Advice needed, I don't know what to do.

[LucyDeSpiderman]

I'm sorry if there are typos, am writing with 1 hand and bf'ing 1 month old dd with other.

Basically I just need somebody to be straight with me & either tell me I'm being ridiculous & childish, or tell me that I'm right in thinking my DP is a twat waste of space, and I need to leave asap.
We've been together for just over 3 years, I'm only 20, so since I was 16 (very nearly 17), and he was 19. We have 2 children together, and while I know you probably all call me stupid for having children so young, I don't regret having my babies now, and they're really not the problem, if anything they're the only thing keeping me sane.
I've been uncertain about my future with dp for a while now, I don't doubt that he loves me, but I don't think he has any respect for me/my feelings. He works full time, and I'm studying at college 1 day a week (will be about 3 days from September). I understand that he works hard, and deserves time to unwind & see his friends, but he doesn't seem to know when to draw the line. About once a month he'll go to the pub 'for 1' after work on a Friday or football on a Sunday, and end up stopping there all night & getting completely wasted, despite speaking to me throughout the night via phonecalls and telling me he'll 'be back in a minute, just finishing this drink/waiting for a lift/finishing this game of darts'...you get the picture. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind if we didn't have the dc (ds is 2 in March, dd just turned 1 month) and I got some time to myself too, but I get fuck all. I'm with them 24 hours a day, except for Wednesdays when I'm at college for 3 hours in the morning, and 2 in the evening, most of that time by myself, and the lack of adult conversation is driving me insane. I don't mind not being able to go on nights out anymore, I chose to have my children, and I'm prepared to not go out etc, but it'd be nice if he'd just occasionally think about me before himself, and come home when he can hear that I'm stressed, and maybe run me a bath and pour me a glass of wine. He's gone to the pub tonight, of course he promised me he'd be home by 6, and of course I'm still waiting. I have spoken to him, and basically told him I'm done with sitting around waiting for him, and think it's really unfair what he keeps doing. He tells me I can go out with my friends if I want, but I would feel terrible spending money on myself, and leaving the dc would be difficult as dp can't cope with dd crying and just gets stressed out, and I'd feel cheeky asking my Mum (the only person I'd trust). Plus, I don't actually feel the need to go out drinking, I just want him to show me a little respect.
I don't have sexual feelings for him anymore, my sex drive is non existant, I'm only 20 ffs, it's been like this since ds was born. He can get really quite nasty when he's had even a little bit to drink, so I'm dreading him getting home (IF he comes home) and I just need to make a decision about what I'm going to do, once & for all. Please be straight with me, I need it.
Oh god, I know I sound pathetic, but this has been going on since I was pg with ds, and I can't live my life with somebody who seems to find it impossible to think of me & the dc before himself. I think we're simply too different, my life revolves around my children & ensuring I can make their lives as good as possible, while he still craves his old life with no responsibilities, can it ever work? Really?

For this reason and this reason only, I would consider calling it a day...

"He can get really quite nasty when he's had even a little bit to drink, so I'm dreading him getting home"

You can still do college as a single parent; it's more difficult, but possible (I got myself a degree as a SP... it's hard, as I say.. but can be done)

Money would be tight, of course but again, possible...

housing? who owns where you're at now? who's on the rent lease?

Oh gosh, I am not sure I can answer all your questions but firstly it is not unusual for mums with newborns to have low sex drive. You must be really tired and your body is recovering from the birth - I know it has been this way for a while but the same applies.

Your DP sounds a bit immature and considering his age that is not surprising. Part of me wants to say let him have the blow out once a month so long as he can show you the consideration you deserve the rest of the time, like running you a bath, taking the kids off your hands. He should be doing this btw, no excuses.

Why would it be cheeky to ask your mum to babysit? I think you should have a few nights out to recharge your batteries - even just going to a friend's for a chat and wine. You need your friends, don't lose them.
Good luck.

btw I agree the nastiness when drunk is not a good sign, I forgot to address that

Lucy,

re your comment:-

"and I can't live my life with somebody who seems to find it impossible to think of me & the dc before himself".

