DH and I are heading for disaster over how we handle 13yo DD1

[pellegrino]

DD1 is nearly 13, and since the autumn has become quite confrontational. DH blames it on her new school and new friends, some of whom are rather overindulged and under-supervised. I don't particularly like this group of friends either, but we can't tell her who to be friends with, so we have little choice but to ride it out and hope it's just a phase. DH has not the first clue how to deal with her and bangs on (and on and on) about respect and obedience, has huge rows with her, loses control and when he has had enough sends her to her room (often manhandling her out). Needless to say DD has very little respect left for him and is, I think, rather sad to be losing the previously excellent relationship she had with her Dad (as is he, to be losing his little girl).

He thinks my way of dealing with her - listening to her point of view and negotiating - makes me a soft touch and she is taking me for a ride.

After DD-DH conflict, DH and I often argue too because I cannot stand by and let him treat her so badly and worsen an already bad situation. Recently he very childishly said he would stop getting involved. And to a certain extent he has - he has all but withdrawn from all issues that involve growing up (make up, friends, going out etc). He won't argue or defend his point of view, he just disappears to sulk when any conflict arises. As a result he is withdrawing from me too, as if DD and I are somehow in collusion. I know we need to talk but every time I try to discuss the situation it turns into a row because he will not change his approach and I cannot agree with the way he is doing things so it turns into a "I'm right and you're wrong" kind of argument.

What can I do to repair the damage? It's not going to get any easier either as we have a younger DD too so there is potential for more...

forgive the unhelpful platitude but it is such a difficult age, I think mine all started at about 11ish and it just went on and on

found that book 'get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town' incredibly helpful when it came to understanding what is going on in the teenage brain, it's not the most practical how-to sort of book but it does provide a really useful context to view these behavioural changes within

YES YES YES that book is fab I have nearly finished it.

I am now nearly perfect as a mother (I wish)

BUT it helps take the stress out of teenage behaviour. I am trying some of the approches and fingers crossed, so far so good

also, at very least, it will make you LAUGH

especially the 'this conversation has never happened, anywhere' bit

Buy it and read it together in bed, all cosy

I am so going to buy that book.

Tough one.
Firstly- your man was there before DD!- concentrate on him for a bit and let your DD see that she isnt primo. girls this age are so egocentric and selfish. Men are similar
-Dont argue with DH in front of DD ever- its not good for any of you- and particularly lowering for him. Its easy for men to get that left out feeling when their children are growing girls- the female talk can be embarrassing or seem inappropriate for him to participate.

• Make a list of firm ground rules that cant be twisted- and stick to them. Negotiations in grey areas should take place after you have had a chance to check your opinion with DH- to make him feel included. If he doesnt agree then your DD must accept it.

Kids often play parents off against each other- using the softy shamelessly.Dont let either of them make you the soft place between 2 rocks. With another DD looking on avidly- be very sure of your policies. Kids can spot inconsistencies from space! Above all- take control of the situation now and announce a change in the order of things because YOURE unhappy with how THEYRE behaving. You get to be as dictatorial as you like really- youre the parent. If you dont like the friends there is no reason you have to encourage the relationships. I have similar reservations about my DD's friends but got around the problem by seeing to it that she has very little free time to spend with them. When your DD gets a little older you can ask her to talk to you about her choices- but for now I feel she just needs to be told what is what, kindly but firmly. Any histrionics should have consequences. Dont let your child run your lives. The friction and tension will only serve to make her more nervous and difficult and she will blame you for it. I have 4 teenagers, am still married(just) and only a little insane. It will get easier! Good luck

The MOST frustrating thing is although he accepts that his mother was anything but good role models (controlling in the extreme, mother, backseat father) he flatly refuses to read anything that might help him be a better parent.

I have got a book called "Teenagers!" which is good and I will buy the one you suggest anyway, read it in bed, even quote bits at him, but he's a stubborn so-and-so...

Difficult not to argue in front of DD as he sometimes gets it so spectacularly wrong that I cannot sit there and listen to him calling her names and telling her idiotic things to get her to behave as he wants.

Fortunately she doesn't spend much out-of-school time with her friends as they all live quite a long distance apart but now it's the holidays there are requests for sleepovers (at our house - better than at theirs where there is mininal supervision) which DH would never agree to.

What extremely authoritarian advice, nowun. Very glad you weren't my mum.

Boundaries obviously need to be drawn, but there's no need to be controlling and manipulative with it! Stooping to the teen level of interaction is not the best way to deal with them, IMO.

I think nowun's advice was spot on. Teens can be extremely manipulative given half the chance and I was in the same position as Pellegrino with a VERY awkward teenage girl and another one following on closely behind.

I could not afford to give DD1 an inch... or she took a mile and a half. I felt I was always fair, but I set rules and I stuck to them. Yes, yes... of course, occasionally if she proved to me she could be trusted, I bent a little but I knew (from her forceful character) that if I had given in to her time and time again, she would have walked all over me and DH.

My DH could NOT handle this at the time... he just retreated. He was totally unable to deal with teenage girls and their tantrums so I became the authoritarian with him on the sidelines. There is nothing wrong with that really. Yes, they would go to their Dad and try and get the rules bent, but it was more than his life was worth to go against the ground rules I had set. If he did (and he did give in from time to time) ... it all went tits up and created a worse problem in the long run. Some DHs just don't find it easy to deal with teenagers (especially girls) and I think we have to accept that and deal with family life accordingly.

FWIW they are older now and it has all paid off. Yes.. we still have run-ins. Yes... they can be obnoxious at times. But they have come through all of this with clear values, a good work ethic and are a total delight. Most of the time I look back and am so glad I stuck to my guns with what I felt was right.

I could have completely written your posts, Pellegrino. I can't really offer any advice as I've yet to find a solution. Just wanted to give you a hug as you're not alone going through this.

Another who thinks nowun's advice was excellent and of course not authoritarian at all!

Another vote for what nowun said.