Sorry it's long. I've been with H for 16 years, married for 9, with one DC.
Although we have always had problems on and off, about 4 years ago I came to the conclusion that I could no longer have a proper relationship (as man and wife) with my H. Our physical relationship stopped, which was virtually non-existant anyway.
H tried to talk to me about it but I was so scared of what was happening I found it impossible to discuss it with him. I didn;t know how to say I don;t love you anymore.
For him this was a second marriage and I'd seen the heartbreak he went through the first time round, been step-mum to his kids etc. I couldn;t bear to put him through it again.
He's also the main wage earner although I work PT and I was frightened of how I would cope on my own.
Eventually 6 months ago the not talking and the pressure to try and put on an act all the time in front of friends and family got too much and I flipped and had an affair. I don't mean I was "forced" into it, I take full responsibility for my actions, I just regret it dreadfully.
When H found out he went ballistic (unsurprisingly) and threatened to chuck me out, and almost immediately filed for divorce.
I was in agreement that we should split - I have no feelings for H at all although I am deeply ashamed of what I've done.
The last 6 months have been hell and I carried on seeing the OM for a while which was just a disaster.
I'm trying to get myself together to move on, nearly there with the divorce etc now but as things have got towards a settlement H has got more and more abusive and angry. We still live together and I'm desperate to get out but can;t afford to go and am trying hard to put our DC first in all this and get H to see reason.
He is just blind with bitterness and anger when we speak most of the time and can't accept any responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship even though he knows it was broken already and the affair was not the cause.
I feel at rock bottom and don;t know how I'm going to make this OK for any of us especially DS. I'm so sad I couldn;t be the wife H wanted me to be, I feel worthless and have so little self respect left I am struggling to keep on top of things.
I'm scared of how I'll cope on my own and of not being able to communicate with H about DS in the future.
I need help but I don;t know which way to turn. It's difficult to speak to friends and family because of having had an affair, I'm so afriad everyone will judge me and say I've made my own bed etc.
But I need to sort myself out before this swallows me up.