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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH has called relate for an appointment

13 replies

Coca · 12/02/2010 18:26

I'm feeling a mixture of emotions really. I'm terrified of having to talk about what's wrong in our relationship and I'm bloody annoyed that he's been ignoring any issues we have for years but as soon as it got to the point that I have decided I don't want sex anymore he's straight on the phone to Relate.
Has anyone found them helpful? I'm so scared that discussing the problems will mean the begining of the end for us.

OP posts:
traumaqueen · 12/02/2010 18:27

Found them helpful when I was on my own with them - not with DH I'm afraid (XDH now)

ginnny · 12/02/2010 18:31

I think they are helpful as long as you are both completely honest and want the marriage to work.
I have heard of people going to relate and putting on an act, in which case it is pointless.
I know its annoying, but at least your DH wants to make things right now. Its a step in the right direction at least.
Good luck.

Tortington · 12/02/2010 18:31

we went - it was a condition of us staying married considering what most people would consider a relationship ending incident.

and it helped in that when you say things in front of a third person - suddenly all that has become normal - well...it's just not normal - you already know that but saying stuff outloud to a strager doesn't half make you both sit up and wake up to each others twattery.

we are still together - but we have been for years, we are like bloody morcombe and wise - we just wont part no matter what the twattery involved

Coca · 12/02/2010 18:31

Oh god I just can't see how talking about it is going to lead to anything other than him leaving me.

OP posts:
Aussieng · 12/02/2010 19:45

You say that he has been ignoring any issues you have for years but it does sound as if you are just as keen to try and sweep them under the carpet...

You just need to read MN to see that not many relationships will continue indefinitely if they are merely predicated on not discussing any problems.

Tortington · 12/02/2010 19:46

does he want to work it out dya think or is this one of those " i did everything i could" ploys to get out of jail - guilt free?

victoriascrumptious · 12/02/2010 19:46

Coca-I guess it depends what your problems are? If you are going you should make sure you vocalise the fact that you dont want the relationship to end though-that would help.

Tortington · 12/02/2010 19:48

i mean if its the latter - i'd tell him to go fuck himself and have done - you have no life or dignity holding on for dear life to someone who doesn;t want to be there - and the thing is IME, when you suddenly bring to their attention that you wont be a lonley old weeping maid - that you too will go on a fuck fest and your kids will have a step dad - they suddenly have to look at things from another perspective - its funny how men get when they think of their wives fucking other men

victoriascrumptious · 12/02/2010 19:52

LMAO @ "fuckfest".

Tortington · 12/02/2010 19:56

i mean in this situation its all about power - hes going on like he wants to leave and your clinging on for dear life. its so unbecoming. when you get a backbone, workout finances - show him that you wont be a sad old bird and that you will do ok financially TYVM, then the shock of "oh don't leave me" to " fuck you i'll be fine" suddenly makes them stop - i find

i never tire of reminding my husband that i am actually very fuckable, hes a lucky bloke to have me. i wont die if he leaves, i;ll be ok fnancially - i'll manage, i'll get by - and no - i wont be nice if he just fucks off - i wont be anything to him. I have told dh plain as day that if he ever just left or indeed went off with another woman - i wouldn't even countenance his presence, i wouldn;t talk to him, text him, phone him or reply to his texts, emails, phnecalls. he would for all intense and purposes be dead to me. he would not exist. and thats how i would play it.

you need to regain you power. and remind him whats what.

i mean if he did leave - maybe in the short to medium term you would be devestated - but chances are eventually you will love again, get your life together again , fuck again - but they are all too wrapped up in themselves and the I, I, I of the situation
I am stifled, I can't do what i like, I cant go out when i like, family life is too boring, other women are too tempting, its all about them - so JOLT him into reality and remind him - you will get some good fucking - you are a good person and any ne would be happy to love you - you might have more babies ( you maynot don't tell him that) with your new beau - its not allabout him - as his life partner - remind him that you too will carry on with your life - they forget that shit selfish fuckers they are

threetimemummy · 12/02/2010 19:59

LOL Custy you are on a roll tonight!!

OP - FWIW,I agree with Custy!!

Coca · 12/02/2010 20:35

sorry, kids were calling.
I'm such a wimp, even starting this thread has made me want to hurl. Thank you for the responses. I have been the one whinging and complaining for years that we should see a counsellor, he's called my bluff I guess. I feel a prize tit.

OP posts:
MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 13/02/2010 13:35

I do like this new word fuckfest (well new to me - when it makes it into the next OED I hope you are credited, Custy )

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