Hi all,
After months and months of lurking and participating just with some comments on other people?s threads, I can now unfortunately contribute with my own one. I could very well do with some advice here.
I have always been a very independent woman, moving frequently from country to country, with a career that I love and I?m very good at. In 2008 I met my current DP, when we were both working for the same company, and we clicked almost instantly. Shortly into the relationship he was offered a fantastic position at the other side of the country. He is also really good at what he does, but our work philosophies are very different: I work hard but try equally hard to have a life out of work. I won?t do too much overtime, as I believe my company is paying for my services, and I am entitled to a private life to have my hobbies and my travelling. My DP on the other hand, gets very stressed at work, does frequent overtime and sometimes has problems sleeping as a result. Not being at home enough was already one (of many) factors in the breakage of his previous marriage.
When we were discussing about the possibility of moving down South to his new job, I said I was keen to go with him. This would mean leaving a job I loved and many friends that I had made during the years to move to a city where finding a job in my area would be much tougher, and where I knew no one. I nevertheless agreed, with just one condition: if I moved with him, I wanted to have time with him, not to be home on my own. He would have to make sure the overtime and weekends away would be the exception, and not the rule. Otherwise I wouldn?t commit. He promised it would be like I said, and during the contract discussions with the new company he was assured this would be no problem.
So I left my job and joined him, we bought a beautiful house together (all my life savings went into the mortgage) and started what I thought would be a fantastic life with the man of my dreams.
Trouble is, it is not.
As I feared, I barely see him. He is frequently home late. He brings work home. Sometimes I wake up at 5:30 am to hear him working in the computer or receiving calls from work from oversees producers and clients. He is never home when he says he will. He has stopped having time to even give me a call in the middle of the day or write me a line to see how I?m doing.
And I?m not doing good either. It has taken me 4 months to find a job and I have been feeling down and lonely. Not having a job has made meeting friends very difficult. I can never know when he?s going to be home, and so can?t plan any evening activity together. Even when we?re having dinner, the phone can go off any time and he will interrupt anything he?s doing to concentrate in the call. Sometimes dinner will go cold waiting for him to come back to the table, he seems unable to tell the person on the phone he?s just busy at the moment, and call them later.
About me, I am starting to feel bitter and resent him for breaking his promise to me. Had I known this was going to be like this, I wouldn?t have left my job and my friends. As it is, I am now trapped in a beautiful cage, with no friends, no support, no partner and feeling cheated. He keeps saying ?work is tough at the moment, it will get better from next week?, but he has been saying this for months now, and there is always something new coming up that means he has to leave for the weekend, or work early mornings or late evenings. He does not get extra pay for the evenings or weekends he works, and when I ask him if I can join him during the weekends (to make sure at least we will spend evenings and nights together) he says the company does not encourage partners to attend. I would understand if this was during working hours? but hell, weekends are for us to be together? his company takes him away from me and does not even accept me being there??? (of course, I would be paying my own ticket, food and accommodation, I am no leech).
My dear grandma died last week and I am so far away from my family (they live on the other side of the World). I am calling my parents and uncles and aunties, but I am so sad I can?t be there with them hugging them and helping them go through this. And I am here alone. He spends barely a couple of hours a day at home, and even when he is here, he is not fully here, IYKWIM. Today he?s just left for the next 4 days for a working appointment, including the weekend. He won?t be back until Monday morning, and he has to go right back to work. I am thinking about leaving and staying in a flat on my own, as I prefer to be physically alone than to feel lonely, and I hate the bitter, depressed, disgusting person I am becoming.
What would you do in my situation? Am I being unreasonable here? I have no friends to talk to, and I can?t tell my family now about my own unhappiness, as they are still reeling after my grandma?s death. I hate to talk about personal stuff on the phone, and that stops me from calling my friends back at the previous city I lived.
Any advice greatly appreciated.