Has anyone managed to make their marriage work after finding out dh was having an affair?

[punchandjudy]

Has anyone managed to make their marriage work after finding out dh was having an affair?

Found out on valentines day...saw a message on his phone and had to dih and dig until he finally told me.

I'm still in shock, he doesn't want our marriage to end, he cried I've cried etc etc

He says he did it as he was flattered, she gave lots of compliments, said he was handsome etc etc, and tbh our marriage wasn't great anyway, and it's been a long time since I paid him any compliments at all.

It hasn't been going on long, about a month, but they have become quite close and have slept together a few times.

The trouble is this womon lives opposite us, aand I see her everyday, see her house, her car all the time, everytime I open the curtains there she is. I went over to see her yesterday to ask her why (she has a 3 year old and is married too) and she said she doesn't know, that they just clicked.

I don't know what to do? On one got hand I want to throw him out, on the other I want to make it work

But can it? Realistically has this marriage got a chance now? Has anyone else successfully put an affair behind them and moved on?

Not in my books chick. Affairs are bang out of order in any count. Does her husband know, if not take great delight in telling him. Sorry In don't pit up with that sort of shit.

I was afraid I'd hear that.

Well I am not one to be giving advice, as my marriage is coming apart at the seams, but I have been recommended Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass - and so far it has been spot on. Just wish my H agreed. But it may be a very useful tool if your own H is positive about fixing things. Good luck.

You poor thing. I can imagine the shock you are in - I've been there.

It's been about 18 months since my dreadful discovery, and my marriage is wonderful now - so it is possible to move on and for your relationship to be even better than before.

However, this route is not easy - and our happiness was hard won and traumatic at times. Not Just Friends is an absolutely brilliant book, I'd really recommend it.

I don't have much time to post right now, but please do a search on my name as I've posted about affairs a lot in the past year. You will see some of my journey.

I will summarise here though what I think you need to know right now. Affairs can happen in good and happy marriages, especially those where a friendship has imperceptibly "crossed the line".

It is common for betrayers to claim they weren't "getting enough" of something, when the truth is that they weren't "giving enough". It is common for the betrayed to feel they are to blame - you are not to blame for this. An affair is never justifiable, no matter what led up to it.

It is perfectly possible for betrayers to love their spouses and get involved with someone else. Often betrayers get addicted to the feelings the affair induces - and not the person (evidenced by how quickly they can sacrifice that person on discovery).

Affairs are often about escapism from life and not the marriage.

Don't rush to counselling, rush to Mumsnet, reading that book and conversing honestly with your H instead - atm, you will learn far more from these experiences.

Don't make a decision about what you want to do just yet, take your time until you know all the facts.

Tell your H that honesty now from him will save untold hurts and setbacks in the future.

Amidst all this, work out why you would want to go through the rebuilding route. Don't stay for the children, or for financial ease, or any of the ties that bind, other than love.

I don't know, I have never been in your situation. The only thing is that I know myself well enough to know that although I could eventually forgive an affair because I love him, I would never, ever, be able to forget it. I would always have images in my head and I would not be able to cope with that. especially if the OW lives so close that you are never going to be able to push her to the back of your head.

But that's just me, I know there are some on here who have successfully rebuilt marriages after an affair. I suppose you have to know whether you are the sort of person who could put it behind you or whether you, like me, would always be tormented by what you imagined in your head.

I second MaggieMuggins I have that book. Although I don't think my marriage is salvageable that book has been tremendously helpful to me.

The only way it is salvageable is if you both want it to be. If one partner wants to leave the existing relationship for a new one, then trying to force him/her into counselling will prolong the agony and not work anyway.

I've only recently found this site and have been shocked to see just how many people go through this.

Yes it's possible but it's very hard work. It's very tempting in the early days (which is where you are now) to feel that you have to make decisions quickly. You don't. Give yourself a bit of time to decide what you want. The bottom line with me was do I want to be with him or not. When I could answer that question honestly, and just that question, then I had to set about learning to live with it. Rightly or wrongly I don't think I can forgive or forget but I can understand it and learn to live with it. Just as we have to learn to live with other things in life.

