is it REALLY too little too late??

[cheatedon]

I used to be on MN all the time many moons ago (different name), but was on here with this name about 18months ago after I found out that my H had an affair just before our wedding. I found out 2 days after my wedding on our honeymoon when I found a text.... classic.

This was 18months ago, we had been together 9 years, 2 DS's, all going well, moved house and decided to get married (more of an issue of money and age of young DCs before). I find text...all implodes within our relationship, however, saving our marriage was the fact that we still loved each other, affair was over before the wedding, he wanted to marry me, and our 2 beautiful DSs.

We have had Relate counselling, I felt I emotionally shut down at the end though...He has said he will change his ways so many times...he is a self confessed workaholic, but things have just not really improved, I can't move on from the affair, other lies, can't even talk about the wedding.....I have always put in the majority of effort romantically in our relationship, which is fine, but I guess I had enough and gave up abit and got involved emotionally with OM.

The emotional affair with OM has now ended. He was a friend, and it has been an emotional roller coaster, H knows everything, and I was practically honest from the beginning tbh, said I felt that "I was being pulled away from our relationship", he was just too wrapped up in work to notice. Anyway FINALLY ended things with OM (6months), and I decided as an outcome of the affair that my marriage was over.....I told H I want to split up......problem is...since then he has been amazing...this has happened (to a lesser degree) before when we have talked about splitting up (I've never decided before) but things always go off the boil after a while.

We are in a financial mess (despite his long hours and well paid job) which means he can't move out till we get more sorted anyway.

I just feel all his gestures are too little too late....BUT also can't bear the thought of splitting up my family....am completely heartbroken over OM.......am very very unhappy at the moment, crying all the time, unable to see a way out of the mess.......IS it worth just hanging on....or split to get my head together....or just say enough is enough~divorce???

I think the easiest way to answer this would be to speak to hubby and lay everything on the line.

If you have managed to be honest with each other so far (albeit with some deceit in the beginning) then you should at least respect each other to talk it through like adults.

Maybe a break from each other would make you realise each others redeeming qualities? Or make you realise that parting ways is the right decision for you?

Its not easy to make decisions like these but so long as both parties have all their cards on the table then it should make things a bit easier to work through bit by bit.

I feel so sorry for you. I am unable to move on from my husband's serial cheating. It may not have been sexual but it was all but if not full sex. I try to be pleasant but just occasionally the bitterness and pain erupt into me saying something nasty however hard I try. I check up on him and often misinterpret things. I hate the paranoid person full of resentment and hurt that I have become. I am also angry that his behaviour has made me this way. I simply can't get over the many lies and the deceit. I knew I was right but he kept denying it and making out I was going crazy. He let me be humiliated. People pitied me. How can you ever feel respect and trust for someone who treats their wife this way. I know now that he is a skillful liar, so I rarely ask him questions as I am unable to rely on the truthfulness of his reply. If like me you are stuck in this mode, you are better off ending your relationship. Nobody tells you how to forgive. How I wish I could. If you are young enough to move on, it would be better unless you can forgive. nobody should have to live in this way. Good luck.

Baggy - those feelings you describe are mine too. Husband now living with OW after leaving me in Oct. Affair been going on for 3 years but he has known and worked with her for 10 years.
I have too become paranoid and any call he makes, or thing I find out about him from my DC's I tackle him about, with pain and anger. I cannot trust him, even though he says he will look after us. I feel my personality has changed too. I have always been very happy, optimistic, outgoing but no longer. I worry about being alone and feel very scared. I asked him time and again if he was having an affair and he always denied it, making me out to be crazy. My DC's said they thought I was going mad too, but they now see it was the effect of my suspicions and the torment I was feeling. I wish I could move on and forgive him, he is a good person and good father but has let me and DC's down so badly. How do you forgive? I feel too old to move on at 45, who would want me.

"devastatedbuthopeful" if you were once very happy, optimistic and outgoing you have a lot to offer. If your husband is not going to return, and if you would prefer it if he didn't, try try and try again to recapture the person you once were and truly are. 45 is still young. You do not sound bitter. You acknowledge that your ex is a good person. You seem very fair and kind. October is still very recent and the wound is still fresh, especially if you have been living with suspicions for some long time. It takes time to readjust to the fact that someone you loved and trusted was deceitful and betrayed you. He called you crazy , but the truth was that he was a liar and adulterer. You were not crazy, you were right. These shocks will take time to adjust to. There must be someone out there who will treat you well. Don't ruin the rest of your life like I have done. Detach from him, he has long since detached from you. Find a truly good and honest man, you deserve it. Good Luck

Hmm!! what a nightmare. Cheating is cheating as far as I am concerned.

I would follow through with the split and see how you both fare up with some time apart.

If he jumps on the next thing he sees then clearly he didn't really care that much, or if he sobs into his beer and starts loosing weight then try dating again and see how it goes from there.

I think people like sometimes deserve the 2nd chance (yeah right like I really believe that) but in your case then it might be worth it, but he needs the shock first.

Thanks Baggy for your kind words.
I try not to be bitter, and I think that really deep down, despite what he has done and because I do still love him very much, I wish him well.
But I worry for myself, I hate being alone, I've never had to do it before. I am angry at the situation I have been left in rather than the fact he fell in love with someone else. We can't chose that nor help our feelings.

Thank you so much for all your replies. There has been so much going on here, haven't had time to answer. I'm sorry to hear that so many other women are in this situation. It is so horrible. The thing is I don't WANT to become angry, resentful and bitter, and I feel if I stay with him that is what I will become. I have closed down emotionally so actually at the moment, not even feeling jealous if he is away at work (he is trying hard, so no reason to think he is still cheating)...thing is not sure I really care if he is!!! We have talked and talked and talked the last few days but I want ME back, I actually look forward to being independant with the kids....and hopefully retaining our friendship as so far we haven't had horrible angry arguements, just are sad. I don't want to turn around in 5 years time and think...why didn't I live then. I would rather split up and get back together (although not having a trial seperation) than become bitter.
"devastatedbuthopeful" NOOOOO no age is too old to move on!! I don't think you can always "forgive" as such, but can learn to live comfortably with the truth and one day hopefully see that things happen for the best....hopefully from a really happy place.
"ladyscratt" LOL at the crying into beer...Hmmmm good luck to him!! I feel like I have given him a second chance because after the wedding we decided to give it a go, but he decided to go out with his mates and do something stupid (pay for a private dance) and not tell me about it! Its been 18 months since the wedding, and I am thinking enough is enough. There are other issues too...the workaholic thing etc. Just devastated for my kids. :-(
Bloody, stupid, stupid, flipping men.

I know exactly how you feel, your probs the same as me just wanted a secure family life, nothing more nothing less. but as wwifn said on other thread issue lies with them, not us. i too had an EA with good friend, just to make me feel good about myself I guess. nothing came of it but I was also honest and told H and he couldn't deal with it all, yet ive had to deal with far worse.
I have decided to sit it out see if he does do all that is required to sort his issues, if not then I can hold my head up high, walk away and know that I was decent enough to do that for my family.
Ive come to the conclusion that the majority of men are programmed to stray, just some are strong enough to resist temptation and some aren't. obv some men just don't behave tat way but in my opinion they are few and far between

rosyred, thanks for your reply, I have answered on your thread!!