How do I deal with trust issues?

[InsecureWife]

Ok - bit of background.

Have been with dh for 12 years and have a primary age ds. DH is attentive, loving and would do anything for us as a family. Problem is that he works v long antisocial shift work in a demanding job. Have sex a few times a month - I think my sex drive has reduced since having ds - don't know if that is down to having the coil or just juggling a young family, job and dh's shift work. I think that sometimes I resent his job so much as it keeps him away from us as a family that I can't bring myself to have sex with him iyswim.

He's just changed areas and as started to liftshare with someone - now normally I wouldn't have a problem but its a youngish single woman who's just come out of a relationsip.

My father had loads of affairs. And our relationship is quite dysfunctional - I don't think I've ever got over him leaving us when we were younger. As a result I find it incredibly hard to trust men. I've managed to keep a lid on my insecurities within my marriage and my dh would be so surprised to hear any of this.

I just don't want him to give this woman a lift to work. I know its insane, but his job is full of people having affairs and I'm just so worried that spending an hour a day with someone who he'll probably share lots of info about his day etc and before long it'll be 'My wife doesn't understand me....'. I have no reason to not trust him, but based on my parents relationship I have no reason to trust him either.

How do I deal with this?

Have you any other reason for not trusting him with his colleague?

I would talk to him about it, I assume he knows the history with your dad? If he does he should understand where you're coming from. Talking about it with him should make it easier for both of you...

My dad did the same and affected me more than I realised, then my DH cheated on me, so I do not trust men at all now.
completely understand your worries, you should talk to him about and see if there is an alternative, but really depends on man, some men won't go there, others find it easy to cheat, and saying that if he is going to then he will regardless of him sharing lifts.

You have to talk to him. I think you are quite right to be cautious, but that's all you need to be at the moment. Many men do cheat, but in my experience the vast majority don't (that's based on friends and family experiences, I've not road tested hundreds of men!).

If he knows why you're insecure, he will probably do all he can to reassure you.

Thank you for responding.

No, no other reason in the world not to trust him.

So - what should I say to him to stop him thinking I've turned into a completely neurotic wife

I tried to broach the subject the other night by asking him how long he was going to liftshare for and whether he would always be driving - the other person doesn't have a car atm.

You see - the rest of my experiences are of men who cheat - I can remember when I was young and single soooo many of the men I dated had a long term girlfriend that I only found out about after a month or so.

I guess I am always preparing for the inevitable - I have control over the finances - bank accounts that he is completely unaware of. I check his statements without him knowing (he doesn't open them so wouldn't even notice).

Fuck - I need to go back to therapy don't I?!

Agree with the previous post, however i know that once you have the idea of cheating in your head it can run way out of control.
All txt, phone contact must be the OW etc.
Talk, be honest about how you feel and why. Ultimately you have got to decide to trust him or not....difficult I know.

I wouldn't like it TBH. You need to talk to him though and have it out.

like you i dont think i trust either.

I would not like the lift share either.

My h did have an affair and so we are both more open now. My h is 'aware' of the dangers now too.

He often gets invites to lunch and in the past he would always accept these - however if it is just a female he will decline now.
Recently he was chatting to a female friend who started moaning about her h - she is always quite forward with him and he felt she was giving him the chance to take it further.

There is always danger when these friendships get so close.

Beware but also if you do not feel comfortable you should be able to talk to him and ask him to stop the lift share.

Could you befriend her too? That could make you feel a bit better.

No - I couldn't befriend her - I've never met her. I know she lives down the road from us.

How do I open the discussion with him - I'm completely stuck on this - I just don't know what to say to him?

She now wants to come round today to drop off some cakes she's made to say thank you for giving her a lift.

Is this a bit wierd?

Hmm! sort of, sounds like she is trying to weedle her way in TBH. Just accept them as it would be rude not too I guess. Might be worth getting to know her and monitoring the situation but keep it friendly.

Don't give you DH too much grief as this will only push him away.

Keep a very close eye on things.

My husband had an affair, we are working through it. I can't trust him though. But I know although he was deeply and cruelly wrong to do what he did, there is part of me that accepts that to a degree I pushed him away.

