First and last baby? Need some sense talking to me please

[lucky1979]

DH told me last night that he didn't really think he wanted another baby. We have one DD, and she's only very little (4 months) and there is no thought in my head of TTC yet, or at least for another year or so! It was just something that came up in conversation and he said that he didn't think he would want another as he is getting old (38, I'm 30) and wants to spend the next few years getting a better job and being able to provide the very best for DD.

I adore DD more than anything, and if she is going to be our only child then I think I'm very lucky to have her. But this morning I was sorting out some of her baby clothes and some of the ones which are now too small made me think I'll never have a tiny baby again. So I'm feeling a bit maudlin and unhappy, and need to pull myself together really! I just always thought we'd have two children as I am one of two.

Am I just being silly feeling this way, especially as DD is only 4 months old?

Did you discuss this with your dh before you had your dd? It sounds like this is a bit of a shock for you - but has he changed his mind, or has he always only wanted one child?

you will need to sit down and discuss it as a couple. Can't believe he thinks you're both too old at 38 and 30, but then I speak as someone who had her dcs at 37 and 39, and my dh is 6 years older than me!

I've never quite understood the "we want to give our one dc the best of everything, so we can't afford to have any more" argument. If you asked your dd when she's older, do you think she would have preferred a sibling or more expensive toys and holidays? But everyone's different I suppose. I was brought up not in poverty but in very tight financial circumstances - all our clothes were second-hand and we didn't go abroad on holiday till I was about 10 - but I can't imagine life without my brother and sister and I think my parents made the right decision. But I know I am preaching to the converted because it is your dh, not you, who doesn't want more dcs.

Sorry, long rambling post - just giving my opinion!

my advice is to leave this subject to one side for a few months until you are both less exhausted and have a good sleep routine back, then life will feel more normal again and he will be much more open to the idea of a second baby - at the moment he probably cant imagine life even more chaotic than it is now. my husband was choppy about the idea of another child a few months ago when we had our first baby, but since then hes come round to the idea! good luck.

I agree, just try to put this out of your mind for a few months and concentrate on enjoying being a family as you are. Everything is very new at the moment, let the dust settle before you discuss it.

I think if he is absolutely certain he will never want another baby you will have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you as he could put it off until next year, next year, next year and then you realise it is too late and you are left resenting him.

I realise this is a huge leap from your OP but it is something you need to think about carefully.

My FIL said no to MIL when she wanted a 3rd child as he said they could afford 2 better and she said to me not to not have another child because of money and I am sure she would have loved a third.

Pack the baby clothes away and put them in the loft for now. Maybe at a later date you can talk to him about it all.

4 months is hardly any time with a child to make a decision about whether to have any more, especially if you had both thought there would be more to come.

I have several friends who didn't want any more children who then got pregnant by accident, and I do mean accident, not accident

Also how would having another baby impact on him getting a better job unless he is to stay home and look after them, therefore meaning a career break.

I was one of 3 children an only ever wanted 2 because of my childhood experiences of roll out beds, the extra ticket on top of the family ticket, the holding of a siblings hand to cross the road because my Mum already held 2 etc etc. We have 2 children and then snip snip

To add to what TuttiFrutti said from the other side - I am an only child and my parents decided for "selfish" reasons not to have another (basically they felt old (at 30! but this was the 1970s) and they wanted to give the best life to me etc).

I haven't missed having a brother or sister purely because I have never known anything different.

So she probably won't resent you for not having a sibling for her - it certainly never crossed my mind that I had been short changed!

Lucky1979, I could have written your post hun.

My DD is 8 months old and DH has said that there is no way that he will ever have another child. He is only 33 (I am 35).

Now, in fairness, he was never keen on having any children, so I'm lucky that I've got my DD (who is my world by the way ) and after a traumatic birth with her, I never thought I'd want another one. But now, like you, the thought of never having another baby makes me desperately sad.

In our case, I think it may be because of the massive change it's made to our lives. DH and I have had some real problems recently because I have taken to motherhood easily and as much as he loves our DD, I think he resents her slightly for the changes it's made to our lives.

DH has even said that he is getting the snip! I have persuaded him not to, just in case he changes his mind. He has said that he won't change his mind but has agreed to put it off for now.

Having said all this, I'm from a family of 5 and love having brother and sisters. But I am also not adverse to "only children" and said to DH that we have to ensure that we make the effort to let our DD mix with other children as much as possible and when we have holidays etc, to ensure that we take one of her cousins (I have a DNep who is only 5 weeks older...) or as she gets a bit older, a close friend, with us. My Mum was an only child and said that holidays were the worst times as she was so lonely.

Anyway, after all this waffle, please bear in mind that it's early days and he may be feeling this way because of the disruption to your lives, it happens. He may feel differently in 6 months or a year.

xxxx

sadly this is something you hear a lot about, men refusing point blank to have another child. one of my friends is in this exact same situation. I think some men struggle to let go of their adolescence so to speak! When said friends dp met ds (my second) he said "you must be mad, what were you thinking having another" not he's gorgeous or congratulations .

The sad truth is a lot of men are essentially very immature and they have very very low tolernace for stress and tiredness.

