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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Here I am again

9 replies

PilgrimSoul · 16/02/2010 11:05

Long time lurker, very ocassional poster.

I was single a long time after my marriage ended, met a wonderful man...

Crazy about each other, but 2 years in, he has let me down and pulled away for the 3rd time.

He was very recently out of a long marriage, so gets panicky if I put any demands on the table.

I'm terrified to lose him, but this insecurity is so unhealthy for me. He wants time apart (again) to get his head together. I need virtual friends now...

OP posts:

Mongolia · 16/02/2010 11:11

Well, well. Take the break as an opportunity to evaluate the situation too:

Is this what you want?
Would you be happy to keep the status quo?
Do you need to see more commitment from him?
Can you live without it?

How recently did his marriage end? I know my new man has been enjoying his regained space for a few years now. I'm ok with it for the time being, but unbeknown to him he has a deadline, if he doesn't show more signs of commitment by then, I will call it off no matter how much I love him. Simply, I also have the right to have the relationship I want, if he can't provide it, I'm off to look somewhere else.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2010 11:17

What else have you got going on in your life? It;s a lousy idea to make your life All About The Relationship as that means making your happiness dependent on something you can't control - someone else's behaviour.
Having lots of friends, a hobby, a passion, a regular commitment to something, all help you remember that you are a person, you have a life, and it;s not just about what he wants - the decision about whether the relationship continues is up to you as well and if he's not making you happy, you have every right to bin him and move on.

Original poster

PilgrimSoul · 16/02/2010 11:20

Its such a relief to get a reply. I am going to use this time to figure out what I want, and to be honest with myself, because I haven't been so.

Is this what you want?
I can see that he was right to call for it, as we are at two very different places, and I have been surrendering my needs.

Would you be happy to keep the status quo?
Not in the medium term

Do you need to see more commitment from him?
Yes

Can you live without it?
Yes (I think so), but only in the short term.

We met when he was 3 months out of his marriage. Its a LDR which complicates things further.

OP posts:

Original poster

PilgrimSoul · 16/02/2010 11:24

Thats the thing SGB, I have a great life, which is why a semi-d relationship suited me for so long.

I am a single mum to 1, have a really fulfilling career, have lots a friends and close family, and a few hobbies/passions.

I want to want to carry on with the status quo, but a part of me I am finding hard to control is pushing him for more.

OP posts:

Mongolia · 16/02/2010 15:35

Set yourself a deadline. It does help, I think one of the things I have found more difficult was to deal with the uncertainity of it all. Now that I know that I'm not putting my life on hold until he pleases, things are more bearable. I feel more in control of the situation. And I know I wouldn't be wasting my life for years to come until he needs to settle down (or not).

I have read several times about some statistics showing that couples who don't settle down (either getting married or living together) within the first 2 years of the relationship, are unlikely to do. The more time it passes after the 2 years, the more unlikely it becomes.

So that is my deadline, 2 years and I move on, I'm not getting any younger and I also have a right to have the family life I dream of. Either with him, or with someone else.

I have a friend who was with his boyfriend for 12 years, they ended it, and within six months he had settled down and was living with a woman (and her child) who he just met months before. 10 years on they are still together, no matter how "unmarriable" the guy always appeared to be.

So take heart, perhaps the right person for you, is somewhere out there, and this current person is just the preparation for it.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2010 17:10

Why are you pushing for more (or at least wanting more) OP? Is it because you want DC with this man? Or is it just that you think relationships ought to involve exculsivity and shared living space?
Not everyone wants that level of commitment (it's my idea of hell, certainly), and not wanting it doesn't make him bad or wrong or in need of counselling.
However, it's not wrong to want an exclusive living-together/marrying relationship either, but it just might be the case that this man isn't offering it, so therefore you have to choose between having this commitment, and having a lighter and more casual relationship with this particular man.

Original poster

PilgrimSoul · 16/02/2010 21:15

A couple of things I am clear about is I don't want more DC, and I don't want a living in relationship.

We are not too far apart on that path, but yes, SGB I do have a notion that relationships ought to evolve to this, as thats the only kind I have ever known really, or have around me.

He is offering exclusivity, love, affection, great sex, shared passions. He is not offering me as much time as I want, or any assurances that he won't jump ship again.

OP posts:

sparkybint · 16/02/2010 22:56

After my last relationship with a man who wanted to move in with me after knowing me a month spectacularly imploded, I've started to reason with myself about what I actually want. I always thought relationships had to lead somewhere too, that without "commitment" a man didn't really love me, but I'm beginning to realise that I really don't want to live with anyone ever again and I've been married once and that's enough. Like you OP I have a wonderful child, my own home, friends, interests etc and don't need a man's money because I've made my own thank you.

I do want fidelity though and commitment in the sense that he sees a future with me. I've been in an LDR too and found it very hard - is this not the main problem you have with him? How often do you see eachother? Is he not making enough effort to see you? The problem with an LDR is the constraints in terms of time spent together and it's so hard to be spontaneous. Wouldn't you rather have a local man who you can see a lot of but who keeps his own place? That's what I'd like. As for assurances about him not jumping ship, you're not going to get them. But you could show him that you're not going to put up with it anymore by just totally backing off. Bloody hard I know. But if you don't want to live with him and don't want his kids and all you want is more time with him, then you should simply tell him. Or maybe you already have and if that made him bail out, I don't think you should bother with him.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2010 23:11

I don't think anyone can expect any absolute guarantees from anyone else. People change their minds, get sick, even die - nothing is guaranteed. Maybe his refusal to assure you that he won't jump ship is more down to his believing that the future is impossible to foretell than him wanting to keep his options open.
It sounds as though you could be looking for trouble when there isn't any trouble around: not that your feelings aren't valid, but they might bear examining closely, sometimes something's working just fine as it is, it suits you and it would be a pity to mess it up because it doesn't appear to be following the same script as other people's relationships.

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