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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how bad is it for your H to tell you to shut up?

23 replies

SodaPopRock · 18/02/2010 08:58

Sorry for stupid question.

I made a comment that irritated DH and he told me to shut up in front of DD - I think that is out of order but am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
lololol · 18/02/2010 09:01

Depends what other behaviour it is combined with.

If alone, I think it's OK, probably depending on the tone and intent.

MarineIguana · 18/02/2010 09:02

Depends how he said it - if he was angry and it felt demeaning then it was out of order. Me and DP have been known to say it but usually in a kind of comedy/exasperated way that we know isn't meant nastily and if it felt hurtful we would let each other know.

He shouldn't really say it in front of DD anyway, it's not a nice thing for her to pick up - but you can explain that to her.

JaneS · 18/02/2010 09:21

Hmm. Depends how he said it, but also, DD ought to learn that you two don't always agree. I think 'shut up' is fine if you're suddenly concentrating (driving, cooking crisis, whatever), I'd not think twice about saying it or hearing it from my DP in that context.

Intergalactic · 18/02/2010 09:25

It isn't something that I like to hear and I would be upset if someone said it to me. I can't think of a situation when it would be appropriate in the workplace, for example, which indicates to me that it isn't appropriate at home. If you're not happy about it then discuss it with him.

heQet · 18/02/2010 09:27

I think it is very rude. I would be angry if anyone told me to shut up. Unless you were being offensive of course.

Pluto · 18/02/2010 09:48

On the infrequent occasions we see them FIL frequently tells MIL to shut up in front us and DCs. I find it and . It's done in an unpleasant tone and I wish I had the guts to ask him not to speak to her in that way. She's a long-suffering woman.

It does depend on the tone though.

SleepingLion · 18/02/2010 09:57

Intergalactic - hope you don't apply that rule about things that are inappropriate in the workplace therefore being inappropriate at home across the whole of your life

I have never watched Home and Away, fallen asleep on the sofa or shagged my husband at work because I can't think of a situation when any of those activities would be appropriate in the workplace but please don't tell me I therefore have to give it up at home!

Snorbs · 18/02/2010 10:08

It's hard to say. I know some people for whom "Shut up" is a perfectly acceptable alternative to "I'm busy/distracted/emotional at the moment so could you give me a few minutes to sort myself out and then you'll have my full attention." Their relationships seem fine.

Others, such as myself, find it downright rude.

MitsubishiWarrioress · 18/02/2010 10:21

It would depend on the situation to me.
I would say it and accept it said to me in humour and a light situation, but if it was a serious moment it is a badly expressed way of talking to someone.

Again, the history and context matter.

winnybella · 18/02/2010 10:28

Out of order, unless said in a joking way.
Never had dp speak like that to me, with or without ds present.
Rude.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2010 13:12

I told XH (before we broke up) to f* off and die once. He kept interrupting a programme he knew I wanted to watch, I asked him nicely several times if he would be quiet until it was over, he made one more remark which he no doubt thought was funny, so I said that thing, and he went all quiet and didn't speak to me for three days. When I eventually broke, as I always did, and asked what it was about THIS time he said, in sort of 3-year-old tragic tones, "You want me to die!"

Well, now you come to mention it...

Malificence · 18/02/2010 13:32

"Shut up" is a perfectly acceptable term in our house, it's clear, concise and to the point. As long as it's not said in an abusive or belittling way, it's fine.

What is not acceptable in our house, is swearing , yet other people we know swear at one another all the time and I find that appalling.

What's right for some couples, is wong for others, simple as that really.

OrmRenewed · 18/02/2010 13:37

It depends on how 'irritating' you were being. Were you saying something offensive or unkind? If so I wouldn't think it was an overreaction.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/02/2010 16:59

I tell people to shut up all the time. There really are some fragile fucking flowers in this world if that's traumatic.

Fluffypoms · 18/02/2010 17:06

agree with solidgoldbrass

Original poster
SodaPopRock · 18/02/2010 17:08

I never said I found it traumatic SGB, I just think it's disrespectful and rude and wondered how others felt about it.

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 18/02/2010 17:13

I find it rude but I know plenty of people who don't and use it to each other frequently. I never ever use it.

I guess tone of voice and body language also will play a part as well and what the situation was. Not sure I'd want my daughter learning to speak to people like that if young. Not setting a great example IMO. But maybe I'm old fashioned

Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2010 17:23

I have to add, btw, that I don't actually believe people should cuss at each other the way I did. He was just so obviously doing it in order to be annoying, so I obliged by being annoyed, then he went all offended. And he used words like the F word all the time, even though I used to ask him not to. (Got the shock of my life once when I was driving with DS1, then about 4, in the car; I muttered something about what was some other driver playing at, and heard this dear little voice say clearly "That is because they are all arseholes"!)

Hardly ever swear, again, now I'm not living with him. There's so much less to swear about.

annatw9 · 18/02/2010 17:24

i think its bally rude actually, and if anyone told me to shut up- friend, family, stranger, id think they were a complete *. unless said by them as a joke (stranger aside).

ItsGraceAgain · 18/02/2010 17:30

Different strokes for different folks ...
My acceptable "shut-ups":-

  • Oh, do shut up! (theatrically)
  • Shut up for a minute, will you? (I'm concentrating & you're rambling)
  • Shut up! (urgent, social shipwreck imminent)
  • Shut the fuck/hell up, will you (you've been ranting for ages and I've already tried the polite versions)
  • Shut up now (you're in a hole & you're still digging) My unacceptable "shut-ups":-
  • SHUT UP! (shouted)
  • Shut your face/mouth/trap/cake-hole, etc. If the OP finds any "shut up" offensive, then it was a breach of their household rules. I have a feeling she wouldn't like me very much
mathanxiety · 18/02/2010 17:33

You know yourself if it was meant to demean you. If you think it was, then I would make it clear that it will never happen again.

Bleatblurt · 18/02/2010 19:17

I say shut up a lot. It's the only way to SHUT THEM UP. I do try much nicer tactics first (usually) but nice does not always work round here.

lilac21 · 18/02/2010 22:18

My exH once said it to me across the table in a restaurant. We were celebrating our anniversary! It was the first time I really began to notice how little respect he had for me. I wish I had dealt with it properly instead of just shaking with disbelief in the Ladies for five minutes.

If you mind, it is offensive.

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