Advice about how to deal with a sulking bf...

[sulkee]

My BF is a great Dad to our 18 month old DS and has a heart of gold, is great fun and loves me, but I am slowly being driven mad by him! He is controlling me and just cannot see it with his sulking. I am losing more and more respect for him as each day passes that I have to deal with his sulking fits and feel like his Mum, not lover. I never feel like having sex with him although we both want more children, I'm wracked with guilt most of the time and feel like I can do nothing right.

He sulks if he does not think I'm giving him enough love and attention, he sulks if I take the mick out of him (although he is allowed to take the mick out of me), he sulks if he feels put upon to do any chores, he sulks if he feels threatened by contact with male friends (i.e. contacting people on Facebook) and sulks if I have an opinion on something which is different from his and then voice it.

I love him, and I realise he is insecure about stuff from his past, but I cannot cope any more with feeling that I cannot make him happy and that everything is my fault. The worst thing is that whenever I confront him about his behaviour he denies he is sulking, and manages to turn it around so it is me being unreasonable. If he says something to upset me he often flat denies saying whatever it is he has just said; his behaviour is starting to make me doubt my sanity, and I often feel so angry. I never used to have a temper, but now feel like I could blow up at any point, and am so scared of this affecting my parenting.

He professes that he loves me deeply and makes me feel like bad because I don't love him enough or voice it enough, he even said when I was pregnant that he would kick me out and our baby would stay with him if I was ever unfaithful; this haunts me now and makes me feel sick, but he could not see the problem with this when I bought it up, unless, of course, I'm thinking about being unfaithful.

Help Mumsnetters! Any ideas of how I can cope with this? I really want to stay with him as I feel deep down we could have a great relationship and we have got a wonderful, balanced DS, but I feel he is driving me away and he cannot see it.

Didn't want you to go unanswered and I'm sorry to say it, but this is mild emotional abuse of a sort. Just cooking dinner, but will be back later to quote you a chunk from the Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that?" - it's all very classic behaviour, particularly the turning it back to you, and sulking at the slightest thing. It's very wearing and hard to live with in my experience.

I'm not sure how best to advise you to deal with it - what happens if you stand up to him and say you aren't prepared to tolerate his sulking, and to come back to you when he's ready to talk?

Thanks, thought maybe I'd posted too long a message for anyone to bother wading through!

When he's over a sullking fit and I bring it up, he can be joky about his sulking and say he will try not to in the future, and showers me with love, but it's back to the same old behaviour patterns eventually. As is often the case in many relationships I think, things are really good when they are good and I often accept his apology and let it go, as I then feel like I've been making too much of a fuss when things were bad. I often feel I may have imagined it or over-reacted.

If I confront him about it when he is in a mood, he will deny being in a mood vehemently, and then say that me accusing him of sulking has put him in a bad mood now... carte blanche to carry on sulking then, and it's become my fault... arrrgh!

He can see exactly what he is doing and he is doing it on purpose. He is not sulking he is withdrawing approval and affection from you to force you to do what he wants. Its not that he is trying to drive you away its that he believes he has more rights than you in the relationship and that your feelings don't matter.
[bucket of cold water emoticon]
Sorry if that seems harsh but being in the process of standing up to an emotionally abusive husband you have to recognise that he is making a choice to react this way in order to control you because he feels he has a right to.
There is no easy answer but I too would recommend the Lundy Bancroft book. You cannot fix or change him all you can do is change the way to respond to him. I have set very clear boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour and I will not let DH get away with stepping over those boundaries. Its hard and you have to believe in yourself and not rely on your OH to make it alright or make you feel better.
If DH tries to blame me I refuse to accept it and just keep pointing out that his bad behaviour is unacceptable bullying and entirely his choice. Further he has no right to try and bully me as we are equals and I have an equal right to say what I want, do what I want and expect respect and kindness.
Its tough and I don't know where it will end up.
Please stop trying to excuse his behaviour I don't care how insecure he is or how bad his past experiences that does not make it acceptable for him to bully you.
Good luck

Right, here are some characteristics of an EA man from p145 of my Lundy bible - how many can you tick? (I can tick most of them with my ex!!)

Sarcasm /ridicule

Distorting what you say or what happened in an earlier interaction

Sulking

Accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks

Using a tone of absolute certainty & final authority

Interrupting

Not listening, refusing to respond

Laughing out loud at your opinion/perspective

Turning your grievances round to use against you

Changing the subject to his grievances

Criticism which is harsh, undeserved or frequent

Provoking guilt

Playing the victim

Smirking, rolling eyes, contemptuous expressions

Yelling, shouting, swearing

Name calling, insults, put-downs

Walking out, or threatening to leave you

Physical intimidation, blocking doorway, towering over you etc

OP - from what you have posted, I can tick most of the list that ccbb has posted. He is controlling you with his actions - I think that the threat he used so long ago re your baby is particularly nasty, and this is clearly at the back of your mind (that would be very unlikely to be supported by the Courts of course)

I can count nine of those - he is never intimidating, it would kind of be easier if he was,

I've read your posts properly tonight and feel supported and like I'm not going insane... I had a big talk with him earlier as he came home from work not moody or sulky, and it immediately made him retreat again, and he even started rolling his eyes and acting incredulous, but I stuck to my guns and said I was beginning to doubt my sanity, but that this was how I felt and we need to deal with it.

