Advice please! DH spent HUGE amount money without consulting me and we are already in debt. Think this may run deep..

[Falling]

Discovered last night (opened car 'brochure' addressed to us both, DH still at work)that DH had bought a new (brand new) car. Without telling me or discussing. We were talking about getting a replacement car as ours is 17yrs old and getting too expensive to run but had had multiple discussions as to what/used/cost etc. He would be the main driver and is more interested in cars but I had made it v. clear I wanted to be involved.
The money side is bad as we are already in significant debt but the main issue for me is the betrayal of trust. We had it out when he got home and he was unable to give me a reasonable explanation. He just wanted to "have some control". He is the main earner and has plenty of control over his life, in my opinion (I work PT and child care provider. I am shocked and upset. And feel just lost. I have always felt communication and trust are vital, and whilst it is not as if he has had an affair, this seems horribly lacking?
He is coming up to 40 - is this some sort of midlife crisis? Does any one have any experience of counselling in such situations? Where do we go from here?

Oh no, that's awful! I don't know if I'd be more angry or upset if that happened to me.

Do you share finances and financial decisions generally, or has he always been a bit unilateral? Maybe he thinks he can spend his wages how he likes, or that if he'd discussed it with you you would have forced him to make a more sensible/ less exciting decision.

I don't have any advice really - does he know how upset you are about this? Has he been bad with money in the past?

I don´t drive so don´t really care what car husband buys-as long as we all fit in it!

But would be pretty cross if he got us in to debt for the sake of a car tbh.

Did he think it would be a nice surprise for you or something equally idiotic?

Has he had to act quickly to make use of the scrappage scheme? No excuse but he might have panicked and signed before engaging his brain.
He might also have been unable to say no to a good salesman. Perhaps he feels like a prize idiot now. Just when was he planning on telling you?

Does he realise how incredibly stupid he's been, has he apologised?

The "having some control" factor is the worrying thing tbh. I'm sure you can get to grips with this without having to involve counselling - people do daft things occasionally and while it was selfish and foolhardy to do this without consultation, it's not that serious in the grand scheme of things.
Dis he actually know if you can afford this car? My DH knows absolutely nothing of our finances, he's not interested and everything is written down in a book in case something should happen to me, he doesn't even know how many accounts we have and has no idea of passwords for online banking etc. He knows enough not to make a large purchase without my say so though!

The control thing is odd.

OP-why did you want to be involved with the buying of the car when he is the main driver?

Would you not trust him to pick something suitable?

I think it's the money side - it's an expensive purchase and they're in debt.

OP?

I'd want to be involved in the choice even if not main driver, esp if joint funds are being used.

My DH will NEVER do joint finances. At first this bothered me then when I saw the crazy nature of his spending and debt (despite good salary) I was glad to have my money separate.

Has this money come out of a joint account or has he taken a loan (secured or unsecured) If it's a loan, is it in his name alone or joint names?

What will have to be sacrificed to pay for the car, has he traded in / sold the old one? Just trying to see if it looks like he's thought this through.

I'd be furious about this. He can have control over the things that only affect him. Joint consequences = joint decisions.

I have a friend whose DH behaves like this all the time... she once came home to discover he had bought a plot of land with a view to building a house for them to live in....

He did build the house, and it was very lovely... but

Does he do this often, or is this the first time?

Maybe he is feeling miserable about being in debt... and just thought to hell with it... I know I sometimes buy things I can't afford really...

To answer q's:
We have separate accounts that our wages are paid in to but also a joint account for all household and joint stuff - which at the moment is pretty much everything. Even if not the main driver, I will still drive it most weeks and I still think I should have some say not only in the make/model but also the whole new/used/cost issue.
He is most definitely aware of our debt and finances. We have even had to go cap in hand to our parents (and god knows how I am going to face them with new car). The money/credit for the car is, I think, in his name but tbh this is pretty immaterial as any spare cash for either of us is supposed to be being spent clearing debt.
And yes, he has traded in our old car (my car, infact!) although it is worth next to nothing which I am sure is what he got for it.

This is the first time he has done this although he has always been more impulsive than me.

I suspect Whizzy is at least partly right with the 'to hell with it' thought - but not sure that is a good enough excuse. It's one thing buying a pair of shoes you can't really afford but a new car (and not a 'cheap' little hatchback)...

I know I am taking this hard but I really think something that has such an impact on both of us (financially and driving!) should be discussed and agreed on. If he had felt so strongly re. said car, then I expect I could have been persuaded. I am so hurt that he didn't even try, he knew my feelings and rather than try to discuss it, risking resistance, he just went ahead and did it.

It feels like a lack of respect for me and our relationship.

If I was driving as well I would also expect to have input.
I would expect to test drive tbh.

If you have to compromise, does it usually go more your way or his iyswim?

Does sound like a midlife crisis though.