What to do, and do I want to do it?

[jojomama27]

I've been with my P for 8 1/2 years and we've just had a baby 12weeks ago. The baby was planned and very much wanted on both sides. I am 27 and he is 30

My P has always been a very outgoing social person where as I've always been quieter and prefering a small circle of close friends and family. He likes going out a lot and drinking heavily with friends (who are 6-7 years younger than him) and I prefer to see friends and family for a coffee and go shopping, and staying in with a good film. Before my daughter was born we worked well together. If he wanted to go out, he would go, get drunk and stay out all night and I stayed home doing my crafts or talking to/seeing a friend.

Now the baby is here I said I wasn't happy for him to stay out all night and drinking heavily, at least while our daughter is small but he really doesn't understand and thinks I'm being unreasonable. I said he was welcome to see his friends as much as he liked but I wanted to him not to drink too much and to come home (he has access to a motorbike and a car, and we live near a train station). He also has alot of hobbies he started doing leaving me to deal with the baby all day and then carry on and do the night feeding too. He says that he only does those things to keep himself occupied!

On top of that he has been pushing me for sex, which I'm very uncomfortable with. Not only am I angry with him for putting himself before his family I'm still recovering from the birth and from having my appendix removed 6wks ago.

why didn't you have this conversation with him before you got pregnant?

seriously, if you have always been ok with him basically carying on as if he was single, he has obviously assumed that you would carry on being so.

How much does he do with the baby? he should be doing his share (i.e. half) of everything (except feeding if you are bfing obviously)

Are you making him feel needed? you should include him in everything to do with the baby - from bathing to choosing buggies and every decision in between. It takes two parents to look after a baby, not a mum and some bloke who happens to be around sometimes but who really thinks he is a teenager.

there's not much you can do at this point except say that you feel the ground rules must change and see whether he wants to carry on on that basis.

good luck

What to do, is sit down with him and be very clear that Life Has Changed. He can't carry on behaving like a teenager, he has responsibilities to you and to the baby. You're not thinking of leaving him, I hope?

Hi there,

he does need persuasion to so things with the baby but is great with her when he does help out. He puts her to bed everynight and bathes her as I feel it is important for him to bond with her. I do involve him in every decision, even when I was pregnant. We wrote my birth plan together and decided on names and immunisations etc. I do my best to involve him in everything, but sometimes he needs reminding that she needs a feed, or needs a nappy change, or that he should really play with her instead of leaving her in her nest and watching TV!

I did try to discuss these things before the baby came along, even got his mum to speak to him too. She was convinced that once the baby came along that he wouldn't want to go out or do any of those things once the baby was born. He must have been in denial that our lives would change that much but he said that it wouldn't affect us. But I suppose I should have guessed it would happen when he wanted to go out drinking when I was 36wks pregnant!

He went out with his friends for New Years Eve and I didn't say anything as this has always been a big thing for his family, but then he wanted to go out again about 2wks later and I insisted he came home. It was a good job he did as I went into hospital that night with appendicitis!! He took a week off work to help out but I ended up doing alot myself as he spent most of the time on the computer.

I have sat down with him numerous times and explained things, so has my step-dad but he still insists that I'm in the wrong. He says that the only reason he does all he does is because he needs to be occupied, so I'm the one that needs to change. I have agreed to go somewhere at the weekends, and we're looking into councelling as I don't want to seem that I'm not compromising but the thing is he used to do all these things before the baby came along and we already did the going out thing then too! After this I really don't know what else to do. I don't want to split up the family, I love him and don't want to leave him, but I can't carry on like this. I have first hand experiance of parents that can't live together and it isn't a good situation for a child to be in the middle of. I'm just fed up of being put second, I just want a normal family life!!