Anyone succesfully come back from the brink of divorce? Think im deluding myself here.

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Long story but have been seperated for aprox 16 months due to various problems. I think we both assumed it would be temporary and that we would eventually sort things out. We still saw each other and spent time with the dcs and we would often discuss reconsilation, and it seemed as though we would when we were both ready too.

I noticed a few months ago that he seemed to be ok with the situation and started to mention divorce. He also commented that he felt we had never been right for each other and that we would both be better off with other people.

Of course i found out he had met someone , was heartbroken. Now he wants to proceed with a divorce. I am heartbroken and dont want this.Clearly he is besotted with ow and enjoying his single life.

We have talked about the difficultys ahead with a divorce and he has suggested using relate . Hes so okay and eager about it.
Its going to happen isnt it, not sure how to proceed.

Oh, bless you, I'm so sorry

It is really hard to come back from the 'limbo' of separation - you sort of settle into the routine of being semi-detached, then something else happens to change things yet again and it's all really draining!

The thing is, everything has already changed. There's no going "back" to what you were before: the separation has happened, you've lived with that for a while, and now he's met someone else. Even if his affair goes wrong and you were to try for a reconciliation, it would be very difficult. You can't erase history, so you would both have to commit to creating a whole new marriage together.

I know. It's a bummer.

Isn't it weird how little we know about divorce? We can all make a decent guess at how to organise getting married, but the other side is a complete mystery! So my first advice to you is to get yourself an up-to-date divorce book. Most of them have pretty good sections on what to expect emotionally, how to manage things with family and so on, as well as the nitty-gritty details you need to know. It's really helpful to have guiding information; makes you feel more in control.

It sounds very much as though he's looking to "detach with love" and, while that may change in time to come, it'll be best if the pair of you can manage to look after each other & your DCs as well as possible - without selling yourself short, of course!

I'm sorry for the disappointment you feel right now. Hope you've got a friend and a bottle of something comforting nearby.

Thanks for the reply.
I know theres no going back to how things were, i wouldnt want to. But, i thought it might be possible to have something new. We have both behaved badly in the past, for me this time has been about reflection,seeing where we went wrong ect and perhaps trying to rectify this.

For him its been about rediscovering the joys of other women. Honestly thought we were heading towards getting back together.
I suspect ow will be having a pull here, and there is so much damage done.

Perhaps he is right. Ive no intention of begging or pleading but honestly never thought we would be getting divorced.

Well, anything's possible! I think you would need to remain very cautious, though, if his current relationship goes wrong. It would be quite natural for him to think first of you, if that happened ... but getting back together on the rebound could spell disaster and a whole lot more heartache.

There is only one good piece of advice in your situation (on top of getting the book!) It is essential that you take care of you. Yes, remain as friendly and as reasonable as you can with your husband - but make every effort to shift your focus on to yourself (and DCs, of course). The more thought you expend on him, what he's doing and/or the state of your marriage, the more you will deplete yourself. Instead, you need to be boosting yourself!

Fill your life up with people you enjoy; pick up activities you've dropped or never got around to. Give yourself treats. Eat the perfectly healthy diet. Get a new hairdo. Fix your look. Be gorgeous, be busy, be happy!
You can do it