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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

im not doing terribly well.......

6 replies

Forthebestagain · 13/02/2010 12:20

Im not doing well at all.
OH has been gone 2 weeks now.
He still wants us to get back together and has basically said he will change etc.
He still isn't smoking, has been keeping his GP appts.

I don't know what to do.

Im not being how I imagined ? If that makes sense ? I always imagined that the girls and I would have so much fun but im tearful and short tempered all the time. All I want to do is sleep. I dont though, I go to work, do the schoo, run etc etc.

Last night he sent me a text saying that he realises that he doesnt make me happy and that no matter what he does or how much he changes it will never be enough. he said he doesnt want to be the person that makes me unhappy so he is calling it a day and letting go.

I feel awfil. Sick, panicky. Like my safety net has gone. Im suddenly petrified I have done the wrong thing. Supposing he really was going to change ? have I blown it ?
Do men change ?

OP posts:
Forthebestagain · 13/02/2010 12:21

reading that I am aware that it looks like he sent that to panic me. But he means it, I know him..

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/02/2010 12:28

give it all some time is my only advice reallyy

when i split with my abusive ex it took a good few months to get him out of my mind

GypsyMoth · 13/02/2010 12:30

oh and get out and about!!

we were in a hostel in london when i left....most women locked themselves away scared of the big city....me and my dc (4 dc) explored london and had a great time together...makes it all real again,but it makes you feel better long term

kinnies · 13/02/2010 13:20

You can do this Forthebest!

Totaly normal to have a wobble IME.

I think he is still trying to play your heart strings.

WingedVictory · 13/02/2010 18:37

Hello, forthe best. I lurked on your other threads and didn't post, but just wanted to join in now with encouragement.

You said "He still wants us to get back together and has basically said he will change etc." That is: he will change. He has not changed yet. By contrast, he doesn't sound as thought he even understands what it would mean to change. What is he looking forward to? What is he planning? Has he any hopes? You describe nothing , beyond "getting back together with you", and that is not a long-term plan; it is not a detailed plan about how to behave.

It has only been two weeks. With no job yet (I would imagine, given the GP appointments), the time no seems longer to him, and he has nothing to do but think about how slowly the time is passing.

Keep asking yourself: if you "take him back", what then? You won't have any leverage over him. Your DDs will be brought back under the strain and shadow of living with someone who is not all there, who mopes around and has no plans. Even if he is not smoking at the moment, he still has little to offer because he has given up all his interests.

You are tired, but that is a reaction to ages of strain - your body can finally relax and catch up. The irritability is also a reaction to the long period of strain, but also the conflicting pressures now of living your life according to your own timescale (going to work, living with the DDS, etc.) and being made incredibly aware of your OH's empty, stretched-out timescale (where nothing happens, and the future is an eternity unless you "take him back" - and his horizon ends there).

Please don't be surprised and discouraged by how you feel at this stage. Your life has changed, and, yes, you will need to start living differently, and there is a risk that you will miss opportunities. But you need to recover before you start trying to choose between new opportunities!

As for the "safety net": you were his safety net, and if you take him back, you blow it for both of you. And for your DDs.

cestlavielife · 13/02/2010 20:44

he wants to be back together...he will change...he doesnt make you ahppy adn is lettng go..

he is playing with your mind.

tell him - i wont discuss anything for six months at last. tell yourself - you are not interested him for six months at least.

if by then he has done some really positive changes well who knows.

tell him - i dont want to discuss anythign other than practical arrangements, finance, when you will see the dcs.

your safety net has not gone - he was not a safety net. he drained you.

please go see a counsellor - speak to gp about a referral. you need to talk thru what has happened .

put the six months/after the summer in your head and his. before then - no discussion of anything other than practical arrangemnts.

two weeks is nothing. he needs to make significant changes. where are they?

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