My mother - abusive, mental or misguided?

[letitout]

Have namechanged. Been wanting to post this for a while as i find it very difficult to mention it to anyone in RL.

I had a difficult relationship with my parents, particularly my mother, still do. I don't think i love or like her much at all. Its very hard to pinpoint exactly why, i can think of scores of little bad memories, but there is no defining description i can put to the feelings i have.

I am an only child, was always very independent and strong willed. She is hyper, anxious, a bit ocd probably (gets up at 4 in morning to 'do her jobs' - ie cleaning), and just so different to me in all respects.

I could write at length about various things, but a couple of things i would liek to find out what other people think iswas going on... are...

Between the age of 11 - 13 i think, she used to (not sure of how many times, prpbably 10 or more in total) burst into my bedroom a while after i had gone to bed, and ask me if i was 'touching myself', she would then ask to smell my fingers for proof. In my memory, I actually never was at the times she did this. I find it very very painful to write this, i feel very angry still about it. I could put it down to old fashioned attitudes to masturbation (although she actually appears fairly open minded about sexual matters, can make innuendos etc in public), but it felt so intrusive and oppressive, it was awful.

Other times she burst into my room when a mate was staying over (we were just pratting about, jumping on the bed) when we were about 13, and accused us of 'being dirty' with each other. She also burst in a few times when i was doing homework (i am talking creeping up the stairs and throwing open to door) and accused me of sniffing tippex ( i wasnt) and being a drup addict.

I did use drugs recreationally for a while but way way after this period.

HAve seen my mother this weekend, and every time i see her am left with horrible, hateful feelings towards her. I feel guilty that i dont love her, and have no connection. She is a good grandmother to some extent.

This post is really to ask, is the finger sniffing a form of mild abuse, as my DP suggests, or just something to do with her own foibles, childhood etc that i need to let go of.

Thanks in advance for any interest.

I would be inclined to keep your children away from her, too, Letitout. If you felt unprotected as a child, even without the obsessive checking up on you taken into account, that would be enough reason for me as an adult.

I meant 'dangerous' as in someone I wouldn't leave my children alone with based on what the OP has told us.

Just my view.

I would also make sure my own children were supervised in her company

The piano teacher story says she is irresponsible. So, yes. Sorry if I misunderstood.

About the whole 'repressed' vs 'relaxed and sexy' thing ... it actually sounds like she is very concerned with appearance. And it's important to her to seem relaxed and sexy, so she puts effort in on that, in the ways she can.

But all that effort isn't natural for her, so her need for repression? control? in that area comes out elsewhere, more privately, in her mistreatment of you about masturbation etc etc.

Thank you for your posts and insights.

I have two other quite extreme facts that i have wondered in the past whether have impacted on her behaviour towards me. She did have younger brother that died of pneumonia when he was 2. Apparently my grandfather (a very detached, cold man when i knew him) never got over it. This was in the 1940s, and i was only told recently by her that the doc had diagnosed a cold, and her brother died the same night. My grandad was left bitter (unsurprisingly). I think she was left - as the only one - maybe never ever feeling good enough. Her mother is still alive (my gran) and is a funny old stick really, very critical of my mother.

Secondly, and this is hard to write, my mum knocked over and killed a little boy (i think he was about 10) about a yr before she had me. It went to court and it wasnt her fault, he had run out into the path of her car. This must have been devastating, and when i think about it, is the main reason i feel guilty about how i feel towards her. To this day, i dont think she knows that i know. How fekked up is that!?

When i was 14, and going through a particularly rebellious time at home and at school, my dad took me to one side and told me to be nice to my mum because she was always upset at that particular time of yr (near my birthday actually) because of this incident. I got a 3 minute briefing, along with me promising never to tell her he had told me.

I think this was inappropriate on his part, and a terrible way to deal with it. Since then, the only person i have discussed it with is my gran (her mother) who has furnished me with a few more facts, not many, but apparently she 'changed' after the accident. I have often wondered whether it might have triggered a breakdown and then her falling pregnant was a bit of a disaster on top of her mental anguish.

God, i started this thread about something specific and now its all coming out!

Am not sure how the accident might be connected to her behaviour, except perhaps overcontrol of situations. The obsessive cleaning, appearance, overbearingness with me...all about control and order, maybe necessary after something so random and tragic has happened to you. I know she has never had any sort of counselling - things were different in the 60s - and she is very vocal about 'do-gooders', counsellors, psychiatrists etc, pathetically defensive about how its all a load of old nonsense.

Will stop, am rambling at the screen. Not sure if any of this affects any of the above...

goodness me, letitout

you really have

this all sounds terribly sad, but doesn't really change the facts

her behaviour was inappropriate, has affected your relationship with her and now you need to be vigilant for your own children

your whole family seems terribly repressed and dysfunctional, tbh

I am sure you are not keen to carry on that tradition, your feelings are valid and understandable

I know. Reads like a great plot for a novel actually. And that's just the half of it.

You are right, its background noise, but she is bonkers for whatever reason.

I am not at all repressed. Very open. I ran away from home at 17 (after several attempts - a shock to their respectable veneer), was a bit of a mess for a few years, but have ended up in a good place in all sorts of ways! Just this baggage rears itself now and again, and apart from my supportive Dp, i never really get others' thoughts on how dysfunctional it is!

Thank you

She has had some awful experiences, and of course you feel sorry for her - even I do and I don't know her! - but you can separate that from the guilt, which isn't helping you.

My mum has also suffered some terrible things including losing her own mother as a child, but past trauma doesn't make it OK to treat your own child badly and inappropriately. As a parent it's your job to process such things and be aware of them and protect your children. That's what you are doing letitout, by trying to understand yourself and your feelings and discussing them with other adults, instead of acting things out on your DC.

I agree you need to be vigilant because you don't want a situation where she can do the same kinds of things to your DC as she did to you. And you may need to be firm and assertive with her. Again I think counselling might really help - it has for me. Though I wouldn't say you ever really leave these things behind or "conquer" them, you can sort out your feelings and learn to handle the people who trigger the feelings, if that makes sense.

letitout, it does sound to me as if she may have been abused herself as a child/young adult. Her responses and behaviours seem to bear that out. It doesn't excuse her behaviour to you or make it less abusive.

btw letitout I'm like you - reacted to it all with extreme independence, feminism etc. and I think I'm very unlike the rest of my family. But I know what you mean - sometimes it just comes and gets you.

I'm so happy you made these connections, letitout. Your mum's weird behaviour now has underlying causes that you, as an adult, can understand. You have absolute certainty that her actions were in no way provoked by you, or anything you did. Of course you didn't comprehend this as a child - and you shouldn't have had to live with its effects. But few lives are perfect, are they?

Your poor mum has been "out of control" for all those years, emotionally speaking. I wish there was something we could do to heal those old hurts of our parents' ... Just maybe, the understanding you've gained might prove helpful when she gets old, and requires (even more) patience.

I think she may have been abused in some way as a child too, BelleDameSansMerci.

Meant to add this may be the reason she is so adamantly negative about therapists, etc. -- she may be afraid of them 'finding out about her'?