Some background: Dh and I are normally very happy but we hve a complex life- 2 disabled children, live hundredds of miles from any family because of dh's work, there's no way we can go back.
I can't work as the children's needs are incompatible with childcare- one needs constant 1-1. DH loves what he does, but I am very aware his long term chances of the biggest success are reduced by having us: most people in his industry travel away a lot and I am not certain I could cope with the children's needs alone. In fact, I desperately need to get out today but cannot as it is impossible to take all out at once. I feel like I am denying him a chance, although I have had to give up a promising career I enjoyed very much to care for the children, and of course we have the resultant very low income.
DH has a hobby he loves and shares with the least severe children, however the youngest cannot participate as it would be a danger so I do the childcare for that; I would dearly love to be involved as I used to, but whilst dh's skills are an essential part of the team, I have no specific skills so it's him, or him and me, but not just me IYSWIM.
As a result, the only adult company I ever get unless we drive down to family is DH and I do nthing all day every day except the children. I get two morning's respite a week (paid for by us, Social Services not interested) but that may end in September due to finances.
Yesterday, twice I was talking and DH just started talking over the top of me,and when queationed why said it was becuase I was boring . I tackled him a bit later and he said because our sex life is reduced and I have nothing else to talk about he is doubting 'us'. Our sex life is only reduced because between the hours of 6am and midnight there is always a waking child needing attention. I often try and make time, but it just doesn't happen. I feel that as much as him. In past years we have ben able to get away for a night or so in the year, but not any more as the person who used to care for the children has an ill son in law and other responsibilities, which is fair enough.
I am just feeling really hurt and tearful today. I'm not superwoman, I can't exist forever at maximum sexiness and cheerfulness on three hours sleep and if I am going to be interesting I would need access to friends and a life. I lost the network I had when schools changed,and I won't be able to make any more at the school because of the way things are.
He's due back from work at 1, and I need to talk to him. the only other time he has been so rude and hurtful was when we went out last year, I was driving and he'd had a few and suddenly he turned around and accused me of limiting his career chances and that he would leave if I didn't find a solution. I tried to raise it since but he says he can't remember it and denies thinking like that. It hurt deeply at the time,though.
I feel that I am being set impossible targets- I could be involved in our hobby if I really wanted (but he can't tell me how bar talk to your aorents, but they already said no it as a regular thing and it's all or nothing to be on the team). He says I don't wamt sex but can'ttellme when it is possible. Whenever we get a chance we do take it, it's not as if I am completely disinterested.
If it were for a few years I think it would be OK, a bit easier, but the local support services have pulled help at adulthood for the disorder that the most severely affected child has, so there is a big sense of this is forever.
I do a class once a week but it isn't anything really going to make me interesting. I can't really take anything else on as Iam committed with the children on a Saturday and dh is committed with them on a Sunday.
I did think I found a job a few hours a week, but by earning £100 I would lose somuch in Carer's Allowance I couldn't manage the petrol anyway. I was getting quite excited so that knocked me a lot, and was only last week.
I know some will recognise me (though have changed a few non essential details), please don't out me as talking about my DH negatively is normally against my rules. I do love him, but ATM I feel so hurt by what he said.
He is a good man generally- this is tough on him too.I have tried to minimise inpact on him for a variety of valid reasons to do with his past health, but can only do it so he gets time, not us together. In all truth whilst I love my children, and most of the time am happy, there are days with no sleep and the rest where it does feel like a waking death, we have access to a family counsellor for the children who describes as 'iving life in a vacuum.