It seems to me, and I don't usually like to generalise about either sex, that if a man is flattered by attention he starts thinking with other parts of his body, whereas women blush, giggle and run a mile. Maybe that's too general a statement but it certainly applies to some people.

I think one of the biggest problems you are going to face is the fact that she is so near. I'm really not sure how you're going to cope with that.

Wwifn said that affairs are often about escapism from life and I think that is absolutely true - certainly so in my case.

Keep posting on here - I am sure you will receive some really helpful advice. I wish you all the very best.

So sorry that you've entered this awful time in your life. I know from bitter experience the pain and disbelief you are going through at this moment.

Yes you can survive and move forward and even become stronger- we did. It is not an easy road to take but if you feel that what you've had in the past is worth fighting for then try- just look at all the relationship threads on here and you see that not many people find that special relationship. If you feel you had that- despite this awful cancer in your relatinship now-and YOU want to then it is possible to work through this.

It was 6 years ago for me when out of the blue I had no idea there was anything wrong- he told me- he had to as her husband had found out and was coming to tell me!!!It was like I'd been hit in the face with a wall I had no idea!!!!

The things I learned are that afffairs are about fantasy and escpism- not even always escapism from the relationship you are in- often it is escapism from something within that you've not faced up to.They are incredably powerful and can make a man completely think in a way they've never dreamed of thinking to the point where they do not see reality and commom sense.
The other thing is how men can put parts of their lives in different boxes and put lids on the boxes when they want. so yes they can be with her and you dont even enter their head and vise versa.....I couldn't get my head round how he could touch another woman and not think of me (that's how I'd feel if it was me and another man)

The other thing is that they often can't survive reality- when the bubble is popped as yours has now and everyone knows (her dh needs to know)then the cold light of day exposes them for what they are ....seedy, built on lies and deciept,about lust not love and the reality of what they are about to lose hits hard.

For us it was a very hard year following finding out. I made him go to see a counsellor and sort his head out to try an find out how/why he'd got to where he had.
I went to see someone seperatley to help me cope with the rollercoaster of emotions which can very quickly if not vented safely turn destructive.
No more secrets- everything out in the open- he had to answer all my questions- he had to stop all contact with her- we had to talk open and honestly to each other about what we were thinking and feeling.

It took me many years to get to thepoint where I could say i forgive him (some things are unforgivable)but we did come out of it stronger and closer.

He looks back now and can't believe it was him- he fully accepts it was all his fault and he made the decisions that put everything we had together at risk (3 children too!)

For you please remeber it is NOT YOUR FAULT he's an adult he makes choices and has to live with the consiquences of those choices.
I decided to let him stay and work at it I weighed up what we had in the 16 years before ho lost the plot for a year and decided it was worth fighting for. Only you know if that's the case for you.It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks it's what YOU want now that's important.

So it is possible to move on - it's not easy- but it can in the long term make you staronger.Good luck.

In my case, in the end, it didn't matter what I did, my ex just didn't want to be with me any more. And there wasn't a whole heap I could do about that. I couldn't save the marriage on my own (although goodness knows, I tried). I just wish I hadn't been so terrified to move on, and I wish he hadn't pretended he wanted to stay.

Yes if you both want it to work, then it is possible. In fact your relationship could become stronger as a result. You need to work out what went wrong and perhaps both take some responsibility for what went wrong. You may be able to forgive him, given time, but you might never really trust him again. Can you cope with that? I forgave DH, but I still don't completely trust him and that is more than 3 years later. Horrible for you that she lives opposite and this makes things much more difficult to bear.

Thank you everyone, an awful lot to think about.

People can and do stay together after the discovery of an affair. In my case, the FIFTH infidelity was the final straw but then I'm very slow!

Some people say an affair made them work at their marriage and improve it so there is hope. You might have to consider moving though. Honestly, across the road. What's the matter with him? Really sorry for you. A horrible thing to happen.

There will be as many people whose marriages were stronger and happier after an affair as those that ended in bitter divorce.

Hand on heart, no thinking about anyone elses thoughts or reactions, do you still want to be with him? If so, you need to tell him what you need from him to be able to move on and if he isn't willing to do it then you will have to have a rethink.

I think you were very strong to go over and see her.

Good luck.