Need reassurance that I'll get over it

[Popzie]

Look I know this is going to piss some of you off because it's about getting over an affair. I understand if you are repelled by this post, but I really could just do without a berating this time around as I'm feeling really low.

I had a brief fling with a male friend late last year. It's all off now, we don't really speak that much or anything, but I'm just devastated by the whole thing.

I know it was wrong and that I deserve to feel shit because I'm married with kids, but I just can't see an end to the pain of this break up.

It's been about four months - I really thought I'd moved on a bit by now but I think I'm doing well, getting my priorities straight again etc, and then - BAM - I fall straight back down the hill and end up pining for the OM as I did twelve weeks ago. Today I've got huge anxiety over it all. My breathing is shallow and I'm all tight in my throat; I couldn't sleep last night. I can't believe my feelings for this OM are so strong. I want to put it behind me but I can't stop thinking about him.

What I'm really after is some reassurance that time will be the great healer again and I'll get over him and be able to focus on my life as normal.

I'm not asking for sympathy as I know I don't deserve it, but I want someone who has just got over a break up with someone to come and tell me that it'll be okay soon.

Thanks.

.

Have you read Shirley Glass's book? I suspect it's written more for the person who was betrayed but what you feel is fairly normal. It's a good book.

Have you thought about getting some counselling. It may do you some good to talk about these feelings with someone and get it off your chest and work through your issues with a professional. They may help you a lot.

My hubby had an affair and I don't truly understand it but I won't flame you x

The fact you're trying to get over them is admirable.

Thanks teaandcake; I will look into the book, it's a credit to you that you posted given your situation. It's also good to hear that what I feel is actually a normal reaction.

Popzie, I can reassure you that you will get over this - time will heal but it won't happen over night.

My thought though is about what led to you having an affair in the first place. If you have stuff going on in your marriage that's making you unhappy perhaps that needs to be dealt with before you'll really be able to move on from your OM.

I, rather unfashionably on this site, believe that these things happen and that they happen for a reason. Those reasons may sometimes be selfish (I've got less sympathy for men because I am clearly a hypocrite) but I don't think many married women with children go into affairs lightheartedly.

Hi Belle,

You are right. I am with my DH for the DCs. We get on well, so it's not worth breaking up a family for, but we're not emotionally right for each other. Although my life before OM wasn't ideal, it's certainly preferable to being heartbroken like I am and so I wish it (the affair) never happened.

Thanks for the reassuarance.

Ah, Popzie... My heart goes out to you. I was once the OW (I will probably be banned from MN for life now!!) and when we finished after only a few months I felt like my heart had been crushed. I was devastated. But, I got over it. We even worked together so I had to see him fairly often. Plus he wouldn't let it go completely. Odd phone calls/texts etc. I even got an email from him this week. We're "friends" apparently. The affair was 10 years ago, by the way...

I don't know why I'm mentioning this other than to say that I was able to regard him with affectionate nostalgia in a relatively short time. I look back on it as something special that happened at the wrong time.

You will get past your feelings of loss but you have to allow yourself to mourn what you've lost and what might have been.