32 wks PG, and DP might be leaving :(

[HazyEyes]

Sorry, this could turn into quite a long story so I'll try and edit.

I have posted on Mumsnet before, but I've namechanged.

DP and I have been together for 6 years. We have a DC of 3.5, and I'm 32 weeks PG. We have had problems in the past (his drug and debt problems, and when DC was tiny he left for a few months), but (possibly naively) I believed we could work it out. Before TTC DC2, we sat down and had a talk about what had happened in the past, and agreed that another child was what we both wanted.

We had an argument last week, (stemming from his late nights at the pub where he also works) and I made him tell me what the problem was. He-quite reluctantly-told me that his head is in a mess, he's not sure if this is the life he wants as there are things he wants to do but can't, due to having to work in a job he doesn't like to support us. He says that I 'Changed' when pregnant with DC1 (umm..hello?! Don't all pregnant women have to change a little bit?) and that he doesn't feel that we have been happy for the last 4 years. He says that at the moment he has no idea what he wants to do or if this is the life he wants although he still loves me and our DC.
Since saying all this, he's been acting perfectly normally
Our other issue is that neither of us can afford to move out right now, so it would probably be a case of me (and the baby) moving into DC's room and I'm not sure if I could cope. I keep thinking it's my fault for believing he could change in the first place

As you can imagine, I'm a little in a mess because baby is due in 8 weeks, and I'm suddenly facing the prospect of being a single mother of 2. Part of me agrees that we haven't been entirely happy for a while, and I get SOOOO angry when he spends all of his spare time and money drinking, but I wasn't expecting this.

I guess my question is- do I just wait around (like a mug) until he's made up his mind, and face coping with it all with a new baby, or do I make the decision now to do this on my own and give myself a bit of time to get things organised in my head?

thank you for reading. Any advice gratefully recieved.

PS I only have internet access at work, so may only be able to check this once a day or so.

xx

Sorry to hear this. But doesn't your dh realise he will still have to 'support' you and the dcs whether he lives with you or not?

TBH, I'm not sure how all that stuff works, at the moment we have an arrangement where he pays the rent and pays for food shopping, and I pay everything else. He's constantly complaining that he has no money and I think he'd probably plead poverty to try and pay as little as possible-would he get away with that??

we are in a very similar situation (crappy isn't it?) but I am not pregnatnt.

I have 2 dcs both under 4, and my DH is trying to figure out whether to stay or go.

I have no real advice to give you but want you to know that you are not alone in this.

what is your gut feeling telling you?

you dont need this.

has he got family who would take him in?

have you?

you should be chilling out now, preparing for the birth.

yes, everyone does change when pregnant, i was a nightmare!

he needs to be loving and supporting you, not bailing out.
kick his arse out!

Men, so bloody selfish. you poor love. you need to takre control and tell him to leave and sort himself out as you need to relax and prepare for your DC2, not be worrying about his needs. My DH can be the same, never happy with what they've got and thinking they deserve better in life. don't we all, except most women put up with the hand that life dealt them. how old is he, is he having midlife crisis or could it be depression, either way not nice for him, but its his problem not yours. you need to put yourself first right now. I am 29 weeks pregnant and my mood changes by the hour, they should understand that.

Ok, so this happened to me back in October following the birth of our DD.

I am 35 and DH is 33. We've been married 2 years in April and together 5 years last September.

My DH said exactly the same thing. He wasn't happy anymore, I've changed since having DD etc etc. But that he still loves us.

Well, a few months on and we still have our ups and downs. But mostly due to my suspicious nature. I was convinced that there was someone else. But now realise that for the first time in his life, he opened up to me about a real fear that he felt pushed out.

I believe that DH does still love me and he hasn't gone anywhere.

Maybe your DH is just getting scared about a new DC and remembering maybe how different and preoccupied you HAD to be with your DC1, he is worrying already that it will be like this again. And it will, it's a baby!

Just emphasise to him that it's an even bigger adjustment for you, with your own emotions and trying to look after 2 DC, so you need his support.

Hope that I am right and that he is just scared. I'm glad that DH raised it when he did, otherwise he may have waited four years aswell, but I really think it's a similar situation, he just waited longer to tell you...

Armbow- I keep changing my mind I sometimes feel like I want to sort it out because of all the stuff we have already been through, it would seem a waste of all those years otherwise... but I suppose I should know by now that he's not going to change, and all this stress can't be good for the baby. What is your gut feeling about your DH?

Motherlovebone- his parents live a long distance away and would take him in, but he would have to give up both jobs. Luckily my mum is fantastic and is being really supportive

Daisymoomin- he's younger than me (he's 26, I'm 31). When he freaked out last time with DC1, I kind of put it down to him being young and having to grow up fast, but he's had 3.5 years to do that now ffs!!

Hazy - do you think there might be someone else? He wouldn't be the first man having an affair to "generate" an argument that resulted in the "I'm just not happy" statement.

I have had suspicions. When I asked him he said 'I would never do that to you'... but I guess he wouldn't be the first man to say that and not mean it. I think maybe he has thought about it, there are girls that he works with on his facebook who are very flirty.. I told him I didn't like it and since then they all seem to have stopped posting stuff on there.

Oh my god, and I just being the biggest loser in the world by letting him get away with making me wait for an answer?

You are not a looser, but ehy don't you make a decision about whether or not you want to stay in this relationship instead of waiting around for his answer?

As you said yourself, he isn't going to change, and neither of you is particularly happy.

If you decide to leave, the finer details will sort themselves out, there is always a way.

Hazy, it might help if you take some time to properly and honestly answer the following questions:

Does this man enhance your life and is he good for you?

Do you enhance his life and are you good for him?

If the answer to either question is no, then there is no point continuing.

Remeber that even if a relationship ends, it doesn't dininish all the good times in the past that you have had together.

Thanks Overmydeadbody. TBH what I am utterly dreading is when DC2 is born and he is still behaving like an arse, and going out whilst I'm up in the night with 2 little ones. At least if I make the break now I'll have a few weeks to adjust...

(as you can tell I haven't been working much today... )

Would it change the picture for you, if he was having an affair? You see, the other thing I noticed is that he said he hadn't been happy for 4 years. This sounds rather like the "re-writing history" phase that many people having an affair do, in order to justify their actions. You, of course know different - you said that before conceiving this LO, you had a discussion during which you jointly agreed to have another baby. Would he have agreed to this if he really wasn't happy then? I think not.

If infidelity - and evidence of it - does change the picture for you, then turn detective and find out. Your DP clearly has an addictive personality given what you've said - and affairs are very often another type of addiction.

That is a very good point WhenwillI. Yes, it would. many times I have thought about looking at his phone, but I've chickened out for fear of what I might find.
I just wish I could organise my thoughts enough to come up with a plan. Just desperately trying not to lose it infront of DC (He saw me cry the other day and it really upset him). It's our anniversary this week too.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted. I'm going to make him sit down and talk to me tonight and give him two options... either he sorts himself out PROPERLY (ie seeing someone re his ongoing depression, stops going out drinking, supports me with this pregnancy) OR he f**ks off asap so that I can prepare myself for the baby coming and maybe stop feeling so stressed and awful all the time.

good for you.

too too stressful to carry on like this.

let us know how you get on