Not a perfect response from him; he still guilt-tripped me, but he's agreed to go to couple counselling. I feel exhausted now, and scared, and it's only really dawned on me the last few days the brevity of the problem.

Mistlethrush - I want to bring up the comment he made when I was pregnant if we do make it to counselling because I don't think he knows what damage it's done, but I don't fel confident enough to do it at home. I went through 2 divorces as a child and the thought of arguing over DS in the courts petrifies me and makes me very sad for my DS - I hope it never comes to that. But it was a horrible threat to make, I know that.

Things feel a bit more positive tonight, but I know the sulking will come back very soon...

ChazsBarmyArmy talks a lot of sense and I agree with everything she has said.

What fantastic progress - well done.

I had the feeling that was important to you. If necessary, write something down, in your own time, so that you can take it with you to the Counselling session.

Do get the counselling sorted out as soon as possible - and please don't let him go back on his commitment.

he sounds quite childish and very manipulative.
i would completely ignore any sulking behaviour, and treat any attempt to draw you back into the sulking or stropping as if it is a ridiculous idea. ie if he sulks because you have a minor difference if opinion, and tries to draw you into it, remind him firmly that all you did was express your opinion, no crime was committed, and that he can give you a shout when he understands you have a right to your won opinion.
if, post sulk, he tries to win you over with physical/sexual emotion tell him that his sulky behaviour is a complete turn off, and point out that just because he is trying to be nice now does not change the fact he has been an idiot.
alternatively dump him. i'd rather have a failed relationship behind me than be stuck in a miserable, emotionally abusive relationship.

sulkee,

If you have counselling you need to go on your own. He woun't likely ever go to see a counsellor anyway (because at heart he does not think he has done anything wrong).

Many people too have had awful childhoods but they do not act like this so you cannot use that as any "justification" for his behaviour now.

This is about power and control; he wants both over you. Bet you a pound to a penny he does not bahave like this around anyone else; you cop all his abusive crap instead. Problem here is that your relationship is a abuse circle; when times are good is it okay but he soon reverts back and always reverts back to such sulking behaviour. If you had a long and hard think about it I reckon you cannot really recall the good times lasting very long.

There are both elements of him controlling you and emotional abuse in this relationship. You need to realise too that controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours.

He made an awful controlling threat to you when you became pg - btw no court in the land would make him the primary care giver. His threat was an empty one designed to keep you in line to his way of thinking.

You are also not there to rescue and or save him. Also you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

No counsellor worth their salt would actually counsel you both due to the underlying emotional abuse present in your relationship.

You need to consider your child in all this as well because he will pick up on all sorts of lessons from both of you.

Will he change - no. In anything such control escalates over time. So you longer term need to decide what you want out of life; if you stayed with this man your child won't ultimately thank you for doing so.

I would also recommend you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

AttilatheMeerkat, I completely see your point, and all of you, I wish someone had given my Mum this advice years ago as she was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 7 years. I know this will make some of you scream in frustration, but I want to give bf the benefit of the doubt, as he is nowhere near as bad as my Mum's ex, and he is a genuinely nice person, but needs to sort his sh!t out basically...

He admitted last night he knows our relationship is suffering because of his behaviour and wants to do what it takes to make it work, so I am hoping counselling will nip this mildly abusive behaviour in the bud before it potentially gets any worse if left ignored. I also hope it will give me the strength to do the right thing if it does not stop.

I'm going to check out the book you've all recommended as well.

Your man may not be as "bad" (this is probably why you have used the words "mildly abusive") as your Mum's ex but from the outside looking in it does not look good for you at all with regards to him. I know you love him and all that but sometimes love is just not enough. Abuse is abuse; no-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

History does have a habit of repeating itself. You do not ultimately want to go down the same trodden path that your Mum did. It took her seven years to leave after all. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, you were imparted damaging lessons by them.

Anyway if he is serious about sorting out his issues rather than paying lip service to the problem (actions do speak louder than words, remember that) then he needs to do so of his own volition. You cannot make him sort his own self out, this is what I meant when I wrote that you could well be acting here as his rescuer and or saviour in a relationship.

You are not responsible for him.

Set your own self a time limit re him. I would say that three months maximum will be enough time to tell you whether he meant what he said or not, you would know in less time than that. My guess is he does not want to really sort himself out but has said what he has to keep you in line. If he has not altered his behaviours towards you then you know he does not really mean it.

As mentioned too, joint counselling is an absolute no here due to the ongoing emotional abuse he metes out in your direction. As I also said before he likely does not act the same way towards his employers or friends. Abusers too are very plausible to those in the outside world, it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Have ordered the Lundy Bancroft book, and have set a time limit in my head of three months for things improving on his side. It's difficult sticking to this as he's been the model bf since Thursday (always model Dad), but I will try. I always find it's when things are going well that I lose inpetus and forget what it's like when he's sulking.

He is now doing the usual circle of abuse thing here i.e nice then nasty. Its just soooo predictable. He will not ultimately be able to keep up his model behaviour because his true nature will eventually emerge.

He will start sulking eventually when you do or say something he does not agree with.

One of my H's favourite tools towards me is the 'silent treatment'. If I get 'drawn in', which I do my best not to nowadays, then I end up being like the crazy one (I think he at this time like the 'water torturer' in the Lundy Bancroft book). It does make you very resentful towards someone doing that to you in the end.