Who wants to swap exes?

[DutchGirly]

I have had a rubbish week due to my XP behaving very inappropiately so I am going to start a light-hearted thread to swap exes.

To swap I have:

• X who think he is easy-going but sulks constantly for days on end and gives you the silent treatment
• nothing is ever his fault, he can't help the way he feels nor can control his actions
• does not respect any boundaries you set
• won't let you go on holiday with little one to Greece 'as there are terrorists there'
• will let you go on holiday with him 'for little one's sake'

Anyone wants to swap? He is house-trained

I have one that still won't move out despite the fact its now 8 months since I gave him the money for his half of the house (which he then spent half of on a car ).

So I still have to dodge all his crap prized possessions all over MY house, still get woken up by him getting in at silly times in the morning, and worst of all still have to field calls and texts from MIL.

House-trained sounds like an upgrade if you swap then I'll throw in the TV for free (it only ever seems to have football on anyway)!

Tempted?

Mmmmm, you sure he does not sulk?

Will he walk the dog? I get very grumpy if I get woken up in the middle of the night so not sure if I can cope with that.

How bad is the MIL, hysterical drama queen? Forgot to add XP has CRAZY family and sociopathic ex-girlfriend.

I am not selling him terribly well, am I?

ermmmm... no promises on lack of sulking, but he might be up for dog-walking - as long as its a decent sized dog...

MIL isn't too bad but is either completely in denial about the fact that we've broken up, or hasn't actually been told yet . She keeps asking when I'm going to visit them because it's so long since they've seen me. I keep finding different ways to say 'no. never.'

I'm not sure I could cope with a crazed ex-girlfriend though. The one on my scene always spoke much sense. She warned me what he's like years ago and I just accused her of being jealous and bitter

Oh I have one to swap too.....

• Big fat liar, even though we been apart 2 years still feels the need to lie about everything, problem is he tells so many lies he cant remember who he has told what so he always gets found out.
• Tight git, has not paid a penny in maintenence but manages to take his tart away for the weekend on a regular basis.
• Adulterer, was shagging his tart for 8 months before i found out.
• MIL from hell, despite the fact her son was having an affair i appear to be the baddie in all this and she has only seen me once since we split but then again i was never good enough for her precious son anyway. FIL however visits on a regular basis and tells me what a tosser exh is.
• Thief, i thought i had lost my engagement ring and was distaught but turns out exh sold it to finance nights/days out with his tart cos he knew i would notice if he took money out of our joint account.

Any offers for this prize twat??

My exh is actually rather nice.....we get on well but just sadly not the guy for me.

I would really like for him to have a new partner!!

He can be a bit forgetful, can talk the hind legs off a donkey and a bit 'old before his time' type. But a bloody good dad.

oh by the way, am happy to just give away, no swap required!!

If I felt ready to get back in the market, MuthaHubbard, I'd take yours; he sounds rather nice. Good thing you aren't after a swap as my X is slightly damaged round the edges and definitely not house-trained.

I'm loving this thread, keep it up ladies. I would add my soon to be ex, but believe me, none of you would want him

I'm loving this too! Starting to think celibacy is the best option!

Light hearted fun on an otherwise shitty day! Mine seems lovely compared to what's on offer to swap but really he's not! Let's hear more!

You lot are sooo funny, better than any sitcom.

It's actually really made me think too.

I feel so heartbroken and damaged after h leaving me and the kids that pretending that he's someone elses ex is actually quite helpful.

It means that even just for a few minutes I can pretend that he's shat on someone else from a great height and not me.

Feeling a bit stoned (not in a good way) as have increased AD,s this week.

Does it ever get better ? Its been 2 years now and it just gets worse.

Really sorry to have damppened your lovely thread. Pls carry on. You're all a tonic.

Thank god for threads like this, thankyou for starting it dutchygirl. xxx

PinkSmarties, let's hear what you have on offer.

Come on, swap your X.

Have an ex available. Good at keeping secrets (even from himself).

Good sense of humour (by Christmas cracker standards!)

Good hair (now over his face just to prove he can grow a beard!).

Very laid back, doesn't notice mess, etc, though powers of observation increased dramatically by imminent arrival of parents.

Very available as not working.

