Harsh I know..BUT my dh is a miserable fecker

[2010]

Title sums it up.
Tbh, the more I think the more I think its always been like this.
Yeah we have god times but we also seems to have more of our fare share of dh being moody or miserable.

He's self emp, im a sahm so thats one pressure on his shoulders BUT we are happy with the arrangement. Many discussions and neither would have it any other way.

BUT while I seem to be in a happy place atm dh doesn't and I have no idea what to do next.

Issues I know stressing him atm is money,job boredom,weight issues. Money is coming in and after working from home for a while he is finally out of the house much to both our relief BUT still he moans. Traffic,hating job,not being home when kids are blah de dah..can't win iykwim.

He started at the gym about 3 weeks ago and i encouage him to go even after work or once kids in bed. Also encouraged him to play footie with the lads etc BUT still he moans.

I feel like im doing everything at home and with the dk's (yes I know its my "job" but at times its nice not to feel that) even when he's home he seems to have a face on him.

Last night he was in his office "working". TBH I didn't miss his moodiness..YEt when he comes down its the same old.

I suggested the fact he may want a break from "us" but he disagrees. He says he's "bored" but I can't see how. He goes to the gym, watches the match, plays footie with mates and tbh at night I see it as a rest. We do on occasion go out BUT even then....

We are due out next week, but even he says "he has nothing to look forward to"

I tell him, its quite sad for me to hear him say what he does, as though its a reflection on me.

If im happy with my lot, why should I starts and worry about him..? selfish..?

Have you asked him what would make him feel happier? Have you considered he might be depressed?

Tbh, his life does sound quite monotonous. Does he read/go to the cinema/have hobbies that help him develop as a person?

I have asked but he just says he desn't know...

It just depresses me as it feels like I have an extra child to look after.

I think he is depressed and he saw a private doc about 6 weeks ago who prescribed meds but he thinks he knows better and won't take them... I have suggested a life coach or councellor but its met with "why should I see someone for them to tell me and advise me". In fact he has seen someone around 6 months ago, he refussed to return .

I just feel, what more can I do and tbh why should I do more..? I am his wife and im loyal etc BUT surely someone has to help themselves..?

He has no hobbies,he does read but not as relaxation.

He has started watching his fotie team again BUT tbh I don't think its the best option. Revolves around the pub/drink which he is cutting back on...another issue.

I have suggested hobbies or a sport to take part in, he agree's but it never goes any further and besides signing him up I can't do much more.!

I know I now sound negative but im fed up.

I'm not surprised you are fed up. Did the GP actually diagnose depression and prescribe anti depressants? Has he been referred to psychiatry? Is there anyone you can talk to?

The problem with depression (and I don't know much about it tbh) is that he feels as though nothing can help him - it's not that he doesn't want help, it's that he doesn't see the point amd doesn't see how it would work. It may also take time for him to find the right therapist, just because he didn't get on with one, doesn't mean that there is no therapist that can help him. And you also need someone to talk to.

Yes, the gp did say depression (afaik) but no further treatment suggested. BUT did say if he felt the meds helped to continue and he wanted him back...he never returned.

I think he may be bi polar as he can be "spending manic"one minute then down in the dumps the next..? Not to sure if im ott.

See, I had PND with bot the dk's and tok dh's advice to see a councellor and then started meds. I sought and accepted help as I could see it was affecting him..BUT even though I say he's affecting me he doesn't seem to want to change iykwim..

I don't have anyone to talk to other than my councellor but then I feel "I don't have the problem" and all it would be is a sound off chance.

I think you seeing a councillor would help, living with someone who has untreated depression is very very tough and you need to look after yourself.

That's not to say he will never get better, do you have family or a good friend who can talk to him?

I have a similarly miserable and depressed husband, 2010. I know what you mean about 'Another child' -- I have enough on my plate as it is, really, I don't like being made to feel responsible for his emotional well-being when he won't anything for himself to make things better.

No answers, just wanted to pipe up and say I'm in the same situation.

Family not really an option... Not mega close and tbh he wouldn't want them knowing. Same as friends.

He's a bit to proud iykwim

If your dh refuses help and you can see no way of this changing, then I think you should get as much help and support as possible. It's hard though.

My DH has been like this for a while too (similar set to you me a SAHM, him self employed) Have tried gently approaching the subject in different ways and making suggestions to no avail.

It all came to ahead at christmas I snapped and told him in no uncertain terms that I was sick to death of his negativity, moodiness etc and that he was dragging us all down and that he either sorted himself out or saw a counsellor or f*cked off basically - very harsh I know but I could feel myself becoming like him too.

He has improved, taken up a hobby etc and hasn't discounted the idea of a counsellor. Maybe you need to have a frank discussion with him and tell him how unhappy this is making you

You're a saint. I'd have stabbed him by now.
Honestly, it's awful living with someone like this, whether he is an untreated depressive or just a selfish whinyarse.
I think what you might need to do is stop being his unpaid therapist: when he starts moaning, say, 'Not now dear' and go and do something else; make sure you have support and company from other people, and if he still won't seek any kind of help, tell him that you aren't prepared to live with a human black cloud raining all over the house and he can either sort himself out or piss off.

well tell him to learn something new and that may relief the boredom and free your time up with him not having a face ache

My husband has been on anti-depressants for 3 months and what a difference it has made. He's on the waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy which I think will help as well.

DH had lost interest in life, never saw his friends, hated his job, hated our house and was constantly moaning. He couldn't see the good in anything (3 beautiful children, nice life etc) and it was totally exhausting. I'm very positive but it wears you down when someone is so negative day in day out.

He's now cycling to work again and started up his hobbies and seeing old friends. He really is like a different person.

Only your DH can sort himself out. It seems like you have been really supportive and doing your best to help him. Is there any chance he will see his dr again? It really does sound like he needs anti-d's and some therapy. Good luck.

belgo,thanks for your answers....I think I need to try again telling him how hard work he can be at times.

I just feel like I have a good day, im happy and smiley and he brings me down. I then feel guilty for the fact that im happy and in a "good place" (given the fact that for 5 yrs since the dk's were born I have been under that black cloud very often) and feel that maybe im not allowed to be happy...

I have said this to him and he is defensive and says he's happy im happy..geezz.

CT and mloo, glad in a way that others have similar dh's but obviously sad there are others.

Solidgold, Lol at the stabbing Believe me, there are days when I feel upto the task . Im just no good at digging holes

verytellytubby, sounds like dh. Thing is his old friends are different to how he wants to be iykwim BUT even when he did/does socialise with them he comes home drunk and unhappy I just wish I could wave my magic wand.

He does still have a full box afaik of ad's so I may get him to start again. He hates the initial feeling, but as I have ben through it I tell him to persevere and its worth it...

FFS,men so want and need to be caried..