I profoundly didn't feel loveable. (But only see that now in hindsight) I think now that I was depressed and full of anxiety, I was overburdened, I covered up the sensual side of me and I became all nurturer of the children and others, deep down craving approval. You might be right you might need to go back to therapy to build up your own sense of self worth, self confidence, deal with issues of abandonment (my father died when I was a teenager, so similar but not same) . This woman can only come into your relationship if it has chinks in it so try to heal any chinks - if you want to. Sex is weird, the more you do it the more you want it, so how about you go away for some time together? Honestly it's a cliche but it works. Believe in yourself. (I am working on the same issues so could be a friend talking to me here!!) Good luck.

It's interesting that you're being given conflicting advice - you should befriend her but her attempts to be friendly are wheedling her way in!

In her situation I would be trying to be friendly towards you to make it clear that I had no ill intentions. I work in a company where I am the only woman. I socialise with the men, drinks at lunchtime/after work etc but would never go with just one of them and I do make an effort to befriend their wives/GFs.

This is partly based on having trust issues with my DH and knowing how I feel about his behaviour with women at work!

ADM

The idea behind the being friendly was so that any possible investigating that would need doing would be less obvious if she were more noticable to this OW.

She doesn't really have to like her just pretend to.

ATM nothing solid has come to light and it is just a lift to work, personally I wouldn't like it either, however there is nothing to suggest that anything else is going on.

I would just sit him down and tell him how you feel see what he says. If you have the realtionship you say you have then he would be understanding.

Thanks again - she hasn't come today - ds is ill today so dh phoned her to tell her not to come over.

I think I feel a bit defensive as well - I don't want anyone else baking my family cakes - that's my job

I'll mull it over this weekend and try and think how to broach it. I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and say why I feel how I do and leave it in his court. I'd never demand that he stopped giving her a lift or anything like that but just tell him it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Ok - she came round today bearing gifts.

After she left I burst into tears as I was trying to explain that I felt a bit uncomfortable about it and why. He was genuinely shocked at how I felt and reassured me that he wasn't like my dad and that I didn't have anything to worry about.

So I guess that's it. I did ask him if he thought it was a bit wierd for her to want to bring cakes round at the weekend - he said that he did think it was a bit wierd but said that she was the sanest person that he works with. I suggested he might want to keep a distance as you never know someones motives are and just left it at that.

Insecure - there's been a breakthrough today, when you've allowed your vulnerability to show and that's such a good sign.

However, what I read from your posts is that there is much work to be done here. What you've told us is that you've never (until today) told your H how you felt - and that you've been hiding financial information from him. Trust is a big issue in your relationship.
The lift-share woman is a side issue, I think.

Married couples are wise to be careful about friendships with the opposite sex, but that doesn't mean those very enriching friendships and acquaintanceships shouldn't happen. The rule is openness, honesty and that those people are friends of the marriage. This lady probably knows that instinctively and is trying to do all the right things to show you she means no harm. She is trying to befriend you - that is a good thing.

You've been brave enough to let your H know you've been uncomfortable about the arrangement and he's had enough empathy with you to reassure you.

In your shoes, I would build on this - and have longer and broader conversations about trust and transparency. Come clean about those secret accounts - secrecy really is pernicious in relationships.

Reach out to this woman - she might become a really good friend and honestly, the way to ease your concerns about her is to find out more about her as a person.

Can I also suggest both you and your H read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass - it is primarily aimed at couples recovering from infidelity, but it has so much wisdom to impart about "safe" friendships, building trust and creating a happier marriage.

The main thing now though is to keep talking, keep showing that vulnerability and encourage your H to do the same.

Meant to add, there's a whole chapter about lifestyle vulnerabilities. Working in an an environment where affairs are the norm is seen as a big red flag, so that might need looking at. Also, try as a couple to address your sex life - this will do wonders for your closeness and overall intimacy. But I have a feeling that if you two started talking more honestly to one another about your feelings, this in itself will do wonders for your sex drive.

Thank you - I completely agree with you re: showing vulnerability. It's like I don't want to allow myself to be 100% open as I don't want to put myself 'out there' to risk of getting hurt.

I may think about going back into therapy - I haven't been for a few years but think it would be beneficial to give me the emotional support to understand why I am the way I am.

We did think about going to couples counselling a few years ago - not because we were at risk from splitting up - but because we both agreed that there were certain issues that were difficult to overcome - only problem is that dh's work wouldn't enable us to have regular weekly sessions.