How do I support a friend who chooses to stay in an abusive relationship?

[CandyAppleGrey]

Have namechanged and can't be too specific, but a very close friend of mine has been with her DP for about a year during which time he has shown himself to be possessive, controlling and basically a total cockfarmer.

In the past few days his jealousy has gone completely nuts, they had a big row and she has moved out. But now he is turning on the charm I can see the signs that she is going to get back with him. I think she would be an idiot to not run for the hills.

How can I best support her, is the tough love option best or do I have to stay neutral and supportive of her decision? Would welcome advice from wise MNers...

Reviving this for a quick update

She did go back to him... now the same thing has happened, this time he accused her of having an affair, demanded access to all her phone bills etc and smashed up loads of her stuff

She is still saying she misses him and doesn't want to break up

...and the cycle continues, Candy

seriously, there is nothing you can do

her life, her choice

it may take several years (or he puts her in hospital or somesuch) before she finally comes to her senses...it seems that is often the case, unfortunately

< crosses fingers she doesn't have a baby with him >

When I split from my abusive XP, I had so many people telling me how angry they were with him, what a twat he was and how I should never ever contemplate getting back with him, it felt as though by getting rid of XP, I had opened the door for everyone else to tell me what to do.
It seemed to me that everyone was so happy that we had split (rightly so), but I thought it was because they just didn't want to see me happy. I wasn't thinking straight at the time.

I loved him, yet all my friends and family hated him and were so angry all the time, but delighted that I had split wit him. Everyone offered me differing advice. It made my head spin. He was the only one who wasn't cheering about our split, who wasn't angry and telling me what to do, and I was upset about the split, I was devastated that it hadn't worked. I was also upset that my friends and family were rejoicing and celebrating over my broken relationship, and hadn't seemed to notice how awful I was feeling.
I felt vulnerable, and wanted someone to look after me, and remove all the trouble the split seemed to have stirred up.

I didn't want the drama.

There was one friend who made a big difference, without being derogatory about my XP at all, she listened, just listened.

She seemed to understand my conflicting feelings, and she listened to me rant on and on,she listened to my hopes he would change, and she asked me whether I thought that would happen.

She made me think.

I remember asking her what she thought I should do, and her answer was 'You should do what you want to do, not your friends, or your family, it's your life, if you want to be with him, then be with him. I will still be your friend and I will think no less of you for taking him back. It wont affect our friendship at all'

This is the friend who I felt understood my turmoil, and consequently I did think about what I wanted, and it wasn't him. No act of rebellion, just decided what I wanted.

After years of livig with someone who manipulated me and controlled me, who blamed me for everything, who never took responsibility, it was lovely to just feel free to please myself.

Sorry for the rant.

sparklefrog, you told that story absolutely beautifully. Thank you

It is easy to forget that abused partners are there because they love the abuser ... Abuse is never 100%, all the time; there are qualities of "no-one else understands" (often because of shared abusive histories, though rarely stated); there's the "real person underneath" - and there's a magical belief that Love Will Conquer. If only I loved him more, or loved him right, he wouldn't get so angry. Those princess-kisses-frog stories have a lot to answer for.

But ... If we tell the woman nothing but the harsh & ugly truth, then we're telling her SHE is wrong as well, aren't we? She chose to love her partner: if he is a monster, what does that make her? We need a lighter touch. I'm guilty of laying it on too thick sometimes. I appreciate your reminder!

Thank you ItsGraceAgain.

Just want to add that I really started to see the light after reading the Lundy Bancroft book.

Highly recommend it.