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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anything work in this situation ?

18 replies

feelingit · 16/02/2010 09:58

H and I going to counseling (he left me 4 months ago)but its not going anywhere. I am pretty much convinced he is back with OW (not basing this on anything factual - just a feeling) and this is why he is not making any effort and sabotaging any progress but I want to get it from the horses mouth (He says the reason why we are not getting anywhere is just that we are not compatible but he is not even trying to get to the bottom of things IMO). I know how much men in his situation lie and he is now in a place where he is used to lying, has his own flat, can come and go as he pleases yet claimed he 'did the right thing' just after Christmas and finished things with her in order for us to work on things...I have not overly hassled him about her as (wrongly I now suspect) I thought I would take him at his word that he was doing the right thing and should respect that. I am going to have one final confrontation with him this week to try and get the truth out of him. I have planned the 'This won't affect your relationship with the kids', 'can you swear on their lives that you are not with her' and 'Ironically it would help me move on if you were just 100% honest with me and told me you were with her' etc lines but I am just looking for that 'something' I can say that will make him crumble and tell me.

I am past the stage where I can snoop as we have separate lives so I am looking for a way to appeal to his decent side (if there is still one) to get him to admit it. Has ANYTHING worked for you in this situation or IYO have I got no hope of him admitting anything ? btw I know what I actually need to do is stop obsessiing and walk away - which is what I plan to do after this week if I don't get anywhere.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/02/2010 10:04

I have read all your post.

However, the only part that makes any sense for you is the last sentence.

He doesn't want to work things out. He has moved on, with or without OW (although I suspect with)

although you say it ill allow you to move on if you knew the truth, you are relying on his integrity to help you do that

don't rely on him...rely on you

I would stop the counselling, tbh

it isn't helping...he isn't engaging

to make a trite remark...he is no longer into you

accept that and move on to a strictly-business co-parent relationship

ItsGraceAgain · 16/02/2010 10:09

I'm afraid your last sentence is the answer. You're not willing to believe what he says now, and the counselling isn't working for you, so really you're just looking for a reason/excuse to call time, aren't you? Still, you will find it easier to feel "finished" if you get a definite Yes about the OW - so I'm wishing you luck on that!

Original poster

feelingit · 16/02/2010 10:10

AF - Your posts are to the point and don't make easy reading but they always make sense. I have to snap out of it and it's hearing common sense advice like that that will make me rather than getting buried in the depths of all the sh*t that he has created.thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelingit · 16/02/2010 10:23

btw - Grace I am indeed just looking to be 'finished' and also to make him squirm and let him know that I am not just letting this go without confronting him once last time as I have felt like I have not been 'allowed' to.. and also that I am not being made a mug of if he starts parading her around in a few months time once the dust has settled. I suppose it's just that I have not asked him so I don't to walk away and make it so easy for him. I am under no illusion - I am accepting now that we are over and that there is no way back for us - it would more about closure and for me to get it off my chest and feel better rather than expecting him to be be honest - if it makes me feel better regardless of whether I get an honest answer then is it necessarily wrong ?

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FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 16/02/2010 10:35

It seems to me you want to give him what for foe cheating and why the hell not?

I would cancel counselling.

Be very cool with him, act like you don't care and just tell yourself he has gone and get on with your life with your kids and he is just someone who is the father of your kids.

Whether he is with the OW or not is almost irrelevant as he doesn't want to be with you. His loss.

ItsGraceAgain · 16/02/2010 10:36

No, I didn't mean to imply that was 'wrong' and I'm sorry if it read that way. I was typing at the same time as AF - had I seen her post first, I wouldn't have done mine.

Original poster

feelingit · 16/02/2010 10:43

Grace - No it didn't read as if you were implying it was wrong - I was asking myself out loud if it was that's all . I am constantly questioning myself and everything that I do as the whole thing is so f*cked. However I do feel as if I am starting to get some clarity and accepting that it's over. I think i would have done before now but the fact that I am pregnant is clouding everything more than it would do normally. In answering my own question - if we had no DCs or even just one would I have let it drag on this long ? No. Its just taken me a little longer to accept.I will go to one last counseling session this week and in that I have decided I will tell him I don't want to continue with it any longer.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 16/02/2010 10:52

Phew! Thanks
Good for you! I'm sorry it's come to this, especially while everything's so difficult, but am fairly sure you'll feel a whole lot better once you've made your stand. You've been doing it on your own for 4 months already, so hopefully have all your support systems in place.

It sounds like you need to boost up your confidence (separation does knock it back, even when you know you're doing the right thing). Can you get a friend to work through a self-help book with you? Or do it on here? Or - well, maybe all you need is to take charge of your life - which you're about to do - and buy yourself a new outfit

Original poster

feelingit · 16/02/2010 11:01

thanks Grace yes I am seeing a counselor on my own and we are starting to look at self esteem - co-dependancy stuff so I do feel as if that will be a major key to recovery. I do also agree with you and think that once I take control, the obsessing will hopefully subside and the sooner I can start seeing him as 'just someone who is the father of my kids' and stop feeling so gutted for them and rejected by him the better - I can feel it coming - it's just taken me a while to get there.

