Unexpectedly I've become the main earner - partner's sense of self-worth turned upside down

[Lexilicious]

Sorry for rather cod-psychology title. Wanted to capture the issue in one, and without genderising.

This time last year we both were in employment which (in financial and non-financial terms) ended up being roughly equal. I'm public sector, he's private sector. We had lots of discussion about how we'd juggle work when our baby was born (last summer) and talked with friends (both dads and mums) who have gone to 3 or 4 day working weeks and value the 'extra' day with their children far more than the difference in salary. DH works contracts via a consulting company umbrella and when I'd suggest that for future contracts he ask for flexible working or a four day week he seemed to be convinced that it was career suicide to ask for such a thing. Quote "your public sector mindset just won't work with these companies" - all companies.

In the end his company are making him redundant because there aren't enough contracts full stop, never mind less-than-full-time work. Now, I've never been made redundant but I have been declined for jobs and while it's not remotely the same, I don't underestimate the feeling of rejection. Our savings+income-outgoings have about 6 months until the line is crossed into the negative. Baby is in nursery four days a week which leaves DH free to finish the redecoration on our investment flat which will boost the income side of the equation.

I am well aware that we are very very fortunate in so many ways and neither of us is complaining at all - it is just the psychology of me being suddenly the main earner which has sent us both off balance. I don't have an adequate picture of what he does at home during the day while I am at work. I hate that I come home and the first things I notice are the priorities I would have had (like a clean kitchen) rather than the priorities he has fulfilled (like getting us onto a better electricity tariff).

I would just like some strategies for constructive coupley working this through. How to set family priorities for domestic admin, home improvements, cleaning, cooking, getting the baby's stuff ready for the following day, timescales for the redecoration of the flat and our own home, getting him a job (any job or The Job?) and how realistic it is to ask for flexible working from the off in the private sector.

Any ideas? I am really if any of the above seems unreasonable as I know we are in many ways very very very fortunate. Please believe I appreciate how lucky we are. This is purely about our relationship and understanding each other - and that bit about the flexible working.

Does nursery cost you? You could always reduce the days or cut that out all together so that he is fulfilling the parenting role at home.

Other than that I'm really sorry I don't have anything more useful to add! I can imagine it is really hard.

oh yeah, nursery costs. But finances aren't the problem. Adjusting to his daily output being non-salary-earning is the problem.

Actually I have just had an idea. If we were both in jobs we would have to pay someone to do that kitchen-fitting, decorating etc. If I work out how much that would cost maybe I can show him the value of his time doing it. Same with the housework I suppose.

If we reduced days at the nursery now, we would have to go on a waiting list to move back up to four days or full time, so at the point where he gets a job again we would have no childcare cover (no family close enough) unless I did something drastic with my working pattern as well. Which would just put us on a seesaw of who's the main earner.

I think the priorities in this case are getting a job (any job in this climate, and ft will be much easier - people would advertise a job as pt if that is what they wanted), then sorting out your investment flat. If DH and I were in this situation (and we did have 6 months when I was the income and he was unemployed, but pre DS), then he would be putting in a 9-5 day doing those two things, to give getting a new job and getting more money in the maximum chance.

If he is doing that, then all other domestic stuff would be split as though he was working still.

That is a good idea Lexie, a friend did something similar when they were doing up their house. Depsite not working her husband seemed a little reluctant, so she worked out the cost of all the work that needed doing and showed him how much he would be saving the family. This definitely gave him a sense of worth and contribution. (This later ended up in her parents giving them some money to finish it off as he was STILL slow...which he then paid himself to do it!)

You've already had the idea I was going to suggest

He was right, you know, flexi-time is viewed as the invention of Baal in the private sector. When job-shares do happen, they tend to be engineered by the sharers & then presented to management with veiled threats of legal action (which is why most job-shares are done by mothers). Stupid & annoying but true.

As you have an investment flat and a home which both need stuff doing, it makes perfect sense to firm all that up into a job - as you have said. With the 'undone' household tasks, I get the idea this situation is going to help you both realise what needs to be done! Switching the utilities, fixing the computer and installing a new shower/whatever are all extremely worthwhile - and cost more than cleaning, if done by a 3rd party. So you could justify getting in a cleaner ...

I feel your pain. DH has been between contracts for 12 weeks, hopefully starting again tomorrow, hurrah.

I get tremendously wound up by the fact that a) he has put DS at the CMs every single blinkin day of that time, oh apart from this afternoon because I nagged him

b) I would come home and DS would be having a ready meal in front of the TV and our dinner wouldn't be cooked. DS is a fussy eater and we have had hundreds of conversations around the importance of family meals, which are pretty much impossible when we are both at work, but very much achievable when one of us not.

c) Strange "non" jobs are achieved such as complete rebuild of PC, sudden interest in a buy to let property investment and a complete new kitchen/ dining room, but fundamentals like having shopping in or hanging up washing are sporadic

In his own mind DH is very busy all day long, in fact so busy that when I come home after a crap day at work with my evil boss he lists everything he has done and expects a gold star, despite the fact that DS has been at the CMs all day and I have been at work. Amazing how I manage to cope with all the admin in my one day off a week whilst looking after DS.

Anyway sorry for my mini rant, its all coming to an end tomorrow thank goodness. Short answer is that he should get a job asap.

hm yes I am trying not to be narkymummy when I get home, or at weekends.

But on Saturday I did three loads of washing, made a baked potato and salad lunch, wrote cheques for some bills, bf'd and nappychanged the baby a few times, and hoovered the downstairs. He fixed three sets of coat hooks to the wall near the front door and changed the settings on windows media player to record programmes to a different hard drive.

Anyway, I am descending into comparitive parenting here, which is not going to help the sense of self-worth! thank you for the comments so far, bumping for some more ideas from the evening shift?

bump?

Umm, have you actually sat down together with the box file & calculator, and written these exhaustive task agendas? Or are you hiding on the landing, slowly steaming off the wallpaper with your frustration ... ?

suggested it this evening and he didn't look impressed with quantifying the development/decorating and household work value. Have just had a bit of a dingdong actually, as he left at 0630 this morning to be there for the electrician and got back via Tesco at 2030. With mostly the right stuff but only half the sugar I need for the baking I'm doing on Friday for the NCT reunion we're hosting on Sunday. And I asked if he could either do early starts or late finishes because it is somewhat tiring doing all the baby food prep, changes etc in the morning and then a whole day of work (office job but still tiring) and then all the bath and bed routine and cooking his dinner and putting away all the shopping that was dumped in the kitchen so that he could read Car magazine and pretend to fall asleep on the sofa.

Ohhhh dear
The poor bunny's ego has been well and truly bumped, hasn't it? Needs his Important Man hat to make him feel better. Poor you, Lexi!

Go and put your feet up, I'll pour you a drink and cut you a slice of cake. Actually I've just made a rice pudding, would you like some?

I hope gentle persistence works for you! If not, you could try more brutal strategies such as becoming Too Ill To Do Anything (or going to your Mum's for a few days) so he finds out what there is to do around the house. Or hire a cleaner, handymen & babysitters, paying them all out of his pocket money ... For your sanity, keep applying light pressure to the costing idea. It's a good one. He might even end up with a new career as a multi-millionaire property developer

Cake, then? Or pudding?

cake please.