DH's long hours and stress causing problems

[PhoebeLaura]

My DH works very long hours in the city whilst I stay at home to look after our DS. It's always caused problems as in the past I would get very angry with him which I'm now ashamed about as I realise that it is just the nature of his job and not something he can necessarily control. I have learnt to be more understanding and for a while things were going ok.

Recently however, he's been under a lot of pressure and when he is at around (only at the weekends as he comes home in the early hours and leaves early) he has been snapping at me and totally over-reacting to things. I have tried to be understanding of the pressure he is under but it's really hard to resolve anything when we have an argument at the weekend and he goes off to the office Sunday evening and I don't see him until the following Friday or Saturday. We used to be able to discuss things on the phone but he doesn't even want to do that anymore.

Things have been particularly bad this week and we've probably said about 4 words to each other since Sunday. I have tried to call him at work but he keeps saying he's too busy to talk. I just managed to speak briefly and he says that he will be working all weekend. I am so upset because I had planned a special Valentine's meal for him on Saturday to try to make things better.

I just feel like running off to my parents and I suggested that I might go and visit them. He didn't seem bothered whether I go or not. I just don't know what to do anymore as it seems like we are drifting further and further apart. This isn't how I expected married life to be. I know other people have it harder, especially single Mums but I'd really appreciate any advice if you have experienced something similar. I just feel so sad right now.

being under loads of pressure is no excuse to treat you like shit

Poor you, this sounds awful. I have a DP that has a very stressful job, but somehow he manages to leave work at work (most of the time).

I say bugger off to your parents, if you have the option, over next weekend. Give him something to think about (worked for me)

Thanks for replying, I'm sat here in floods of tears.

Unfortunately my parents live 300 miles away but I could get there if I had to. I just don't want to run off if it's going to make things worse.

You need to have a serious talk about work life balance. What's the point in working so much if there's no life to come home to? Does his work involve socialising too, or is he purely slogging it out in an office for all this time?

Would your parents be happy to have you there for a week or so? I think it may be a good idea - it sounds like you are pretty lonely and maybe (if your parents are like this) it would be a good idea to be looked after for a few days?

Might scare the living shit out of your DH if you just aren't there when he expects you to as well (like I said, worked for me )

Sorry if this isn't appropriate.

[this was meant to be at the start of my prev post]

Oh darling... you sound like you really need a break.please just go to your parents and try to have a bit of headspace. x

You need to talk. Is he due any leave? Does he take time off for any reason? It's so important to address this if you can.

Meanwhile, if it helps, go to your parents, I've done the same (with similar distance) when it got too much with my workaholic H.

He's just in the office. It's crazy work but there are big financial rewards in the future - not that I'm bothered about the money even though he's always saying I am.

My parents are great and would be happy to have me to stay but I don't want them to think we are having problems. They already worry too much about me.

I just don't want to play games and I wonder if running off to my parents is a sensible way to deal with matters. (trying very hard to be grown-up emoticon!)

I sympathise - my DH is not yet home. I sometimes feel that his work comes first, although he would probably beg to differ.

I do sympathise, I've been there. I bet your parents are worried about you for good reason (mine were). We always had the carrot of massive financial rewards too. I would have preferred to downsize house, get rid of my car than live the way we did - with him doing 90 hour weeks, week after week.

My situation got further complicated with the addition of an OW (at work, no surprise there!) and I'm not suggesting at all that this is happening in your case, just that I really think you need to look at your priorities together. You need to be there for each other, and your marriage needs hard work as well as his career.

you wouldn't be playing games!! It sounds like you need a break and a bit of looking after. I guess he doesn't do much family stuff at the weekend either?

Don't look at it as running away (that would e childish , but as a break for yourself and your kid that is very much needed. You sound like you need a recharge, and your DC would see it as an exciting adventure (and a great opportunity for him to spend loads of time with the GPs)

I understand that your DH is horribly stressed and overworked - does he have an overwhelming desire to provide the best he can for his family?, but in my (similar) situation, it really helped just to go 'home' for a couple of days, let them look after me (because your parents would want to, if they knew how you felt), and it helped me gain perspective.

