update

[Forthebestagain]

Hello everyone,
I thought I would update and maybe ask for some more advice.

As you know OH finally left 12 days ago and since then the DC and I have sort of settled into a pattern of work and school. I am so looking forward to halfterm though when I feel like I can actually spend some time with them. What with working I barely see them till 6 when I pick them up from afterschool club.
So I am weak and pathetic and feel really odd about us being apart, its so much harder then I thought. Looking after the DC and working is the easy bit its my memory of him that is warped I think as all I can remember is good stuff. I haven?t spoken to OH for a few days and the last conversation we had he basically repeated that he wanted to sort things out with me and to move home etc. I said that I wasn?t sure what was going to happen I needed to think etc and he needs to go and sort himself out.

So, I phoned him about an hour ago to see how he felt after his blood test results ( whihch have come back normal !! ) and to see whether he has had his hospital tests yet. He was in the pool hall with his mates !!!!!!

I am really, really pissed off and I don?t know why. I know I don?t really have a right to be. I have chucked him out of his home and left him hanging basically, I know that. BUT you would think that he would be out looking for work, or enrolling on courses or having his fg blood test not playing bloody pool !!

As soon as he said where he was I instantly got the arse, and said Oh fine I will leave you to it and more or less hung up so he knows Im peed off.

I don?t know why I phoned ?? I don?t know what I want and I don?t know if I have a right to be annoyed. I juts cant help thinking that I am working fulltime bloody hard, looking after 2 kids, running the home, paying for everything ( after school club alone has cost me £300 in the last 2 weeks as he isn?t picking them up anymore) and Im STILL being a mug somehow ???????????

What on earth is worng with me ??

Hello Forthebest - I've been following your story and I confess I am not an expert on relationship break-ups with children but for what it's worth, here are are some suggestions based on my own experiences.

Wean contact as much as possible...it will only hurt/confuse/infuriate you. You need to extricate your own feelings/reactions from what he's doing. I know it will not happen for you straight away but you will have to start distancing yourself from things like his blood tests and how he's feeling at any point during the day. This stuff is now his responsibility alone. that doesn't mean you don't care, but he can offer the information to you if it's that important to him. Give yourself lots of time and lots of space. The "new normal" is not going to establish itself overnight, and you will have to go through a grieving period, in a way, over the relationship & life lost. It is tedious but that's just the way it is. It is bound to feel hard right now but console yourself with the fact that it will get better with time and you have separated from him for very clear and important reasons. That being said, waffling is normal too. But it won't help anyone to entertain the idea of giving in to those feelings. You know this.

Stay strong and resolute. This too will pass. Good luck.

FTBA,

I am so very glad to read that he moved out, he was just a parasite and a malign ill prescence within your home. He truly brought nothing positive into your lives.

What made you phone him?. Well I think you still feel a degree of responsibility towards him hence you phoning him. However, you are not there to mother him or act as his mother/confidant etc.

Let him go and mess his own life up some more, he did a hell of a job on you and your daughters and you all need time and space away from him.

I think you have every right to be angry but he has always been irresponsible and you cannot and will not change his patterns of behaviour.

Perhaps too you did see him as a project i.e someone to rescue and or save, you need to be brutally honest with yourself here.

You have two children to look after, you do not need a manchild like him to run around after.

Well if he was that bothered, he would be picking the kids up after school.
Hang in there, you've done the right thing, it will take a period of time to adjust.

Why, after all you said about this man, would you be surprised he was playing pool instead of doing something responsible and behaving like a grown-up? There's nothing you can do about him or for him that will change him the slightest bit. You are well rid of him -- at least you now 'only' have the children under age 18 to take care of.

"He was in the pool hall with his mates !!!!!!" says it all really - he can cealry look after himself.

you dont need to any more.

tell yourself in your head that you wont even think about him coming into your home even to visit - for a good six months.

tell him if you like - that moving back is not a topic for disucssion at all for at least six months. so if he tries to talk about it you say - "i am not even discussing this until after the summer".

cutting all contact is the only way.

you are allowed to grieve for a relationship, for a mnarriage that wasnt to be, for somthing that could have been much better. just remember that it wasnt good with him and was never going to be. you are not grieving for him but for what you thought he could have been had he tried more etc...

being detached, disengaged..takes time but you will get there.

so that you dont care whether he is peed off with you or not - how he feels about you really doesnt matter any more.

just focus on you and kids. will you get some time off in half term?

mine will be in holiday club four days then taking off for a long weekend...bliss.

I agree with cestlavielife, she talks a lot of sense.

Cestlavie makes a very good point, you know, FTB - you'll be grieving for what you wished you had, not what it was really like!

When you get a moment, why not give a little thought to how you wanted that life to be - did you wish for family picnics, relaxed trips to the cinema, lazy Sunday mornings in bed with the kids? Put those elements back into YOUR life

The happier & more wholesome your home life becomes, the healthier you will be and the better your DC's chances of growing up as lovely as they deserve ...

All the best, Forthebest

It's no surprise to me he was in a pool hall, or that he took the hump when you criticised him. That's the person he is, as illustrated by years of behaviour.

I think you should just tell him that it's over, I don't know what is gained by telling him he can come back at some point in the future.

He is extremely unlikely to change, but you can change. Focus on that and your kids. Not him - or you'll end up giving your whole life to this abuser.

he thinks he can arse about with his mates and then go back to you when his friends all run out of good will. do tell him to fuck off!

take care and enjoy half term.