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Original poster

Marriage - does everybody lose the magic?

35 replies

dejags · 18/06/2003 19:54

Hi I am not new to the boards, but don't usually post... as I don't often have better advice than the regular posters give. I generally just lurk and think to myself "wow that could be me".

To sum up my situation - I have been married for 5 years with one DS and my marriage has just developed into (looking for a better word) - well nothingness. We eat, sleep work and discuss DS, beyond that we have an ok social life - mostly we socialise on our own. This spectacular indifference is now starting to really bother me - I can't decide if this is the way all marriages go and that I will have to just get over myself and accept my lot or whether my marriage is lacking something that will never return and I need to start thinking about more drastic measures.

To those of you in long term partnerships - how are things for you? Am I being unrealistic to expect some spark?

Where oh where did that magic go?

OP posts:
Original poster
dejags · 13/08/2003 21:56

Thanks for your replies and sorry for moaning and going on like a stuck record.

Rhubarb - thanks for the advice and I like the man or mouse bit. Like you I suffered PND when DS was born and the old sex life has just gone downhill from there. It was ok until DS was about a year old and then all the wheels fell off - I don't know if this coincides with me going on AD's. If it does then I am stuck in a vicious circle. The major symptom of my post-natal depression was insomnia, sadly when I can't sleep I become a horrible monster and the anti-depressants really help with this. I really don't want to come off them yet because I can't face going back down that awful road of no sleep, feeling terrible and taking it out on everybody around me.

I have asked DH for his support and offered to see the GP but his standard reply is "well you have rejected me for more than six months so why should I do anything for you. I have repeatedly nagged him (almost to the point of begging ) to discuss this but he maintains that he has tried for six months and because I "shut him out" that he has given up.

It's really great to get this off my chest here. I really feel like a mouse on a treadmill - getting nowhere fast and to have a release for my frustration is good !

Thanks all

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 13/08/2003 22:02

Ok, well then go back to your GP and ask if there is a different type of AD you can try. Also, still ask for that referral to the CPN. Even if he doesn't stick around, you need to get your depression sorted out. Have a look at this website too, it has stuff on it about PND and the various treatments available, including self-help remedies.

You can't make him stay, but maybe if you show him just how determined you are to get on top of the problem he will have second thoughts. Maybe he really does think that you don't love him anymore? You both need to open up to each other. Ask him (Aloha's tip this one) what little things you can do to make him feel loved. Ask him how he feels right now, what is going on inside his head. Don't argue with his answers or feel you need to defend yourself. Just listen to him. If he feels that you are listening to him at least, that will go a long way to helping him. He will be more open to listening to you too. Just accept what he says for now, don't try to change his mind or dissuade him. Actions speak louder than words sometimes, and for your own sake you need to get back to that GP and see what else there is for you.

aloha · 13/08/2003 23:15

Dejags, if you are on anti-depressants then there is a very good, medical reasons why you have no libido - it is an incredibly common side effect. Everyone on antidepressants should be given information about it but it seems few are. Can you explain to your dh that you aren't rejecting him but that your medication has destroyed your libido. He maybe feels very lonely and depressed himself about what he sees as you rejection of him, but of course, it really is the fault of the medication. Go back to your gp and be honest. Tell him your lack of libido is wrecking your marriage. I feel very sad about your story. You've had a lot to contend with, haven't you?

aloha · 13/08/2003 23:21

Dejags, if you are on anti-depressants then there is a very good, medical reasons why you have no libido - it is an incredibly common side effect. Everyone on antidepressants should be given information about it but it seems few are. Can you explain to your dh that you aren't rejecting him but that your medication has destroyed your libido. He maybe feels very lonely and depressed himself about what he sees as you rejection of him, but of course, it really is the fault of the medication. Go back to your gp and be honest. Tell him your lack of libido is wrecking your marriage. I feel very sad about your story. You've had a lot to contend with, haven't you?

aloha · 13/08/2003 23:21

Dejags, if you are on anti-depressants then there is a very good, medical reasons why you have no libido - it is an incredibly common side effect. Everyone on antidepressants should be given information about it but it seems few are. Can you explain to your dh that you aren't rejecting him but that your medication has destroyed your libido. He maybe feels very lonely and depressed himself about what he sees as you rejection of him, but of course, it really is the fault of the medication. Go back to your gp and be honest. Tell him your lack of libido is wrecking your marriage. I feel very sad about your story. You've had a lot to contend with, haven't you?

aloha · 13/08/2003 23:24

I don't know why that happened! Sorry. Around 1/3 of women lose their sex drive while taking ssris. They can make it impossible for you to reach orgasm. Your dr may be able to reduce your dose or change your ad prescription. Ginseng is said to help give your libido a boost. If your dh needs convincing of this then I can find references on the net for you and post it for him to read. He's got to realise that your lack of lust isn't personal, it's medical!

SimonHoward · 21/08/2003 16:52

dejags

Wish I could offer words of wisdom but my situation with my wife is worse than yours (but for other reasons).

Hope you can sort things out though.

Original poster
dejags · 16/09/2003 11:32

Just a quick follow up to this. The good news is that I have come to terms with the fact that mine and DH's sex life is dismal , even better news is that I have had a bit of time to think about this (family holiday and since) and have decided that by making this the be all and end all of our relationship I was dooming us to many years of a sexless and very unhappy marriage.

I have done my level best to concentrate on what is good in our relationship - we have a beautiful DS, our own home, good jobs and of course each other. This has had a remarkable effect on both of us - I look forward to seeing DH at the end of the day and he has reverted to doing spontaineous (sp?) things like bringing me a huge bunch of flowers home and saying that they are from DS to tell me how much he loves me...

Ok so things aren't 100% rosy and we have other issues which we are making life difficult (see thread on how to deal with very ill MIL), but I really feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Most importantly we have made sure we spend time together concentrating on being friends and it seems (hold thumbs) that the rest might just fall into place.

On the PND/AD front I have started reducing the dose (on the advice of my doctor) and hope to be comepletely off them within the next 8 weeks... will keep you posted.

Thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:
Twinkie · 16/09/2003 11:38

Message withdrawn

wiltshire · 16/09/2003 19:01

I am really glad things have turned out ok for you. I just wanted to add that you don't lose the magic, you just suss out how it is done.

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