Problems in relationship all my fault

[DSM]

My DP and I have a wonderful relationship. He is one of the most caring, loving, genuine people you could meet, and we are happy.

We, like every couple, have arguments. However, most of these arguments are my fault. I am hugely over sensitive. The smallest thing can send me to tears. I cried for an hour because he hung up his coat before kissing me when he came home one day. He didn't take the bin out when I asked him to, and I cried. If we are watching a film and a female celeb I know he likes comes on, I turn it off or go in such a mood that I won't even look at him. Very silly little things happen, and I am unable to talk, I sit with my head down and just feel so everwhelmingly upset.

It is inconsistent, one day he can make a little joke and I will retort and we will have a little banter, the next day he can make the same joke and it will have me in floods of tears.

He has a slight temper, non aggressive, and he gets frustrated and angry as I don't speak, he can ask me constantly whats wrong and I just won't speak, and raises his voice at me which then makes me cry.

It's getting so bad now that he says he feels like he is abusing me, as I sit on the floor with my head down and when he gets angry I cry. He is getting so upset by my behaviour, and I know I need to change but I don't know how.

I don't know why I do this. When things are good, they are really good, and this doesn't happen often, but it is starting to become more and more regular and I want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to argue.

He is such an amazing man, I am so scared that I am going to drive him away.

Sorry... it's a bit long I know.

Can anyone offer any advice? I have nowhere else to turn.

you need to go and see a counsellor either together to Relate or on your own - e.g. to CBT type therapy .

if it is jsut with him then therpay/counselling.

if it is with other people as well then also therapy but maybe see GP too.

in any case GP can refer you to counselling on NHS.

Can you think back to where this all really started with you?.

You sound like you have really low self esteem and worth; you can change but you will need to put the emotional work in. I think you can do this if you really want to.

BACP also have a list of counsellors and they do not charge the earth. I suggest BACP as the waiting list for NHS counselling can be very long indeed and you need help sooner rather than later.

I don't know when this started. A while ago. Years ago. I've been like this for a long time.

I am a confident person, I am loud, outgoing, happy and exude self assurance most of the time. I am a confident mother and, professionally I am a manager and have no problems with confidence issues there.

I don't know why I act like this. It is just with him, I wouldn't ever act like that in front of someone else. I can remember when I was young, getting a row from my parents and doing the same behaviour. Sitting with my head down, not speaking. Not feeling able to talk.

Sorry - meant to add that I would really not want to go for counselling. I find it hard to open up and be honest about how I feel with people face to face. Very hard.

I had a feeling that this stemmed from childhood. You don't like any form of conflict or argument as it terrifies you so.

"I can remember when I was young, getting a row from my parents and doing the same behaviour. Sitting with my head down, not speaking. Not feeling able to talk"
That is a very telling comment in its own right. Did your parents shout you down as a child?.

Are you repeating your own past here now with your man?. History has a danger of repeating itself.

You will not get past this on your own or without outside help. You've tried without outside help and its not working. It is not at all shameful to ask for outside help, it does not make you a weak person at all. Quite the opposite infact.

Yes, they did.. not often or patricularly badly, but I hate getting shouted at. I hate it, and I become withdrawn.

But it is happening without being shouted at - it is happening when he does something (or deosn't do something) that irrationally upsets me.

A friend of his asked him to go to the football yesterday. I went crazy inside, though kept it contained, and pretended I didn't know and completely manipulated him into staying in with me instead. Told him I was so excited to stay in together tonight etc.. total manipulation. Until he text back and said he couldn't come.

I don't want him anywhere but with me. I don't like it when he goes out (very rarely that he does) and stress and freak all night. I get far too upset when he wants to watch a programme instead of talk to me.

I don't want to be like this.

I know counselling sounds like a good idea, I just can't at the moment, I couldn't. I need some practical advice for now.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

DSM

re your comment:-

"I know counselling sounds like a good idea, I just can't at the moment, I couldn't"

At least you now acknowledge that counselling is a good idea. What does your man think about this idea?. Has he previously suggested you seek outside help?.

Did you at heart think that if your man went to the football he would go off with another woman whilst he was there?. You know this is unhealthy but you must deal with this now otherwise you will end up driving him away and thus fulfilling your own self made prophecy that you are not somehow good enough for him. Is this what you were taught as a child, that you were somehow not worthy enough?.

However, saying, "you just can't at the moment, I couldn't" - I would actually ask why?. You become your own worst enemy by uttering such things.

You will need to confront your demons head on at some point and the time to do so is now. The longer you leave it the harder it will be for you.

Am not certain at all what other practical advice can actually be given, this is a very deeply rooted problem you have.

I agree with the others, counselling is the way forward. I went to counselling but for a different issue. I've always found opening up very hard and I won't lie to you, counselling wasn't always "easy" when you're working through difficult issues that you've stuffed down inside. But I'm really glad I did it and I don't think you can really go on like this.

