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Original poster

BDSM and infidelity- help.

28 replies

marantha · 13/02/2010 14:54

My sister has just called me in a highly distressed state.
Apparently, she has read an e-mail her partner sent to another woman wanting to meet her for BDSM purposes.
My sister tells me that he has long held a desire to be a "submissive slave" and that she has not fulfilled this "desire". I pass no judgement on his kink (as long as it's about consenting adults and all that), but am worried about his potentially adulterous behaviour.

He has sworn blind that he never intended to meet this "Mistress" but was only acting out a fantasy.

He seems a nice enough guy in other respects (OK, don't know what goes on behind closed doors) and I don't want them to split, but what do I advise her? Please help.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/02/2010 14:57

so she's confronted him about it?

Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 15:00

Yes, she has confronted him about it. He swears he wasn't planning on actually meeting this "mistress".

OP posts:
Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 15:04

They are due to marry in June, I know that marriage and commitment need not be linked -plenty of cohabitees who are devoted and plenty of married people who don't give a fig about one another, but I don't want my sister making this relationship "legal" and official if this guy is a waste of space.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/02/2010 15:05

i think he's saying this because he's been caught...classic behaviour

where did he find this woman...has he advertised?

my friend had a dp who did this stuff behind her back. she wasnt happy and they did split. i remember her horror,but i think it was more because she felt eventually he's want this from her too,they had only been together a short while

dittany · 13/02/2010 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsGraceAgain · 13/02/2010 15:08

Even though the email was about meeting her?
I know how hard it is for this kind of thing to sink in, past all the layers of happy family bonding. If you can, try & support her in recognising what's staring her in the face.

If he claims he wanted her to see the email, to goad her into agreeing to the role-play: I wouldn't believe him. And even if it were true, it'd be a nasty, mean, selfish & manipulative attack on her. I can't comment on the sex games, except to say it may be that they are fundamentally incompatible.

Poor woman Glad she's got you!

dittany · 13/02/2010 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 15:41

No, they don't have children together. As I say, I tend to view marriage as a legal contract and don't want my sister binding herself to him legally if he is liable to cheat.
You're right; he could have done this many a time. His "excuse" is that she has not fulfilled his "kinky side" even though she has known about it for a number of years- is that any excuse, though?

OP posts:
dittany · 13/02/2010 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 16:12

You really think that he would have gone through with it then?

OP posts:
Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 16:14

To answer my own question: my sister has no way of knowing whether or not he would have gone through with it- the trust she had in him is shattered though (sigh).

OP posts:
dittany · 13/02/2010 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 13/02/2010 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 16:21

Hmm... Yeah, the e-mail DID say that he would, and I quote, be "definitely able to make the meeting in 3 weeks". Even if he WASN'T going to make the meeting pretty shitty thing to do to another person- presumably this "mistress" isn't working for free and she would be banking on a punter who wouldn't turn up.

OP posts:
Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 16:23

He's a bit of a c*, really, isn't he? Oh well, you never can tell which ones are the barstewards after all. Guess I'm going to just have to be a shoulder for my sis to cry on and be as supportive in a practical way because I think I've reached the conclusion that this guy is an A-grade arsehole.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 16:27

if your sister marries this man she is a fool

they are sexually incompatible (obviously...)

unless she is prepared to turn a blind eye to extra-curricular activities on his part or go against her own nature and give him what he thinks he needs...

neither of the above would fill me with much optimism for a happy marriage, tbh

SayHitIsntSo · 13/02/2010 16:30

The thing with BDSM is it is a sexual orientation/ preference. not a "whim" a "weak moment" or a"cheater personality", and so the point of yours (well, hers) concerns shouldn't be whether he's a cheater or not (though it doesn't to say that what he did is right- he hid the truth from his partner, and that is wrong)- but whether he'll be able to live his life as a "closet" slave/submissive person and whether she can fulfil his sexual needs (or in other words: does she share his fantasies/needs)?

True- he won't do it now, tomorrow or the day after that cuz he got caught. But that yearning will stay with him and he will only feel oppressed and blocked and miserable, and they'll end up divorcing some time in the future because oppressed people are miserable people.

As Dr. Phil said once wisely:
"when sex is OK, it constitutes 10% of a relationship. When sex is bad, or one partner is not happy with the sex- it constitutes 90% of the relationship"

I don't know how to help you (or her, or him) solve this problem. sure is a tough one.

SayHitIsntSo · 13/02/2010 16:33

sexual compatibility (or lack there of), thanks AnyFucker, explains my elaborate blahing in two words..

AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 16:41

I thought your blahing was pretty astute actually, SHIS

PotPourri · 13/02/2010 16:47

They're not compatible. Simple as that. unless she wants to try out the kinky stuff, then it just won't work. He has done more than just imagine it, or read mags/stories about it. He has got in touch with a real life person (pretty cruel for them if he wasn't going to do it, pretty cruel to your sister if he was).

Personally, I think you should help her understand what she wants - what she is willing to do, or even interested in doing. It would make my skin crawl, so would not work for me. But it's ll about what works for you - each to their own I say

Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 16:49

SayHitIsntSo I don't deny that it is an orientation, and I'm pretty neutral about his kink (each to his own) but he IS a cheat.

To cap it all, it would appear he has no remorse for the pain he has inflicted on my sister.
I shall relay this as neutrally as I can- although I am fuming:
When she confronted him in the pub about this- bad place I know but she was upset- he told her to "fuck off".
This guy isn't even apologetic for what he has done.
I was a bit confused over whether or not this guy was just a bit frustrated and meant no real harm, but putting it on paper has made me realise that he is a tit.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 16:50

oh dear marantha...a tit and an abusive tit...awful combination

Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 16:50

Sorry about the "f-word" I understand if mumsnet blank it out- if I could go back and blank it myself I would.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2010 16:53

MN won't blank out fuck

like they won't blank out any other swear words

sometimes, using words like that more adequately tells the story that flip lol

Original poster
marantha · 13/02/2010 16:53

Thank god, they've not got children- the BIG issue in my opinion, even above marriage because it is harder to leave a cohabitation which has produced children than a marriage that is childless (IMO, anyway).

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