For those of you who have toxic parents.......

[electra]

As a child did you think they were normal and their behaviour was typical or did you know they weren't?

Did you have feelings of guilt that you were simply a bad child?

At what age did you realise their behaviour had been abusive?

Yeah Ok, you can be sad for her....x

Am and at this thread.

I didn't realise until a few years ago so I'd maybe have been 21 or so, after DD was born. I had blamed myself for being 'wrong,' wrong attitude, wrong colour hair, wrong interests. I didn't know that all mums weren't like that, she put up a pretty good front to everybody else and enough of her stuff was subtle enough to make me feel as if it was my fault. Then again maybe I'm just not very perceptive, it took until I was 17 or so before I realised that most teenagers didn't have to put their alcoholic mothers to bed while they screamed abuse at them

Mostly it was meeting DP that made me realise how it felt to be treated with love and respect. My dad is lovely and he did his best but he was treated badly too. I haven't spoken to my mother for about 7 months now and it's helped to be away from her abuse. I realise now that nothing can make her like me or treat me with respect. I feel an obligation to protect my daughters from her. She told my sister that she never bonded with me which I understand but she had my whole life and never even tried Rationally I know that it isn't my fault and that I can't make her not hate me but years of conditioning or whatever mean my first reaction is to blame myself. Not sure how long it'll take my heart to catch up with my mind.

This thread is so sad. I am glad that lots of you have managed to come to terms with your childhood.

Sitting in psychology class at college when I was 21. It was hard to take in but I had left home at 18 and am only now getting round to all the things I should have done after leaving school.

I didn't know it wasn't normal.

My mother took me to the solicitor when I was 11 to get me to tell him all the things my father did. I told him utterly calmly and dispassionately.

She didn't divorce him and after that he included me in the abuse.

I remember thinking that was what I deserved.

It's so desperately sad reading this. Since i have come to terms with my childhood and stopped speaking to my father I have always been open about what happened to me, at risk of people not speaking to me as they didn't know what to say.
It is worth talking about it when you have one person have the 'lightbulb' moment and realise that they don't need ot take it anymore and it isn't right.

Mine stopped shortly after DH found the bruise when I pulled a knife on my father and told him if he hit me again I'd make him pay. Fucking coward.

What gets me is my siblings, everyone reacts different ways but in my family we have all reactions from complete denial (and still in contact with him), some denial to worst parts but acceptance that it was because 'we were very bad children', acceptance and cutting the entire family out and acceptance and dealing with it.

But I think I always knew there was something wrong with us as a family. Unfortunately my Sister and Mum secretly believe that there is some level of Male on Female violence in every heterosexual couple. I tried telling my sister the crazy violent one was me, until I calmed down, and realised my DP wasn't going to turn into my Dad on me.

This is a sad thread to read however it is so good that we can make it out the other side and talk about our experiences! I came through a pretty shit adolescence which was the result of a messy divorce but I didn't realise my parents behaviour that preceded wasn't normal until the divorce was finalised when I was about 18. I'm now 23 and have some anxiety related health issues and am still dealing with events and I do sometimes get down but I know I'm stronger and better because of it all. Though both my parents still surprise me with their behaviour to this very day. And I beat my self up even though I really shouldn't have expected anything else. Sorry if this is a bit of a rambling post.

My lightbulb moment was in therapy. Recently. Realised that it is not normal to be in a household where there was a permanent atmosphere, didn't know what mood dad would be in when home from work. Thought violence was what every parent did to each other (in front of me). Thought it was normal to be controlled throughout childhood, I wasn't allowed to think, or do. Sometimes felt it wasn't allowed to be.

THought it was perfectly ok to cry myself to sleep most nights. I actually found it comforting to do so.

I think I always knew my dad's behaviour towards me and my siblings and my mum wasn't ok and I always knew it was him and not me who had the problem.

My lightbulb moment did not happen til I was 37 and it was about my mother. I had always 100% blamed my dad and always saw my mother as a victim. Until suddenly one day I realised that she had stood by and watched my dad abuse me when I was around 9/10. She did absolutely nothing to try and stop him. And that is when I realised that she was actually worse than my dad. She knew what was happening and she did nothing for years and years and years. In fact my dad's abuse and my mum's neglect only stopped when I walked away from them 4 years ago and I have never looked back since. It was the best thing I could ever have done for myself.

I don't think it is sad to read this thread. I think it is brilliant that we have a place to openly talk about what happened to us and not feel judged or criticised. The more this stuff is talked about openly without any stigma the better.

