I'm being quite scarily stalked and am not sure what to do in this situation?

[FreakyStalker]

Okay, early December I went out with a friend for a farewell party. She was moving back to Boulder after 7 years in London. Being free (haha) and single I flirted a little and one of her friends was keen but I gave him the brush off.

We shared a back taxi home (6 of us) and I got odd vibes from him so me and another friend asked to be dropped by the shops near my house rather than right outside. They were going on to another part of London.

I hoped that would be the last of it but he has obviously searched for me on (my inactive) facebook account and sent repeat requests.

Then last night as I was putting the children to bed. I answered the intercom to 'Hi is that x' I said yes and he said oh hi it's x from the party. I was seriously freaked out, and said oh I don't know you and hung up.

I've just been to the newsagent and the owner said 'oh your boyfriend was asking for you earlier, haha, he said he's forgotten your address'.

Not only am I pissed that a shop would give my address (well he didn't just told him which house I was in, so he bothered both neighbours too) but really stressed. I am alone with my small children, should I call community police team? What to do?

I've emailed my friend and she has given me his full name, but he was just a uni mate so she knows nothing more about him.

I would call the police. They can have a quiet word in his ear hopefully. If it persists you can have him charged under the harrassment act and get a restraining order. Harsh but he is being more than a little freaky.

I don't actually know anything about him, just his name and the ma course he did at uni.

My sort of DP is furious and wants to rip him a new one.

IIWY I would call the (non-urgent) police contact number and let them know - that way if it turns scarier there is something on record - and if he has a track record or anything like that they will know.

Probably/hopefully he will get the message - might also be a good idea to let friends know that you are not interested just in case he tries other routes to get email addresses/'phone numbers?

Agree - call the police - he has way overstepped the mark - try not to let this freak you out too much though.

That's seriously freaky behaviour. lol at 'rip him a new one'.

Another vote for contacting the police. Poor you, how scary!

This man is already calling you his girlfriend. He could well be a very dangerous individual and you need to protect yourself.

Ripping him a new one whilst understandable won't deter such people from bothering you further. This type of stalking behaviour often escalates over time; he has tricked the shopkeeper into giving him your address.

Stalking is taken far more seriously by the police these days, you need to talk to them asap.

I would call the police and explain exactly what you have said here.

They will log it as an incident though nothing has actually happened, it is still logged.

They will then advise you that if he comes around again you call 999 immediately

If he makes contact again state clearly "leave me alone, really I am not interested".

Can your sort-of-DP move in for a while? ANd then can he answer the intercom?

I would be as worried as you are and you could go and have a word with the local shop and tell them that you are not happy about this and they need to think a bit more "outside the box" next time somebody says they have forgotten an address.

Speak to the police. Use the local number obviously. It is harassment though and needs to be stamped on.

I had a v similar issue yrs ago, someone became a little bit enamoured and went to great lengths to find out my number and where I lived. (he called dd's school, told them I had hit his car but he had lost my contact details and would they help. )
The police were great though, spoke to him, gave him a harsh telling off and it seemed to nip it in the bud pretty much straight away.

This man is already calling himself a boyfriend. He could well be a very dangerous individual and you need to protect yourself.

Ripping him a new one whilst understandable won't deter such people from bothering you further. This type of stalking behaviour often escalates over time; he has tricked the shopkeeper into giving him your address.

Stalking is taken far more seriously by the police these days, you need to talk to them asap.family, helplines, counsellors, etc.

