Let down and angry...can I forgive this lack of support.

[runnybottom]

I have PND, for the 2nd time, but a good bit worse than the first time. I'm really struggling...I find it hard to even get out of bed in the morning...but I do anyway, because I have to do all the things you have to do when you have children.
Anyway, my husband treats me as if I'm in a bad mood, like as if you'd had a bad day. He seems completely unable to understand, and even less able to give me any emotional support. He doesn't talk to me, or let me talk to him about how I'm feeling, he just tells me to got back to the GP, and says "you need some drugs, you need to talk to someone" Thats it. I feel completely alone and have no-one to support me.
What makes it worse is that a few years ago (soon after I had had our 3rd child) he had some serious health issues that were worrying and puzzling and needed lots of investigation. I went to every appt with him, waited for hours in corridors, visited every single day when he was an inpatient, while dealing with a newborn, children, house, everything. I researched his symptoms and his eventual diagnosis so I could understand and talk to his doctors etc.
Hes well again now, has been for a long time, it turned out to be less serious than originally thought.
The point though is that he hasn't/won't do anything for me when I need help. I feel like I'm begging for support, for attention like a child and he can't or won't. I feel like I carried him and cared for him whenever he's needed and theres no-one to do it for me,and after being upset, now I'm so angry. Its all I can do know to be civilised towards him at this point. I feel like slapping him. I feel like leaving him.

I won't though. I suppose I'll have to put on the mask that I use for everyone else and pretend that its all fine, because I have children and responsibilities and no-one to catch me when I fall. Its no wonder I feel so hopeless.

Perhaps he simply doesn't realise the severity of your illness.

Print out EXACTLY what you've written here and show it to him. If he then continues to be un-supportive of you then I agree you've got a bit of a deal-breaker on your hands.

Are you satisfied yourself that you have got adequate support/treatment from your GP?

I lived with someone who suffered from depression, and refused to go to the GP for proper treatment. It was horribly wearing to try to support him, without knowing how to, and without actually being able to make a difference.

If your DH is not very good at finding ways to give you the support you need, can you spell out to him things that he can do to help you feel better? Tell him that you would like him to look after the children for an evening so that you can devote time to doing whatever makes you feel good about yourself, cook you a special dinner, or even just making you cups of tea on demand.

Men tend to like to deal with problems by providing solutions, whereas you probably just need to talk about how you feel. He may find it difficult to just listen, when there is nothing he can do to make 'fix' things. Have you actually just said to him 'I just want you to sit and listen. You don't have to try to provide an answer'.

I hope you feel better soon

Write a list of what oyu want him to do.
Don;'t expect him to magically understand.Men aren't generally too good like that.

I realise it looks as if I am expecting him to do something, to be a crutch or something, my OP sounds pretty whiny I know. But its more that I can't beleive just how alone I feel in this.
I always thought we were a good team, there for each other. he's never been very comfortable with feelings and stuff, but I always felt loved and supported. Right now I feel neither, just when I need it most.
I'm just so hurt...and now angry. I would never have abandoned him in this way.

I have been to my GP, but am waiting for a referral to a psychiatrist for meds as gp is uncomfortable prescribing for someone who is breastfeeding, having no experience.

having been on the other side - it is hard to be a therapist/counsellor to someone else - so when he says "talk to soneone" he is probably being realistic that he doesnt know how to handle it...you do need a professional counsellor/therapist.

if someone who can involve him as well so much the better.

and if GP has suggested meds then yes that too...

agree that if you spell out very practical things you want him to do, on specific days/times, then might be easier for him.

fact is tho you can't force him to do things - you were very proactive when he had his illness - but maybe he doesnt have the same drive/energy as you.... or just doesnt "see" it.

while by rights he should be supprotive - whether he can/will/wants to be will also depend on how he is generally, how supportive usually, how much did you you share chores/childcare etc before, has he previously shown more support around things and this is different? how was he the last pnd?

you cant change how people are - only they can change.

are there others you can get support from, family, friends?

I understand what you are saying. I am tackling it for myself with regualar doctor visits and awaiting a psych appt for meds.

I think I've realised that its just not something he's able to do, its just not in him. I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot, he doesn't even just give me a hug if I'm in tears, he leaves the room. It makes him uncomfortable and when he doesn't know what to do or say he does and says nothing.
The last pnd wasn't so bad and conincided with his illness so I dealt with it quietly, took meds and got on with it by myself. I was a bit upset with his lack of support then but completely understood that we were dealing with his problems.
I suppose thats why I'm so upset that he can't seem to help me even a little bit this time. He's fine, and had someone to lean on when he needed it, while I have no-one.
I'm at the point where I don't actually expect anything from him, but is it possible to have any kind of strong relationship afterwards? When one partner feels so alone at a time when they needed some support, is it possible to get past it?
I see my life ahead of me and think, I hope I never get sick, get depressed again, god even get old, because will I have to deal with it all alone?
Or maybe its just that this shows we never had the strong relationship I thought we had. I think he's always relied on me and I've always relied on myself .

I think men are just generally like this with emotional problems - or at least in my expierence they are. I bet if you had somthing like a broken arm he would be much better - he could cook the dinner, make the tea, bath the kids.

With PND he just feels completely out of his depth. If he is uncomfortable giving you a hug when you are crying generally (I know my DH is like this) then now you are actually depressed he really must be shitting himself/ out of his comfort zone.

My DH always says he feels uselss when I'm crying - no idea what to say or do. He tends to make a sharp exit, or sit and say nothing, or sometimes gets angry. I have said "FGS just give me a hug" - but I HATE having to tell him this. Especially when I think, why doesn't he remember from last time? I just need a f*ing HUG!!!

It doesn't feel like genuine care/concern when we have to TELL them to hug us. But there you go - they are emotionally clueless and just need it spelt out.

Sorry runnybottom, not very helpful probably. I guess I'm just trying to say that he probably is emotionally incapable of being there for you. He will help in practical ways if you spell it out to him.

It sucks, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

It's why I sometimes think lesbians must have much healthier relationships in this respect. Imagine if your DP was a woman, it would be completely different!

runnybottom, so sorry to read how you are feeling, I know how awful it is because my DH is the same. I have also felt completely alone at times when I have been trying to cope with some really difficult and painful emotional issues.

And like you have done, if DH was ill, I would fully support him in the way you supported your DH when he was ill.

I think the advice you have had is wise, it's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he is a man, and will not react to you in the way a woman would in the same situation. I feel a bit 'pot calling the kettle black' whilst I'm writing this, as I can see I have been in the same boat as you and felt the same way and yet not been able to tell myself what I am now telling you.

In my own situation, I have over time told DH exactly what I need from him. But I can see it does not come naturally to him at all and he needs constant reminders and it all feels like too much hard work to be worth it.

I have realised for myself that at times when I feel emotionally down and vulnerable, I am actually looking for DH to behave like a parent would. But he is my husband, not a parent and so my expectations are unrealistic and most likely will be disappointed.