Apart from the reason that Lewisfan cited in her post to you, the above is another for calling it a day with him. I think you answered your own post here in that sentence.

He is an irresponsible immature manchild and drunkard. He is not a decent role model for your children either. You have children together but you do not need a manchild as well to run around after and enable.

You say this is once a month?

I'm not sure if it can work or not. It's quite a hard time with a newborn, and probably not a time for drastic action. Have you told him how you're feeling? Is he kind and supportive or dismissive?

A few other thoughts:

I don't think him going out and getting drunk once a month is too terrible really. Don't like that he gets nasty to you though, that is unacceptable.

If he tells you you can go out with your friends, then you should go. If he isn't good at coping with the children then it's about time he got some practice isn't it?

Lack of sex drive just after having a baby is very much par for the course, and this could last for months unfortunately.

Also, I think it's quite common for men to miss the independence they had before having a family. My DH was like this, and he's considerably older.

Mixed messages. You sound as if you want to spend all evening, every evening, every week, every month - at home together on the sofa.
Going out one night a month isn't unreasonable. It is unreasonable, though, to complain of inequality when he's encouraged you to do the same & you make excuses ...

I would worry about your 'nasty when drinking' remark, if I could be sure the 'nastiness' isn't a reaction to your whining at him! He rings you all the time while he's out, which is sweet - do you use these calls to try & control him? Likewise, I don't find it all that clever to stay out all night - even if it is only once a month - but wonder if he delays coming home because you give him brain damage when he gets in?

Something about your post does make me think there are underlying issues you haven't mentioned. But, if not, I have some very strong suggestions for you:-
1] Get over your fear of leaving DC1 with a sitter.
2] Get used to the idea that you can take DC2 out of an evening.
3] Organise with DP to go out together (with DC2 in tow, if you don't want to leave her), preferably once a week.
4] Organise a monthly night out for yourself. You don't have to go rampantly boozing, you could go out for a meal and/or a film and/or dancing.
5] Agree with DP that solo nights out finish at 3am, latest.

Sense? Or nonsense?

Depends on exactly what you mean that he's nasty after a drink.

Do you mean you argue after you've given him earache or that he picks something out of the blue and goes off on one.

If its because your getting at him for being out, I think you need to think that once a month isnt really that bad if otherwise he works hard and is a good partner/father.

It sounds as if you are resentful that he is going out when you arent. You need to make some "me" time. If you're not comfortable leaving DC2 for any length of time, then it doesnt have to be an all-nighter, maybe a couple of hours at your mates and you can return home if DP rings and says he's finding things difficult.

Its not cheeky to ask your mum to babysit occassionally. If she doesnt want to do it, maybe you could ask a friend and you and dp go out together.

If he's coming home and causing arguments for the sake of it or being violent, then you do need to leave.

Er, whose choice was it to have 2 kids in quick succession when so young? Yours alone, or did he have a say in it? If he instigated having kids at such a young age (and yes, I do think young) then he needs to follow through.
This is what it is like when you have kids! especially a new born! Your life is turned upside down, you don't get to choose your lifestyle anymore. There's less money and more responsibility. It's bloody hard graft and it's relentless. And yes, your sex drive after giving birth can go to pot for a year or more.

Sounds to me like you both need to wake up and smell the coffee. You are both young and probably need to let your hair down to socialise with friends. So he is doing this at least once a month right? Now you need to organise a night out with friends instead of getting all resentful at him. Leave your dc with him for the night. Write down instructions for him, make it simple. DO NOT get in to a pattern whereby he can toddle off for a night out with the lads and expect you to take care of everything domestically. TRAIN him, teach him to become a responsible Dad to his kids - do this by allowing him to take full responsibility for things while you go out. After all, I'm presuming he chose this life with you too, yes?