If you are being stalked or harassed

?Keep a diary of all incidents - dates, times, what occurred, any witnesses to what occurred etc.
?If you report any incidents to the Police, Council etc. keep dates, times, names of person you spoke to and what was said and what action you were told would be taken.
?If you are receiving silent, threatening phone calls contact BT Malicious Callers Bureau. Again, keep dates and times of calls.
?If you do receive malicious calls try not to react, place the phone off the receiver for a few minutes and then replace the receiver without saying anything. Dial 1471 to see if a number has been left. (Don't worry if number is withheld as BT/Police will be able to trace numbers.
?Report all malicious calls to the Police as they will work with BT to trace who is making these calls to you.
?If you are receiving malicious text messages always keep the text message and report this to the Police and your mobile phone network provider.
?If you are being stalked try to avoid going out alone and keep to busy public places.
?Get a personal alarm and carry that with you as well as a mobile phone.
?If you think you are being followed make for a shop to get help. If you are not near a shop then knock on a house and ask the householder to contact the Police.
?If you notice cars following you or outside your house then always take make, model and registration, date, time etc. and report this to the Police if you keep seeing the same car.
?Contact the local Police Crime Prevention Unit to check your house out to see whether there are ways in which it needs to be made safer - stronger locks, window locks, security lighting at back and front etc.
?It may help to contact helplines/counsellor to give you regular emotional support at this time unless you already have a good network around you of support.
?Try not to allow what is happening dominate your life and thoughts. Try and keep to your regular routine, try to do things you enjoy doing and spending time with friends.
?Don't allow the harassment, stalking, to make you think there is anything wrong with you. The person who is doing this to you is disturbed and can be doing it for all sorts of reasons, it could be jealousy, someone who you may have once known and broken contact with, ex lovers, someone who has become fixated with you - there can be many reasons - but remember the problem is with the person doing the stalking/harassment and not YOU.
back to top

Agencies and useful websites which provide support, advice, information
?SupportLine Telephone Helpline: 01708 765200, email [email protected] - Providing emotional support and details of counsellors, support groups and agencies throughout the UK

?Network for Surviving Stalking: www.nss.org.uk - Support and advice for anyone being stalked. No longer provides a direct personal support service for victims of stalking/harassment but useful information on website.

?The Suzy Lamplugh Trust: 020 7091 0014, email [email protected], www.suzylamplugh.org - To create a safer society and enable everyone to live safer lives. Working for the reduction, and fear of, crime against the person through campaigning for policy and legislative change, research, training, and advice

?Victim Supportline: 0845 30 30 900, www.victimsupport.org.uk - Helpline for anyone affected by crime

Useful websites
?www.harassment-law.co.uk

?www.legislation.hmso.gov.uk/acts/acts2003 - Put Harassment in search engine for relevant acts to be displayed

?www.met.police.uk - Click Victim & Witness Support, then click on Stalking & Harassment section

?www.stalkingvictims.com - American site containing information, support, forums for victims of stalking

?www.wiredsafety.org - Online safety, cyberstalking and harassment

?ww.womensaid.org.uk - Click Domestic Violence A-Z then go into Stalking section

Thanks you have been incredibly helpful. I can't describe how I just felt when I got back from the shop, shaking, really scared.

I am taking things very slowly with new DP he hasn't even met my DC so don't want him involved too much. He's just angry and worried. he'd never do anything, he's a sweet soul.

I think I'll try to get more info on him via facebook then call community police, who were fab when I had troubles with exH.

Thanks again. It's scary.

And I keep thinking why is he pursuing me of all people? Are there not more eager and available women to try to court - not to fucking look up and harrass!?

He could be a stalker type, but just as easily could be someone who doesn't understand social signals.

Recently, my brother went to a party (my DH was also there and confirms everything my DB says) and there was a female friend of DB and DH there. She was flirting with my brother a lot. My brother asked her to the cinema the following week - she tried to brush him off and he didn't understand why - he then wanted to give her a DVD etc and wanted to get to know her more - DH told him that he had received a brush off, but my DB had not interpreted it as such. Anyway DB hasn't pursued this woman any further as he accepts what DH said. Could the difference in this case be that your guy has noone to tell him he has been brushed off?

Point is, it would be so sad for this woman to report my DB to the police. Other point is that the guy is potentially a stalker so it could need to be addressed.

Just offering you an alternative POV, not sure of all your circumstances etc. In my case, I am fuming with my DH/DB's friend for flirting heavily with a lonely guy and then thinking of him as a stalker type when he responded.

Atilla do you have personal experience? You are a mine of fab information.

Thankyou

'someone who doesn't understand social signals'

My (early 20's) brother has Aspergers, my (5yo) DS has ASD. This is not about misreading signals.