I suppose I am scared that he will find someone else.. someone better? He is truly such a wonderful man that I just keep thinking he'll find someone better.

I was never told as a child that I was good at anything, quite the opposite really. I've never understood why. I can't recall being told that I had done something well. My ideas or desires were always laughed off and it's given me no confidence in my abilities. I never went to university, I never followed the career path I wanted as it was laughed off by my parents. I wish I was the kind of person to 'prove them wrong' but seemingly, I wasn't.

I am sucessful in my job but my parents have never cared as it's not a profession they see as a 'proper' job.

I currently am looking into possibly starting a course at university, but I am too embarrassed at being laughed at that I can't tell my parents. DP is unbelievably supportive but I always think he is just trying to be nice and doesn't really think I can do it.

DP has never suggested I get help, I imagine he would be supportive but I just don't feel like I could talk openly at the moment.

DSM, I think counselling is probably one of the only ways that is going to help you effectively.

In fact, your fear of counselling is possibly indicative of this, because counselling signifies change - and there's a part of you that doesn't want to change because it gets something out of this behaviour (and this part will, I think, be unconscious - you won't even be aware that it's there).

If you really want to change, one day you'll take the steps to do so, as uncomfortable and fearful as they will make you feel. You will face the fear no matter what you feel it holds for you.

If you're not ready to change, then that's your call too. However, behaviours like these, even if they don't escalate, can create ruptures in your relationships that get more difficult to repair as time goes on.

If you were posting about the behaviour of your DH instead of your own you would have been told that he is controlling and emotionally abusing you.

Without counselling, how do you see your behaviour changing?

RollBauble that's exactly what I was just about to say.

OP - you really, really do need to try to consider counselling. You say you are scared that your DP will leave you which is part of what causes your behaviour. The problem, though, is that if you don't address this it is possible that your behaviour will drive him away or change your relationship to one where neither of you can share what you really feel.

If you are in a managerial position, would it be possible for you to pay for counselling rather than wait? If so, you could choose a therapist you feel would be appropriate for you and may find that this may help you to open up.

What I did was to pick a private counsellor who wasn't based where I was, who I had no connections with and so I'd never have to see again. Which I found far easier.

Its your life but you know your behaviour is not normal and likely to drive your husband away if you keep it up. I'm not sure what else you're looking for us to say.

BTW my OH doesn't know I had counselling and doesn't need to know so you don't have to tell your parents or DP if you went.

This is deep routed insecurity but by your own admission is irrational behaviour. Agree with others that counselling would be beneficial.

You say that you don't want him anywhere else but with you and that you manipulate the situation so that he is with you. Does that not then make you question that if you had not manipulated the situation would he have done something else? Don't take that the wrong way but have a think about it. If he wants a night out with friends it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you - it just means he wants to catch up with his friends. It sounds to me like a rejection thing - perhaps the way you felt about the way your parents treated you.

Earlier you said that you don't have low self esteem but seems pretty clear from later posts that you do.

The more pressure you put on DP the more likely you are to drive him into someone else's arms, you are in danger of making the thing you fear most happen through your behaviour. Then..the bit inside of you that said you weren't good enough will have one. Don't let that part win.

If you can't face a counsellor (fear of being judged presumably?) get yourself some CBT self help for self-esteem materials off the net and see if DP will work through them with you?

Some therapists will work via email and/or telephone if you want to try that way.

babcp.com for CBT therapists...

won...not one..

BACP has good lists of counsellors. And yes, some do email or phone. Some will do it in the same room, but not facing each other, if that makes it easier for you.

I think being unable to open up and talk to someone directly about this, face to face, is a symptom of the problem.

Another option could be saneline, I've heard good things about them. They are more directed than the Samaritans, and you can speak to the same person every week if you want. It's only over the phone. Here is their website.

Here is info about saneline itself.

You are trying to control him. It's not you that is being abused here, if anyone it's him.

You could get counselling or you could just stop acting like a little girl to manipulate him into feeling guilty and behaving the way you want.

YOu could start with some self help books on CBT and improving your self esteem so you understand how to change your thought patterns, stop catastrophising thoughts that make you feel upset and insecure and stop repeating the way you behaved as a child.

At least you recognise what you're doing is self destructive and could destroy your relationship. Start by reading and then make an appointment for counselling, alone or together.

I do agree with skidoodle however - its no wonder your DH runs out of patience.

You desperately need counselling. If you don't get help, your relationship is going to become impossible, and it sounds like it's escalating very quickly. What you're going through is very distressing for him too, even though you don't feel like you can control it.
I lived with someone who responded inappropriately, and it felt very abusive. You can't do this on your own - see a counsellor.

Thank you all so much for replies. Will try some of the online things suggested. Will be back properly to reply just on iPhone ATM
Thank you