I always knew it wasn't normal, but didn't realise how bad it was until very recently, I'm 40. I knew from an early age my Mum was different, but she was also eccentric and foreign. I knew that other teeangers didn't have to hide the car keys before going to bed every night to stop their alcoholic mother driving to her abusive boyfriend.

What I didn't realise was how bad and neglectful and abusive my Dad was. Even after he knew what had happened with our Mum and I went to live with him when I was 16/17. He never stopped saying how much of an intrusion and nuisance I was.

I went no contact with my Mum when I was 27 and am considering the same with my Dad. I also am starting to realise (having trouble writing this) that my Dad sexually abused me when I was very young.

It takes a long to realise how far from normal parenting this is. I am still trying to deal with the fact that I might not be a bad, wrong person by nature. I really was unlucky in having two fucked up parents who were each fucked up in their own special ways.

Reading this thread makes me think of my childhood. I still make a million excuses for my mum and how she abandoned me and my siblings as kids. And I feel guilty.

I knew she was not a good mum when she watched her then boyfriend beat the crap out of my younger brother who was about 7, despite me screaming at him to stop. She tried to strangle me at about aged 10 because I'd hidden her vodka and wouldn't tell her where it was. When I was 4 years old I has long hair which I loved but she got my aunt to cut it off so I looked like a boy, as she didn't know how to manage it. To this day I hate my hair which seems trivial but it's a real confidence killer.

There are many more things which she did and still does yet I haven't got it in me to walk away and I don't know why? She's completely messed up her life and I think I'm the only "friend" she has. The thing is I don't trust her, don't respect her - I just pity her. How sad .

I echo dittany.

Also, talking about when it stopped, my Mum only stopped hitting us when we started hitting her back, I was about 15. And she was a lot less physical than my Dad but he moved out when I was twelve. Part of me thought it was normal as my friends got smacked, but at the same time I also knew that my parents used excessive force.

Our stories are all so similar. I would never do to DD any of the stuff that happened to me when I was young. The volume of abuse was quite overwhelming.

Saddened, but inspired by the courage of these lightbulb moments.

Mine started to go on about 4 months after my first baby. I met up with my antenatal group and they got to talking about how becoming parents had made them appreciate their own more. Will leave it at that.

32 and not there yet

SnotBaby Exactly. -I went to see my much trusted GP, ostensibly about some physical problems - that I knew were probably anxiety related - when ds was about 6 months old, but at the back of my mind I knew I wanted to tell him about my childhood. But the first thing he said on asking for my ds was: "doesn't having your own children make you really appreciate the hard work your parents did for you". Needless to say I've never mentioned any of what happened to my GP but after some time sought counselling privately. But still I find it hard hearing those types of comments, as though it was my fault somehow.

Snotbaby and mynewme I think having children makes you realise or question how could our parents ever have done these things to us. Sometimes I wonder how my mum coped with us as a single mum, yes, but at the same time the things she did, I just can't see how. My DS is only 4 months but I love him so fiercely that his needs come before my own. I'd never put another person, not even my DH, before him.

A lot of heartbreaking answers on this thread.

I always thought that everything was my fault, I have been filled with guilt and shame for 32 years - only realised that was the bad feelings I was having during counselling last year. I blamed myself for everything, apologised for anything at the drop of a hat and hated myself.

Basically I think that my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or is somewhere on the scale, she 'scores' very highly on 85% of the typical behaviours. She spent the first 10 years of my life bullying me and dominating me, then ignored me!

I have had panic attacks since I was 6, eating disorders, depression, drug addiction, anxiety and so on, and when I had dd I thought 'how could you?' I know my mother only loved me in 'her own way' and that is not my fault. I spent years defending her though, putting myself in her shoes, trying to undestand her (pah!) and her alcoholic, abusive, sexually innapropriate partner.

I cut all ties while pregnant with dd and I have not looked back. I am almost free now - they may be leaving to go to Spain -

I did know that she wasn't a normal, maternal mother though. It's just taken me this loong to realise how not normal. I think this is fairly typical of emotional abuse though.

aww, nemo, what a fucking time you have had !

somehow an abusive mother seems the worst of all (not bringing down anyone else's feelings, btw)

I am glad you are finally getting free of all the negativity in your life x

Does anybody have any views or know people who's abuse by a parent(s) is more convert/controlling and who still idealise them?