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SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2010 11:07

FeelingIt: Glad you are moving on. Basically, this isn't your fault and there was nothing you did or did not do that would have made it turn out any differently.
THis man simply doesn't want to be your partner any more, and though he has been cowardly, selfish, lazy and unkind about the business of separating from you (presumably wanting you both as a back up in case OW dumps him and as a source of hot meals etc), a person has a fundamental right to leave a relationship. You can't make him stay and trying hurts you more than anyone else.
Very best of luck with moving forward.

purpleduck · 16/02/2010 11:08

"and also that I am not being made a mug of"

Nobody can "make a mug of you" if you exit the situation with all your dignity intact.

Stop the counselling now

Do not make him swear on your children

Do not have "one final confrontation" - what good will that do? You will only look needy.

It doesn't matter any more if what he's done/doing is right or wrong - if he's lying or not. What matters now is you cultivating your strength. Getting sucked back into all the sh*t won't help that.
Sometimes you just need to walk away with your head held high.

good luck

mrsboogie · 16/02/2010 11:23

agree with purpleduck (and everyone else)

why bother with the confrontation either he will lie and you will know it or he will eventually tell the truth and you will end up yelling and blubbering and regretting it afterwards.

There's no point in getting him to admit to lying or acknowledging what he has done to you - if he cared he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

How much more empowering to simply call him up and annnounce that you are throwing in the towel? Tell him the counselling isn't working and that you are now ready to move on with your life.

Turn the tables on him. He is keeping you dangling either in case things with her don't work out or because it assuages his guilt to do this counselling "for you".

Drop him like the useless sod he is. You will get so much more satisfaction from that than from ome humiliating encounter where you force him to swear on the children's lives

Original poster

feelingit · 16/02/2010 11:34

ok ok - thank goodness you all talk sense. I guess thats probably subconsciously why I posted on here rather than to actually get some suggestions of questions to get the truth out of him - it was to get some good sense talked into me as I know what you say is true - I empower him more by asking him and he has had all the power so far (and making him swear on lives - ok I know it's wrong and I didn't want to do it anyway). I guess also I didn't want to be the one to walk away from it as he could then tell everyone I was the one I gave up but I have to look at the bigger picture and focus on me and my family. He will always have to live with what he has done anyway regardless of what he tells other people and I guess that's enough for me. He will be at the house tonight when I get back as picks DD up on a Tuesday so maybe tonight is the night I should bite the bullet

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chippychippybangbang · 16/02/2010 12:02

Feelingit, listen to what everyone is saying. I eventually got an admission out of my H about one tiny detail about OW, it took me asking the same question probably over 50 times over a period of weeks before he gave me the truth. I decided at that point there was no point having any expectation of any more honesty and left it.

I know how difficult it is (have had a distressing conversation with H just this morning)but it's futile. If he does give you the truth it will probably be incredibly upsetting, and create more questions for you than answers but either way you deserve much better than this man.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/02/2010 13:26

Feelingit, I don't know if you saw my reply to your thread a few weeks ago, in which you were describing a very unhelpful Relate counsellor who was urging you not to ask questions about your H's infidelity, or the OW.

I suspect this experience has made recovery worse for you - and I'm glad you are having counselling on your own. Hopefully, this counsellor is allowing you to trust your memory a bit better - and is allowing you to talk about anything you want to.

WRT your H, the best advice, as in so many life situations, is to take control. Tell him that you are moving on without him and that you have concluded the marriage is over. You don't have to pretend that doesn't sadden you, you don't have to lie at all.

FWIW, it sounds to me as though his relationship with OW is still going on and because it hasn't run its course yet [if it ever does) any attempts he makes to try again with you are going to be doomed to failure. Since he also works with her, his addiction to her is constantly being fed - and so it's not going to work with you at this time.

This is so hard for you being pregnant I know, but for now, it will make you feel better if you start being the one making decisions.

Original poster

feelingit · 16/02/2010 14:56

Hi wwifn Yes I did and I agree. It was partly that that made me realise I can't not confront this anymore.. but I now think I have gone one step further and am just going to end it. I think I am going to do this in the last session rather than do this in the ex family home tonight. I want to play it cool and as one poster suggested and just tell him I am moving on but I want to give him a few home truths too - I will try and do this calmly and give them as reasons for me not wanting to continue anymore - not believing him about OW - him showing no remorse, him turning into his Dad who he has never had any respect for and me not wanting him to tell himself that this was a joint decision (as he has been telling people) and ultimately that it's his loss. Maybe I would retain my dignity by walking away saying none of that, but I just want to let him know what I think of him before I close the door....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/02/2010 15:19

all the best to you, FI x

mrsboogie · 16/02/2010 15:42

you are right, it doesn't matter what he thinks anymore. I didn't realise you were pregnant. What a sh*t he is. He is cheating on, and lying to, his kids as well. He just doesn't deserve you.

good luck xx

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