don't want to tell new BF about the past - is that ok?

[Whizzywigg]

Just thinking out loud... I have a new bf ... just a couple of weeks old

He has never asked about my past, but I wonder if perhaps he will. Also, MNetters have been suggesting I ask him about his previous relationships...

The last person I was involved with was DD's dad, and that ended 5 years ago. It was, to be blunt, traumatic. I find it hard to talk about it. Some of my oldest friends know what happened, but I probably wouldn't talk about it to a new friend. I also worry that it is somehow indiscrete as it is DD's dad, and sort of personal. If DD asks (when she is 16 or 21 etc) I would explain it all to her..

Do I sound a bit weird? Am I odd for feeling like this? What's the best way of dealing with if new BF asks? I have considered lying and just saying he was a lovely bloke, but we just didn't get on.

Sorry - bf is 48 - not 2 weeks...
relationships is 2 weeks old

I reckon you can say just what you said here.

'I find it hard to talk about it.'

Not weird sounding at all. I wouldn't lie about it, THAT would be weird.

Thanks - even thinking about it to post the OP or thinking about DD wanting to know aobut her Dad makes me anxious enough to feel my chest tighten up...

I suppose part of the reason I haven't dated for so long is that I've kind of been running away from it all..

It's kind of shit, as I thought I'd managed to deal with it all, and kind of find my own way through

Guess not - eh!

how old is dd whizzy?

it's just that you say you think she'll ask questions around 16 or so but I just wanted to say DS has started asking questions at 6yrs old and I had to tell him in an appropriate way about the abuse we suffered....

sorry... just wanted to say it may be sooner than you wish

whizzy, you disclose what you are happy to disclose

just make sure you don't tell out'n'out lies

if he wasn't decent bloke, don't rewrite history and lie

just say "we weren't compatible" or he "didn't turn out to be what I thought he was" or "we wanted different things" etc etc

it leaves the way open to disclose more further on if you so wish

it is your business...a relationship of 2 weeks old is totally on your terms...so make sure it stays that way

Thanks for the replies...

DD is 5 - she starts school in Aug. She hasn't really asked any questions so far... I havent' told her anything about her dad at all...

AF - he was a decent bloke - he was the sort of bloke that if he all had was a potato, and you were as hungry as he, he would cut it in half. I want my DD to know that she can be proud, because he had some great qualities. He was also so tactile... he could make things from junk... especially with wood, he had a way.. and this is odd, but he could bring the best of out of objects... things that looked tired and rusty and ready to bin... well, he could make them shine.. so suddenly they could take pride of place...

But he couldnt' do it for himself.. and his problems were just more than I could handle.

Every time I try and tell the truth I get into knots... I suppose because the nasty end of it was nasty... but that isn't the whole story iyswim....

aww, whizzy, that sounds very sad

My dh used to describe his relationship with his ex as a car crash - I got the message that it was painful and he clearly didn't want to talk about it. We've been together for years now and I do know what happened, but he told me in his own time and as much as he wanted to say. I certainly never pressed him because partly because he obviously didn't want to talk and partly because it just wasn't relevant.

I also think he found it a lot easier to talk about once he was firmly esconced in a fab happy relationship with me iyswim.

Thanks sugartits, that approach makes a lot of sense to me...

Part of me thinks that some of the problem is we live in a Jeremy Kyle world, where what people are looking for is the soundbite explanation... in reality things aren't just that simple..

Just voicing here how anxious I was getting about having to say something to np has calmed me down... I do some vol work in a survivors group, and I am always telling others to give themselves permission to survive, recover and have a happy life... doh... looks like I need my own advice - don't we all?

I think you lot are right... I will just say, he was out of our lives before DD was born.. it was a difficult time, and I still find it hard to talk about it. And hope it doesn't sound too secret squirrel!