! , so not what we wanted.

Your pil's sound like a nightmare.

Verycherry it is so refreshing to hear of someone on MN who has problems with the PIL but actually has agreement and full understanding from their DH. I'm so glad for you on that count.

It sounds like a nightmare situation as people have said. My thought is that perhaps when you have this face to face conversation, the four of you, and you and DH say very clearly "We don't want you to move here" it could be a cathartic release for your DH. It sounds like he does stand up to them generally, which is fantastic but you both need to go up a gear. Bloody hell. The FIL sounds like a character from a film or something.

Whizzy, it sounds like because you haven't got PIL helping you out, you think that all PIL are lovely people. But they aren't - they are just as capable of being abusive as anyone else. Not everyone wants their PIL spending too much time with them. Could you not see how incredibly controlling the FIL is? Why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with him? Do tell me.

RL I have no contact with inlaws at all - my mum lives a plane ride away - she is retired and comes to stay for long holidays, but it's not the same. DD's dad has been gone since before she was born - and my other family (mostly distant rels anyway) are all at least 6 hours away.. I have a good friends network, but I do feel DD misses out.

I do appreciate that some people are more hurt than help... I suppose what I was getting at is that the children can have an independent relationship with their grandparents, even if they drive Mum mad!

Remember reading somewehre - do you fall out with your MIL - she is one of only 2 other women in the world who love your DCs as much as you do.... OK, ok... know that there are lots of caveats, and not true for me personally, but I thought it was a lovely way of putting things.

Sorry - meant do not fall out with your MIL

mal god how opposite could you get cyprus - lossiemouth???!! DPs current posting is about the exact opposite of what he requested and has been told what his next posting will prob be so we are hoping that if we request cyprus for 2013 we'll get it given two previous postings not at all what he wanted.

redleaves Thanks, DP is v supportive wrt his parents, probably because they drive him crazy! We are just going to have to be very blunt are'nt we? We are going to ask them exactly what they envisage by a move here then address what they say and tell them we don't want it to happen.

Could'nt get back to sleep after DS4 fed at 4.30 this morn, its going round and round in my head just want to get it over.

What a terrible situation - if it wasn't for the fact that my brother obviously isn't your DH then I'd think your PIL were my parents!

Just want to reiterate what others have said - you HAVE to be blunt with them. Have you thought about meeting them face to face but actually handing them a letter?

They can twist a conversation afterwards but more difficult to twist / gloss over / 'forget' words on paper that say "We do not want you to move near us and if you do you will not be looking after our DC."

I'm rather freaked out by your situation as I fear this is exactly what my parents will do when we have children.

whizzy can see your pov I would really miss my parents support, they support me and adore the dc unconditionally, however MIL never asks me about the dc which I just find odd, she does not appear interested in all the normal things like how are they sleeping/eating when is DS3 starting preschool etc etc. When they are here they don't play with DS3 and bring him really inappropriate presents/toys that FIL likes (remote controlled jeep for age 8 upwards).

rhinestone have considered the letter thing, think we will speak to them, then if not working do the letter. You are right its incontrovertible if written down. Poor you with your parents, must be much worse it actually being your own parents. Am hoping your parents don t do this..

So quick update - they arrived on sat having been unable to view house as arranged as now sold. DS needed feeding shortly after they got here so I went upstairs to feed him, when I came down DP had already talked with them and MIL said to me 'its all decided we are not moving here'

She was'nt massively arsey but most definitely a little arsey, said well we would'nt have just turned up and intruded on your life..... FIL started going on as he does saying 'oh it was only an idea anyway' and 'I was going to retire to move here, suppose I'll just have to carry on working now......' DP put him straight immediately saying you can retire where you are now, don't have to move here to do so!

DP was very clear with them re the childcare and how busy our lives are etc etc and that we may not stay here and that our plans would certainly not change if they came here. FIL stated that they would still be moving here in 4 yrs when he does retire - I told him there is v good chance we won't be here then but of course he did'nt listen

They had booked another viewing for 4pm but FIl insisted they go out of courtesy (even though it was 12.30 plenty of time to cancel and not waste everyones time I would've thought?) so am not sure he has completely got the message.

MIL admitted she did'nt really want to leave her job - she really enjoys it, has done well within her organisation, FIL described her job to me as 'her little job, she enjoys it gives her a bit of pin money' prick. She also does'nt want to leave recently widowed BIL.

We then had 'well now we are not moving we can.......' comments for the rest of the afternoon.

Think we have made our feelings clear for now though. Thanks to all who replied.

Great outcome. Your DH sounds like he was a total hero in a potentially very tricky situation.