How can I learn to be single and stop wanting to call my Ex?

[VengefulKitty]

Some of you may know my background but had an abusive XP who now has a Court ordered injunction that says basically NO contact whatsoever and no coming within 25m of my home.

My problem is that I am a weak fucked up woman who is crap at being single and I am finding it so, so hard not to call him and tell him to just give me a cuddle.

It is not really him that I want, it is just comfort and intimacy, but because I was with him and deeply in love with him I cannot imagine those arms being anyone elses. And what doesn't help is that in court he was all Mr Nice and Charming - showing the man that I fell in love with and was all lovely.

The emergency injunction was granted at the beginning of Dec and was made permanent in Jan, so it has been a couple of months now.

But for all the shit bastard and good for nothing wanker that he is, I can't stop dreaming about him and day dreaming that I am in his arms...

Does that make sense?

Friends think I need another man, but I just can't imagine being with a man and tbh don't find anyone attractive at all at atm.

So how can I move on? How can I get over him?

Oh jeez I am pathetic

write down all the terrible things he has done to you. Then read it every time you want to call him.

It's not him you want, like you say. It's love. But you deserve a man who loves you, and someone who could hurt you doesn't love you.

It's hard to let go of your idea of how things 'should' have been. He should have been good to you, he should have loved you and treated you well, you should be a family.

But that's a fantasy. If you were back with him he'd do to you again what he did before.

Again, I suggest writing everything he did to you down. When your fantasy of him begins to sweep away the reality of your life with him, you can use it to bring yourself back.

write down all the things he did to you

keep it in your handbag, pull it out and read it when you need it

ring/email a friend instead

come on MN instead

do you have dc together ? Remember his negative effects on their well-being, go into their room when they are asleep and just remember how bad it really was

if you don't have dc with him, delete all contact details and mean it

and it is very early days indeed, this too shall pass eventually

Its a tough one. Try reading this book, it really helped me and its on amazon. It really helped me. good luck

Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends by Sandra S. Kahn

elastamum, I got that book too, it was brilliant! Thanks if it was you who recommended it to me, I can't remember

Yes - list is a good idea. I must do that.

I already have deleted all contact details and changed my numbers but I know his number off by heart, so kinda pointless.

No dc with him, but he was in DSs life from 11 months old. I try to remember first that it all scared DS and DS is also better off without him.

I feel like I have already burdened my friends too much although they are great - I just don;t want them to tire of it and therefore avoid me iykwim.

I come to MN every night but depending on my mood sometimes I find nothing to post on/read!

Oh 'tis a hard slog.... I hate feeling so needy!

I came out of an abusive relationship 2 years and 6 months ago and I have never, ever wanted to go back. Sometimes I do dream about a future I realise probably won't materialise, but no way is my x part of the future.

I agree, write down all the horrible things he did to you and all the ways he disrespected you.

Think about being on your own. Do you feel people judge you? are you lonely? Deal with that stuff.

It is better being on your own than being in a shitty relationship, or even a boring one. I can suit myself and I like it. I have my own plans. I can save what I like and spend what I like and I don't have to worry about anybody's disapproval now. I'd like more money, and a job! but Rome wasn't built in a day. Like you, I look at my life and can instantly identify what it is I think needs fixing. But don't berate yourself that everything isn't how you feel it should be. As pp said, you've done the hard bit.

Read that book that the pp recommends, it sounds perfect for you.

I am all for cutting the cord and breaking free.

Will certainly look into the book, thanks. I also still need to get another one that lots of MNers recommended - I think it was Lundy Bancroft??

List and book buying.

It might have been me chippy, it was the one book i read that really made a difference to how I approached life as a single mum

Oh VK, I read the title and thought it might be you, was hoping I would be wrong...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling.... second all the advice given too you and you KNOW who you can email don't you???????

It's like giving up smoking, but sadly you can't get a patch or gum for this one.

As I've said to you before, all you need is willpower, and actually, for all this to go away, and for you to give yourself time and space to heal, there is only one thing you need to do... and that is NOTHING! No calls, no emails, no Nothing!

You CAN and MUST do this, read your old threads, please? read the one you wrote that I sent you to keep you focused in BIM, my heart wept for you the day I first read that.

Your friends are chivvying you along and telling you to get a new guy, OK so that would distract you, but long term it wouldn't help you break the cycle of a tendency to abusive partners.

Buy the book, buy whatever book you feel resonates with you, email your friends whenever you need help/support, let us help you stay on the wagon . Do this for you, do this for your beautiful DS, so he can see a happy, respected and cherished mummy in the future, not a battered, withered and downtrodden one.

Whatever handle you need to hang on to, to keep away from that ex of yours, grab it with both hands and don't ever let go.

You WILL free yourself from him, you will see that it was the right thing to do and in time you will regain confidence in yourself and see what everyone else that knows you sees, that you deserve much better than what you've had up till now.

Ahem, so there is nothing to post on on MN??

You could start a thread in Chat.... VK's talk to me and keep my fingers busy thread...

OK perhaps not the catchiest title in the world, am not dominating the english language today....