Would swap for chocolate, ice-cream and a good bottle of wine - not interested in anyone else's ex's (they're ex's for a reason!).

Bloody hell, ok then Dutchy, if you insist.

My ex is very "green" as he runs on great big stinky wet farts.

Addicted to porn,

Would rather wank than have sex with me,

Regularly creats a falling snowflake effect with dandruff by scratching his itchy mangey scalp,

Constantly scratching his balls and then sniffing his fingers, even when sitting on the loo,

Won't snog as he doesn't like it,

Often has rank breath as never brushes his teeth before bed,

Goes on holiday with his friends at least twice a year.

Left me and the kids after 27 years because,"I want to put myself First"

He was nevertheless the love of my life .

I don't want anything for him, just put a couple of quid in the charity box.

Sorry, was on a roll, I hope I haven't lowered the tone of this thread.

I really don't think anyone would swap anything for my XH, but they do say that some women think they can change a man so here's my offering...

Pathological liar, stranger to soap. Fairly heavy smoker but unable to pay maintenance. Will happily walk out of any job at any given moment but specialises in moments of extreme financial need. Not that bothered about keeping in contact with his son. A very good chef but usually unhappy to sitr himself up to actually cooking. Firmly believes that all women love housework but is more than happy to let them go out to work and do all childcare too.

He does come complete with a rather nice but gullible mother though.

Gosh. Reading this back, I can't think why I let him go.......

Wouldnt wish mine on anyone,he might come in fairly handy as an educational exhibition for teenager/young women though.
Like where they make ex-prisoners talk to young lads to deter them from a life of crime.

I've already swapped mine

I gave them to women who are much nicer than me (as I was told) and threw in large quantities of cash, plus all the good stuff from the houses. And a sports car each (red, natch).

In exchange, I got CONTENTMENT

Here's what you'll get if you go for my exh.

• Goodlooking (but doesn't have a clue how to look good)

• Extremely bright (but not an ounce of common sense)

Engaging conversationalist (but won't let you get a word in edeways, he exaggerates so, massively, and he knows absolutely everything* there is to know about anything grrr

• Good cook (with filthy kitchen habits but is above housework)

• A great provider to his dcs (if you consider ZILCH to be providing)

He comes absolutely free of charge. No exchange or payment necessary.

My ex:
A Liar, really, lies about big things or small things.

Will mould himself into anything you want... He will change his favourite colour, music, food etc etc to match yours.

Likes to be told what to do as he cant make a decent decision himself.

Drinks heavily.

Blames you for everything going tits up.

Thinks that drink driving is OK.

Thinks its OK to have DS when he has no food or electric.

Will jump at any chance to spend time with you and say things like 'I will be much better if we can just chat for a couple of hours a week, I think it will make me better'

Emotional blackmail.

Likes inappropriate relationships it seems.

Is probably mentally unstable.

Is able to 'act' out what he thinks everyone needs to see.

Asked me why I was so negative our situation all the time. I replied that I am realistic not negative.

WWill swap for someone that will take the bins out and get the logs for the fire in as that is all I need in my life. If they could do this whilst im not there it would be fFantastic.

I can offer mine!

Does do dog walking, (good excuse to get out of any other domestic chores).

Hard working (well that was what he claimed he was doing on the computer)

Very supportive of woman with crap partners (just not me) to the point that he's broken up two other relationships.

Good church going lad (good way of meeting other women)

Very generous (with my money anyway)

Not afraid to show his emotions (be that by trying to kick the front door in or by crying everytime you raise a problem)

On the downside, it is buy one, get one free offer, in that there is a mistress attached. But on the upside, he's still busy pretending she is 'just a friend' so if you aren't fussed, neither will they be. And she will be very friendly to you.

Please take him, it will stop him harrassing me so often.

Annie - you are more than welcome, if you throw in a bottle of rose, he's all yours!!!

Mm, rose. I tell you what, how about we share the bottle whilst slagging off the exes, and forget about the swap?

MadameOvary...he doesn't live in Edinburgh does he? Sounds suspiciously like someone I went on a date with once.

Now I'm afraid my XP is married..sorry to disappoint you all...

Janos - actually he does live in Edinburgh!
What did his name begin with?
Dying to know, now!