DP and I have never been stronger - it really needed to get to a head and for me to vanish for a few days, and he realised what he would be missing if he carried on the way he did

sorry, i'm being over personal with this, and realise this may not help you specifically - just hoping that my experience may give you an insight.

Hmmm, just had a call from DH who said he had been avoiding talking to me as he knew I would get upset and he doesn't have time to deal with it. Not sure why he called in that case...

I don't feel like anything has been sorted. We just seem to argue every time we speak. I don't really like him very much at the moment tbh.

I don't need a reply - it's just good to write it down.

I can really sympathise with you PhoebeLaura, its not how marriage is supposed to be. My DH works rediculous hours also, I feel like a single parent a good deal of the time, albeit with financial benefits although I would rather have DH. I would only go to your parents if you really want to go, as in not to teach him a lesson or get him to miss you. I think men who don't devote much time to their marriage probably don't really care if the wives are there or not. They are doing what makes them happy, work, work, work. Sorry if your DH is not actually like that but certainly I could go whenever, wherever and it it would do in my case is take pressure off DH to even come home. Perhaps the best thing to do is to get yourself involved in some kind of hobbies or work and try to surround yourself with friends and a support network. Its the best we can do if our men are not around. I do however realise that this is easier said than done when you are feeling so alone and unhappy (voice of ongoing experience). How old is DC?

I understand this all too well.

Dh works like a Trojan, and there have been times when his sole focus is work and that gets very depressing. It's a vicious circle, because then when someone does come home they're greeted by a grumpy lonely spouse so they start to see staying at work as the more relaxing option.

If I had parents I'd be going to stay with them like a shot. I don't think you're deserting your dh, I think you could pitch it to your dh that you've been feeling a bit down and you really need a bit of being looked after for a few days, plus of course the grandparents want to get to see ds.

From my point of view, I feel better when I have some things going on, rather than relying on dh for conversation. At the weekends he's (generally!) fine, but on a weekday evening when he rolls in at 9pm he just shovels in his dinner and grunts.

I do sometimes wish that I'd married a farmer, but I bet they come with their own problems too!

Hi Phoebe, I'll come at this from a different angle. I'm a single parent and
reading this, I'm sorry to say, has made
me feel very glad that I am! What does your H do, I would guess a lawyer or banker. And how old is DS? There's a price to pay if you're with someone in a profession like this, but it seems you simply have NO LIFE AT ALL with him. I have never been attracted to high-achieving materialistic men for this reason.

You really need to say to him calmly that he needs to make time to talk with you, because you feel the marriage is taking second place to his career. You could also mention his relationship with his son (I assume he doesn't really have one). Don't allow yourself to be fobbed off. But Stradivarious has a point, some men live to work and will never change.

And some women are content to be in this situation because of the financial rewards. You don't seem to be that sort of woman so you need to try to change things. It's good that you don't get angry anymore, and you had every right to, but you must continue to let him know how you feel. And just to say I hope it all works out, but if it doesn't, being single has a number of huge advantages and is better in anycase than being in an ongoing unhappy situation with a partner.

Another voice of empathy here.

It is hard, but if you want to sort things out the best way of doing it is making home a haven when he does come back. It will help him relax and would be better for you too as a tension diffuser if your precious little time together wasn't spent arguing or in silence. If he is under tremendous pressure the smallest things will bring the barriers back down and then you're getting nowhere. I may be a lone voice here, but I have found going off to my parents has only ever made me more miserable because I didn't feel as though I was getting away from it all, I just spent the whole time brooding and wanting to go home and sort things out. It may not be very liberated of me to suggest this, but sometimes you have to be the 'bigger man' and not fight fire with fire but instead try a bit of placatory behaviour for a bit. Just don't get sucked into being a subservient wife over the long term, that's the only danger.

