Acceptance and healing

[feelingit]

Maybe this should be on lone parents but .......My husband left 4 months ago. We have been going to counselling but I think we are just limping on and I am going to put an end to it as I know he is just going through the motions. Good advice has told me that I will feel better out of the limbo and facing up that things have come to an end... which I think I am just starting to get my head round.

So my question is.... does anyone have any advice to start properly getting over the whole horrible thing ? I know time is the biggest thing and that's out of my control. I have plenty of lovely friends , have just come back from a girly weekend away and on the surface am getting on with things (and seeing a counsellor to deal with my own issues) but I don't seem to be able to get the huge and overwhelming feelings of loneliness, resentment, fear, disappointment for the family life I thought we would have, sadness that my DD and new DS (due in June) won't grow up with their mum and dad together in a loving family unit and just the fear of all the things I am going to have to deal with alone. My DD (2.5) is amazing and I am able to be strong for her.. but again it's only on the surface - inside I am in pieces still.

I know the key is to take the focus away from him, distance, stop obsessing about what he is doing and who he is with (he is a constant in my head -which i HATE) but how do you do that ? I feel like I am wallowing in it but I really don't want to be - I want to get strong and move on. I just look at every couple/family I see out and assume (ok probably wrongly) that they are all blissfully happy, I am also starting to feel bitter when I am around my happily married friends and I really don't want to feel this way.I'm just so bl**dy disappointed!

Any tips very gratefully received thanks

I know it is trite - but time.
Every week that passes makes it a little less raw, and of course sometimes you fall back, but the recovery from that is quicker than the original recovery.
You seem like you have a good support system in place with your friends, which is fantastic.
And be nice to yourself.

I fear we're all going to be saying the same thing! I was where you are 3 years ago and am now in a very happy place. In fact I'd say I was up and running again after a year or so. So it is time and just trying to bear with the ups and downs.

A good support system as squirrel says is vital and I'd advise extending it maybe to include more singletons/lone parents. When I first got divorced, a lot of my closest friends were happily married and now they're getting divorced! Also met a woman who I now consider to be one of my truest friends at a Divorce Recovery Workshop two years ago. I'd go to one of those if I were you, you meet loads of people in the same boat, some of them very raw, and it's a wonderful bonding experience.

And remember, the nuclear family is not the norm these days and you're not in any way weird or unusual. And Happy Valentine's

Thanks for the advice. I hadn't considered a Divorce recovery workshop - Do you actually have to be going through the divorce or is recently separated enough ?! I think until the last week ..or even couple of days I have still been at the bargaining stage - trying to work out how I can get him back but am realising I can't do that (and actually - the weekend away with friends and talking how he was /is has made me realise it could probably never work now anyway )- hence starting to accept it.

No, you can go at any stage of separation! Think they have a website with useful info.
And yes, acceptance takes a long long time, just one of the stages of the grieving process. And I recommend Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on that.

Thanks sparky - did you go on a residential one ? None appear to be in London where I live - odd but will give them a call.

Yes, it was residential as no weekly groups in my area either. I went home in the evenings though as I live fairly close (nice venue in Muswell Hill).

Go for it if you can, it made me feel part of the human race again.

hi feelingit, we were chatting on your other thread. I'm sorry you're feeling so low, but it really is so normal and you are still in the very early stages at the moment, with your H floating about nearby. You kind of have to go through all the anger, sadness, disappointment etc to get out the other side and there isn't really much of a way to speed up the process (am not that much further on, but believe me, it does get easier and you have pg hormones to deal with!!)

I'm reading a really good book called Crazy time, which describes the cycles of behaviour you go through. Will look up who it's by, and post later.

Wish I lived nearer you, would be happy to go for coffee and chat about this properly!