Strangely enough in our situation it was the other way round! After dds (my firsts) birth i told my dh on the way out of the delivery room emphatically I would never never go through pregnancy and birth ever again. I was shell shocked and horrified. This was futher compounded by my experience of bf dd and not being able to handle feeling so imprisoned by it all.

Ittook me 2 years to get over this and have ds, despite dh wanting another one sooner than this! he's keen for a 3rd but I've told him NO WAY. So it can work both ways.

But leave this discussion for a while you may find in a year or so or even longer he may come round. At 4 months everything is all so intense and such a blur still.

I hope you reach a resolution to this

My ds was an only child until he was 5 and he frequently asked for a sibling (from the age of 3). Thankfully we have been able to oblige but not all only dc will happily accept their lone status.

OP - your dd is only 4 mo. Maybe when she is a bit older and you are through the sleepless nights etc. your h might have a change of heart?

At 4 months I didn't want another child and I was set on loads of children. It's the worst time for tiredness and the life change. When DD was 2 everything had settled and we started trying for another (it was twins but that's another story!).

I think men need to get through the first year of parenting, let it get easier then have the conversation.

I have a rule I am happy to share with people very openly. Which is: Never discuss having another child till the last one is at least 12mths old! Those first 12mths can be such a challenge and a first baby for a man (and a woman) is a hell of a shock to the system. I remember my DH saying to me that he thought we had made a mistake having the first one! (colic is a real b*h) Now we have 3 . The third one really took some work! The main benefit of having two close is that they do indeed play with one another - which is great for the whole family. Give him some time to adjust. I like to joke with my girlfriends that men don't bond with their baby until it can say Daddy or kick a football. But it will happen ... Good Luck, Sim

ladylush - i remember having an argument with my older sister about which of us would share a bedroom with our new baby sister cos we were so excited (both of us wanted to share with her!). Well wind on a few years and guess what, the novelty had worn off. I think planning your life around what a 5 year old wants probably isn't the best

I think it's really unfair to categorise men who don't want more kids as immature. Men are equal parents, with the added pressure of society's expectation that they will be the one providing.

If a man can see the practical limitations of his current income, lifestyle etc and says so, that doesn't say immature to me, it says that he's making decisions with his head not his heart.

If life is a struggle in terms of tiredness, hard work etc then it's not immature to say let's quit while we're ahead, imo.

Nobody said it was immature not to want more children. The assertion was that a lot of men are immature.

That doesn't tally with my experience and tts men I know but you read some shocking threads on mn by women who appear to be shacked up with 8 year olds who expect their new mummy to look after them.

Minx's post clearly links male immaturity and not wanting more kids.

Lots of men are indeed immature, but this thread is sbout wanting more kids and that was the context and statement of minx's post.

Sorry not to have come back and replied g earlier - DD took 2 hours of screechinmto settle to sleep last night, and then another hour to go down for her nap this morning, so I'm not sure I want any more at the moment!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to write responses, and I think the general consensus is right - it's something that DH and I should discuss at a much later date, preferably when DD has changed her current opinion that sleep is for losers, and he may well be more open to the idea. He was as keen to have DD as I was, and he's a brilliant, very involved Dad, but I do think the sleep deprivation and the amount of hard work has taken him a bit by surprise and it may be a reaction to that.

Thank you again

I agree entirely Morris.

If having more children entails having to fund a bigger house and all that entails, it's eminently sensible to not have more.

Our DD wouldn't have thanked us for the "gift" of a sibling either.

I agree that it's way too early to make a decision yet though, although I can definitely see his age as the main factor - no way would I (or DH) have wanted a child at 38, he's being very practical tbh.

being practical at the expense of your wife's happiness?

how charming

unilateral decisions about how many children your patner can have are unfair

Well so is emotional blackmail. The thing is, having no kids is the default. So I'd say that the case needs to be made for having a child, or more children, rather then the case against.

Assuming both partners were open and honest before they committed to living together etc, then I think it's entirely fine and normal to use practical reasons to say why you don't want more kids. It's a better reason that 'just because I do', surely.

Why is a wife's happiness more important than a husband's? And where do you draw the line? Three kids? Four? Five?

crazycrazy oh I totally agree. Sorry wasn't clear in my post. Dh and I had been trying for 2.5 years for another baby and unfortunately had several m/c. So it was even harder for us when ds was asking for a sibling iyswim.

though ds is a very sociable child and likes there being more dc in the house. That might change when he's older but that's tough

Thing is, I used to ask for a sibling, but I was 5 - I also used to ask for a castle and to be a fairy princess. Luckily my parents were in charge of the important decisions!

Hi - are you able to put this to one side.

Ok as an only child from Ozzie but had an amazinglylucky childhood in that I travelled more than any of my kiddie friends could ever imagine.

I'm now parent of a lo - but given were's in fucking dire straights now and lo will never have ANYTHING at this age what I have - well I just feel lucky to have my 3.5 year old dc and nothing else. n He really won't have anything NEAR what I have but he has me - that's enough and we have fun.#

Feel bad that I can't give him a sibling or far flung travel months at a time - but I can give him confidence, our families memories and experience, hope and fun. HTha's enough and he'll get his own life from that, I hope.