Yes I am a flirtatious person but I clearly explained I wasn't interested that night we met.

Do I accept being scared in my own home on the (miniscule) chance that this man has such problems?

FreakyStalker - I will add that my brother has Aspergers and my 4yo has an ASD.

I am not suggesting that you accept being scared in your own home. All I wanted you to do was consider the posibility that you were reporting a bloke like my brother to the police. You have considered that, so report the guy to the police.

I agree with lolol that it can be a fine line - if he was someone you fancied you might have been flattered that he had gone to such lengths to track you down, iyswim.

But at the same time a close friend at uni was stalked by a classmate and I do understand how unpleasant it can be.

Is there any way of finding out from your friend if she knows someone who is in contact with him to send him the message that you are definitely not interested and his persistence is upsetting you? If he is just a socially awkward person then that should be enough to get him to back off....

Hi freaky,

Would not exactly call it stalking because all this took place within my work environment but in my 20s I was the subject of some unwanted attention from a customer. This had not happened to me before. I just didn't fancy him at all and it got to the point where I could not serve him in the banking hall; he soon got the message from my colleagues and backed off.

"He could be a stalker type, but just as easily could be someone who doesn't understand social signals"

Yes, and having aspergers around you, you know this is a possibility but aspergers or not, it doesn't matter. My ex has aspergers, I know that he is not bad within but as he doesn't read the signals, he doesn't realise how upsetting his behaviour is.

I tried every way to stop such behaviour, with no success. Then I called the police, and that has stopped him. He still claims he didn't do anything and is portraying himself as a victim of his "paranoid" ex but at least now, I'm not shaking as a leaf at the possibility of bumping with him, and I'm finally sleeping at night.

However, bear in mind that after you said you didn't know him, he may have already stopped without you knowing. So try not to worry much, if there is another incident, send the police on him.

Interesting ... I agree that the reason for over-persistence doesn't matter; it's still the same activity! Where it does make a difference is that someone with impaired social skills might need a hefty brush-off, whereas your pathological stalker will just keep on stalking .

I once had a temporary, non-serious (as I thought) boyfriend who waited outside my house for 5 hours while I was working late, then accused me of 'cheating on him' - which was alarming, as I hadn't told him where I lived! He didn't give up until I yelled "YOU'RE SCARING ME, GO AWAY!" loud enough to wake the neighbours (it was 3am.) When one of them leaned out the window to ask if she should call the police, he buggered off. For ever, thank goodness.

Hope yours is just a dickhead, too - rather than an insane dickhead ...

ANother vote for it not mattering whether he has some form of ASD or not - if he has a problem that doesn't entitle him to make it your problem.
If there is someone you know who is in contact with him, ask this person to tell him that he is not to contact you again as you do not want anything to do with him, end of. This should work on a man who is socially inept or indeed has ASD, it's a clear and unequivocal message. Though you should now write down everything he's said and done so far in case you need to refer to it.
If he tries to make contact again, tell him that you will call the police if he doesn't leave you alone as contact attempts after a clear message that you do not want contact are harassment and the sign of someone who is either malicious or deluded. That's when it's time to call the police.

Jesus nip this in the bud. I would call the police now, he knows where you live and is calling himself your bf

The police may have enough to find his address, or at least call the uni to get his date of birth which makes finding people easier, or least for the police.

Don't be too scared though. Sounds as if your flat is fairly well secure.

Please advise the police of everything you have said. It is so important there is a record of it right from the off. Met Police take any kind of stalking v seriously - I had some dealings with them when a close friend was being stalked by her Ex - and will deal appropriately with it. Sadly I cant say my experience of another police force has been anywhere near as positive but am hoping from you saying your friend was in London that you will be on Met Police patch...

and please dont concern yourself with this man's possible ASD - as SGB says, it doesnt matter. He has scared you, and in your own home which is where we should all feel safest. Do speak to the police, you will feel better and more empowered for doing so.

OP Hope you weren't too scared last night - as others have said ASD is not an excuse - and the police clearly telling him he is out of order and to back off may be whats required.