Thanks for all your responses. I have thought it over and have decided I'm not going to go to my parents only because I think I would be doing it for the wrong reasons - ie. to get back at him and prove a point, and I just don't think that is going to help matters at all. Our problem is lack of communication so me not being here is only going to make things worse.

We've been together since Uni so although I knew he would have a professional career I guess I never realised the impact it would have on our marriage, especially once we had DS. I respect him for his wish to provide for us but he is not providing emotionally and he doesn't seem to see that. If I say anything of this sort he goes mad and says that he would love to stay at home all day but we have a mortgage to pay and he's working for our benefit. He's not a horrible man, he's a good guy and a good father but I need a husband who is there for me.

My DS is 15 months and so I am kept busy with him plus I have an amazing network of friends, a busy 'Mum life' in the day and I do some freelance work from home in the evening to keep my hand in and to give me something to do when I'm alone. I'm certainly not sitting at home all day wishing my husband was not in the office. I know I could go back to work myself but it is not what either of us want for our son at the moment and we always planned for me to be a SAHM for the early years.

Last night when he called he said that he was really angry that I didn't thank him enough when he came home from work the other week to babysit while I went on a rare night out with the girls. He had offered to do it and brought work home with him. I had thanked him but apparently I didn't show enough appreciation of what he had done. He was also angry that he 'had to' do some DIY last weekend when I could have done it during the week as I don't work (although I can't imagine how DIY and a 15 month old would go together ). I pointed out that it wasn't something I had asked him to do and he was under no pressure to do anything but he wouldn't accept that. He just seems to be so irrational about everything at the moment. I can only assume it's stress.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman I take your point about not fighting fire with fire but if I stay quiet what kind of a married life am I going to have? I'm not sure I can put up with years of this.

My DH used to do this. He worked long hours in the city, came home and worked, snapped at me, hardly saw DD. It wasn't all bad, but whenever he was stressed he simply became withdrawn, impatient and grumpy. It was Not Fun.

Blame it on hormones, but when I was pregnant with DS, I snapped. He was grouchy once too often, managed to break the shower in temper when it wouldn't work, and then shouted at me.

That was it! I yelled that no-one had the right to speak to me like that and if he did it again I would be off (no idea where to - no plan, but boy, did I mean it. I had money in the bank and I would have gone! That night!)

He was mortified, came grovelling to me and apologised, said he knew how unreasonable he'd been, that he couldn't seem to help it etc etc. I listened, then repeated that I didn't care how stressed he felt, he must not yell at me.

Touch wood, and 23 years later, he hasn't . So my advice is, put down a marker. Tell him you are not to be treated like this. Family deserve to be treated Better than anyone else, not Worse and always last in line for care and consideration. He needs to respect you. You are his wife and the mother of his child. He should never take that for granted.

yes you must get hard with him.

People get caught up in their work. Whilst it's reasonable to assume people in high level jobs might have short term bursts of working like this, working long term like this is not sustainable for you or for him.

Put your foot down and insist he doesn't treat you this way. It's no life for you or for ds and really is not acceptable at all.

Show him this thread if necessary.

I cannot think what job he has that he is always working this way. I would wonder, if I was you, if something else was going on (sorry).

he is a " good father" who needs to be given special thanks for coming hoem from work on an evening to babysit his own son?

hmm.

you could use his money to pay babysitter when you want to go out. you could also agree to pay a DIY man/lady too.

if the benefit of his work if financial gain then use that money for babysitters, housekeepers, handyman...

i wouldnt call him at work for relationship discussions tho - as someone who works that is highly irritating - but you could call or email to ask - please can we arange a date night to go have dinner ?

being with someone who is never there is far more difficult than being a single mother . i was always miserable with a partner who worked til all hours then came home and was stressed and angry. coulndt rely onhim for babysittingeither - in the end that and many other issues made it unsustainable.

if he works long hours but then makes up for it in other ways when he is at home then fine..

you say he is a good guy -= maybe list his good points and why you want to continue with him (for yourself not for whole of MN)

and what practical things could help change the situation - then give those to him.