not invited to my best friend's wedding cos groom doesn't like me

[Mamadragon]

Hello everyone, I'd appreciate your advice.

I'm worried about my best friend, who's been through hell and had to cut off contact with most of her family and friends.

I'm the closest to her, however, I've just received a very sad letter from her informing me, that despite her efforts to reach a compromise, her husband-to-be decided he'd feel too uncomfortable, if I was at the wedding. In other words, I've been uninvited.

I don't know how to respond to this, I don't want to lose her as a friend, because I'm worried that her partner is a manipulator, and that she'll need her one reliable friend in the future.

Any suggestions?

how awful

how sad for you, but mostly for her

did she give you any cues of how she wants your friendship to be in the future?

I would tell her how sorry you are, but then get over it and remain available for her in the future

it is likely she will need you sometime soon

I would reply that you have received her letter and while you accept her decision you are disappointed but hope you have a lovely wedding day.

Not much you can do really. Just write back and say how sad that makes you feel but hope she has a wonderful wedding. Sounds sinister though. Who will be there - his friends and family only

Has she had to cut off contact with family and friends because of this man ?

I'd write back and make sure she knows that you love her very much, will be v sad to miss the wedding, but would like to see her soon to catch up and be able to give her a wedding gift. Make sure she knows you will always be there for her, whatever happens, anytime sort of thing

Her being cut off from family and friends was an unrelated issue.

But I guess he must have realised that she's vulnerable and desperate for affection.

Not much you can do.
She has chosen his views over her friendship with you. She's the one has to live with that.
My (ex) uni friend did this to all her friends. Except we were told that the wedding was going to be less than 15 people bla bla. Then at Christmas we got a boaky round robin letter mentioning the 150 "of our London friends" who had been there.
We drifted apart without ever falling out.
Sometimes it just happens.

It depends on why the partner would be uncomfortable to have you there. Why is he uncomfortable to have you there.

I know how you're feeling, my best mate is talking marraige with a guy who she loves beyond anything, but every sentence out of her mouth is "Oh, S doesn't want/like this/that." or "S said this/that so it must be true!" and I know that in a few years I'll be in the same position as you are now

Nothing you can do about it I'm afraid. I ended up in a row with her about him not too long ago and though she says she's over it, she's still very off with me.
We are part of a threesome group of girly friends and we're the other friend's son's godmothers. She's explicitly told me that when the time comes I won't be God mother to her children as S doesn't like me (not that I asked!)

Good luck with her! Hopefully she'll see sense!

It's a mystery to me, why he'd be uncomfortable. We did have a disagreement about 2 years ago, discussed it, and the issue was resolved. Well, at least I thought so, obviously he didn't.

In the recent past I stayed for several weeks with them in their flat, no indication that there was a problem.

It is ridiculous that your best friend would not invite you to her wedding day on the vague notion that her husband would be uncomfortable with your presence without any reason given for his discomfort.

I would be angry and hurt at my friend and in the spirit of honesty - and as a best friend I am assuming honesty is a main ingredient - I would write back telling her how angry and hurt you are by her disinvitation. I would want her to state exactly what would be making him uncomfortable. And I mean all this could and should be framed well and in the interest of trying to retain a friendship never mind a best friendship.

It is certainly something which would put my friendship on the line and I would point this out to my best friend, she would expect me to.

I can't see how being magnanimous in this serves either you or your friend.

I don't know how you will contnue the friendship tbh
presumably your not welcome in the house when he is there, you won't be able to go to her kids birthdays, chistenings etc
I'd email her back saying you hope she has a lovely day and then leave ALL future contact up to her

How sad...
It would take a very very strong friendship and you to be a very forgiving person to overcome this snub
Bearing this in mind, I would write back saying how hurt and upset you are, that you appreciate her loyalty to her DF but you are wondering where her loyalty to you as a long standing friend is...
TBH I couldn't continue with this friendship...she maybe being manipulated, then again you just might not be very important to her. I can't see what you have to gain from continuing this relationship.

I would talk to him and find out the problem.

"But I guess he must have realised that she's vulnerable and desperate for affection"

She thus became a prime target for such an abuser. Such controlling men have radar for women with low self worth and underlying vulnerability.

Your friend is being controlled by this man and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. The scales have not yet fallen from her eyes, she likely thinks that he is still wonderful and does everythign for her. He may even be picking her up from work.

Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do in this situation. You can only pick up the pieces in the following years because a pound to a penny it will all go pear shaped.

He does not want you at the wedding because he sees you as a threat; you would put ideas into her head and he only wants her to himself in a gilded cage of his own making. He will continue to further isolate and control her once they are married.

"Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft is a good publication to read re controlling relationships. I'd be giving your friend a copy

If he is that much of a git, frankly I wouldn't want to sit and watch her marry him...it can't end well, can it?